[log]There are ways around this, for the person in receipt of the ugly, fat or disabled person. First, look for any attractive people nearby, and pretend they meant him. “What, the nude man with big brown nips? Thanks!”

If they try to correct you, acknowledge the intended target, look academic for a moment, and say “no, you can't mean him - he's legally yours”. If there is no attractive person, simply front it out with “yeah, and he's got a massive cock, I love it”.[/log]

[anon]

Stick it up your mother’s bum.*

Additional lines detail the processing of the bubble gum, as follows:

*When it’s brown, pull it down

When it’s black, put it back

When it’s pink, let it stink.*

That’s about as far as we got. We were only about 6.

Mike O

Upon flicking, the time was noted, and the duration of survival within the hair recorded in the back of an exercise book.

Brand new pieces of paper were referred to as “young’uns”, while retrieved survivors were known as “veterans” and reassigned to future missions.

Although longer survival times could be achieved in dense, curly hair, greater kudos was bestowed upon veterans of campaigns fought in more barren terrain, such as sleek newly-washed hair or a skinhead.

As comptition increased, it was found that these hair-based paper commandos could be modified via the addition of paper spikes for greater friction. And then the arms race began.

Tom C

Woggy

We used to say “you wank cats” as an insult, until someone invented the retort “yeah, but only on Sundays!” Though the details of the case were not reported, it quickly became common law that restricting your cat-wanking to the Sabbath was a reasonable defence.

Paul H

… and we hate you,

Mum.

My sisters and I wrote this in my brother’s school diary after tippexing out the real message our poor mother had written.

Nicky

Tony G

Pupils from a nice school were banned from socialising with us when we performed this version of that song on the watersports trip:

Yellow turd, way down in the lavatory.
Yello turd, you sit there and smile at me.
You’re so short and fat
You look like a rounders bat
I know why you float
You’ve got a furry coat
You’re much uglier than me.

Sweden S

My friend Amy found this phrase inexplicably funny and repeated it at least once every Foods lesson, which was annoying until she said it out loud after the teacher announced that she was having a baby.

Hannah P

Ross G

A good reply to this is to say 'Yeah, but only mentally' while leering at them, thus suggesting that while your internal world may be juvenile and squishy, your physical development was easily advanced enough to assume the very grown up role of sexual predator.

Gary L

Let us illustrate this with an example.

Kid A: Look at the state of David Barnes’ [bag / coat / shoes / pretty much anything you care to mention]. What a fucking gyppo.

Kid B: Yeah I know. He’schh not a shcruffy cunt at allschh.

Kid A: He doeschhn’t schhtink of schhit muchschh.

Kid B: And hiscch houseschh is dead cleanschh.

Using Yish, Kids A & B have successfully pointed out that David Barnes is in fact a dirty, smelly, scruffy tramp from whom, by inadvertently smelling his breath, you would certainly catch Aids. Yish can also be used safe in the knowledge that if you are overheard by a teacher when ‘praising’ something in this way, the teacher is unlikely to be bothered to find out if you are being sincere or not.

Warning: Yish is not effective as a comeback if you are accused of being gay. It is no use simply saying ‘yeschh I’m really gayschh’, because that just means you really ARE gay, and therefore deserving of a kicking and having everybody find out that you’ve bummed your dad. No reason, it just DOES.

Spaghetti H

20 Person who spotted the yellow car says “Yellow car!” and punches the person sat next to them on the arm.

30 Go to 10

Note that the game is called yellow car, not yellow van or yellow truck or yellow bus. Only Jews call commercial vehicles.

The Boy T

The outrageous falsity in declaring a Pakistani to be a member of the negroid race is more than made up for by the fact that it rhymes .

Phil G

[anon]

A slow, muggy silence followed Tom Fletcher’s statement that “If you look through your legs when you’re having a shit, you can see the poo coming out of your arse”.

We’ve all thought it. Some will even confess that they’ve peeked through the gap between the bowl and the toilet seat, if they’re pushed . But Tom Fletcher’s eagerness to share this discovery implies that he went on to watch poos slide out of a great many arses.

Charlie W

Never convincingly covered up with overtures of an embarrassed " I was only kidding, Jesus " or, even worse, " I only said it to see if anyone else would say yes… "

No you weren’t, you ate your wank and everyone now knows it.

Josh

Tom Clues reveled in the act and even felt extra pride upon realising that no one else did, when he announced it one lunch time.

But then this was hardly a surprising admission from a lad who got his stiffy out in the middle of Plymouth shopping district and tended to “just nip into Debenhams for a wank”.

Jason T

I know! Lets’ get the dog to lick our cocks!

[pause as we tried to work out if he was joking]

Brilliant idea! That’d be amazing! You go first!

[he wasn’t joking]

[anon]

A : Does anyone else get an erection when taking a massive shit?

B thru H, in unison : No.

A : …me neither.

[pause]

A : Just checking.

[pause]

A : Just making sure no-one got the horn when they did massive shits.

[pause]

A : [laughs] Sickos!

Random F

The scenario unfolds as follows:

1. Toilet flushes.

2. My friend exits the toilet, looking puzzled.

3. My friend asks the question ‘do you cum when you poo?’

I was unable to say anything. I still am.

Mr.

uncle m

I posted this a few days ago and while you may have flowered-up my language - nice use of the word “lustrous” - you did lose the bit about how the once virile king of the locker-room is now a sad fat loser whose sex life consists of whacking off on left-handed websites? Could you put that back in?

( My pleasure, Uncle Monty. Sleep well. - Log)

uncle m

( Wasn’t there a character called Fat Boab in the Oor Wullie cartoon? And wasn’t his other mate called Soapy? So Willy hangs out with a soapy fat cock? Is this a commonly known thing in Scotland that I’ve only just worked out? - Log)

Chris

Log - you’re spot on, but you forgot the very childish other connection of Wee Eck. ‘Wee’ of course being urine. Like Wee Eck. Get it? Oh dear, this isn’t good enough is it?

Pope G

1. A coat to cover the traveller’s head, so that he can’t see. You must then hit his head a lot, generally a constant, reasonably gentle slapping.

2. During the slapping the travel guide informs the voyager that he is “going to Yemen”, where he must “demand the release of Muhammad Akbar”. Meanwhile, keep saying the wise words “Yemeny Yemeny Yemeny”.

3. Two assistants hold the coat in place while the tourist is carried around, upside down and spinning in all axes.

4. He should be left in a new and interesting place to pull the coat from his face. Wherever you left him, for the purposes of this exercise, is “Yemen”.

Not that cruel, not painful, just baffling.

griff

In geography lessons, any mention of the country of Yemen MUST be said loudly as “Yeah Mon!” in the style of Porkpie from Desmonds. Similarly, Oman must be said in the tones of a tired hippy. Deviations will not be tolerated.

[anon]

Employed with this exact effect by one Stuart Bywater, who perhaps believed the bully would look at his fist and say “God, and bullying’s wrong, isn’t it?” then become a fucking architect or something.

[anon]

Matt F

Alistair G

Mazza W

After the victim had acted hard or tried to be tough in some way, a chorus of people would shout ‘Oooooh, you’re hard, where’s your handbag?’, and then run away doing the John Inman limp wrist thing.

Harry N

Dupli C

A similarly ringed biro message on the wall in 3rd year history read ‘I love Sweaty Piss Flaps’. Well, don’t we all?

Rochenko

Bob R

Another defence, assuming that you are allowed to defend yourself without being swarmed by Yampy Bats, would be to hit the hand on the head, causing them to bite through the skin between thumb and forefinger. This evolutionary flaw probably explains the lack of Yampy Bats in adult life.

Jon B

Yeah, and my dad drives a tank

Yeah, and my brother can dance on clouds

Yeah, and I can walk through parsley.

Yeah, and I’ve never eaten a Kit Kat.

The last one turned out to be a bastard ruse from a kid with a rubbish packed lunch who wanted to eat some of my Kit Kat.

Paul H

And if you want to open yourself up to a torrent of mum-related abuse…

Yeah, and my mum’s a virgin

graf1771

John P

I once stuck a ‘Rape Me’ sign to a classmate’s back, which had the entire technical drawing class in hysteric in about three seconds.

I’m certain that we all enjoyed the sign on many levels, not least of which the logical paradox of a request for non-consensual sex.

However, the teacher just rolled his eyes, and muttered something about “primary school humour”.

Like under 10s are tuned into the nuances of rape jokes, sir. Like that’s the case. Sir.

Osiris o

Silent B

Ross T

Andy G

An idiot named Dave Smith donned a Halloween mask and actually tried to rob a local store. The cashier (also from our school) recognized his voice and said, “Dave? Is that you?” Dave replied, “No it’s not me! Give me your money!” He was, of course, arrested, and to this day, whenever someone in the group hears the phrase “What’s the holdup?” we shout “Dave Smith!!”

Heidi C

One afternoon everybody at my (boys) school was summoned to a special assembly by the headmaster. He was furious, literally shaking with rage.

“Now, you may have heard rumours of an… incident… between two members of the college last night,” he began.

Cue a collective “Oooooooh…” from the pupils.

“This sort of behaviour is utterly unacceptable in civilised society, and rest assured, the offender has been severely punished.”

400 kids lean forwards trembling with prurient interest.

“Let me set the scene. X, a member of my prefect team, enticed young Y (a year nine) into his room with the promise of sweets.”

Breaths are bated. Surely not? Surely?

“Once getting him in the room, X locked the door so Y could not escape. He reached into his trousers, and pulled out…”

400 kids all desperately think “Please say cock please say cock”

“A BB gun!”

Cue chorus of disappointed moans.

This assembly led to the only example I can think of of a year nine being repeatedly beaten up because he HADN’T been raped. Tsk, public schools, eh?

Ed T

Jon B

“Me chinese, Me play joke, Me do wee wee in your coke” Similar game. Punchline was, however, the above rhyme. The additional humour here is derived from the general knowledge that chinese people spend the majority of their time weeing into each other’s soft drinks.

[anon]

Craig S

“Excuse me but can you tell..”

YOU’RE GAY!

“I’m late for class…”

YOU’RE GAY!

“but I want..”

GAY!

“but..“YOU’REGAY!

“I..”

YOU’RE GAY!

Talking to you like that! Where do gay people get off? (The answer is in hedges .)

Richard D

Mark C

SmallPaul

I enjoyed “your mum” insults for a goodly while, and even made a quiz in which all the answers were “your mum” related. For instance, What furry animal communicates with a tiny dance? Your mum. What Is The Fastest Land Mammal? Your mum on a bike. How did Marc Bolan die? Your mum farted into his mouth. How much is a guinea and a florin worth? Two gob jobs off your mum. Et, cet, era.

Jon B

The “Your Mum” game consists of luring your opponent into asking the question “who?” to which you respond with “YOUR MUM!!” and are then the winner. Hours of fun.

Holly

The Naim Ditta extension;

Naim threw a peace of paper the Head of Year. When the class was asked ’ who threw that? ’ Naim covered his mouth and shouted ‘Your Mum!’.

It should have ended there, but when the head of year asked who said that, Naim replied ’ Your Dad ‘.

It’s pathetic, but the idea his mum was somehow in the class, and got grassed up by her husband who for some reason had joined her, was hilarious. It really was.

Rob M

On the topic of mother insults, this is possibly the funniest graffito I ever saw written with a black magic marker on the wall of the bus shelter. Here it is, exactly as it was written and punctuated:

**Douse your mum smell of fish!

I think she douse!**

The writer could have simply stated it as a simple fact, i.e. ‘your mum smells of fish’. So why did they instead phrase it as they did?

Perhaps the intent was to give their statement a pantomine-like emphasis by phrasing it as a question and then offering up a retort to any arguments that there might be on the subject, as in: “Your mum smells of fish!” (Response: ‘Oh no she doesn’t!’) “Oh yes she does!”

Or perhaps, it was felt necessary to give the reader the opportunity to contest the statement by phrasing it as a question, then, as if imagining what the reply might be, letting them know prematurly that they intend to stand by their conviction, as in: “Do you think that your mum smells of fish? Because even if you don’t, I do.”.

Or perhaps there was an ongoing debate that the writer decided to settle right there on the bus shelter wall. “There has been some discussion as to whether or not your mum smells of fish. I have done some investigating - which didn’t prove too difficult, as you can smell your mother’s fishy stank from some distance. So, in conclusion, yes, your mother does stink of the fish.”

Erin M

Basically involved saying “your mum” and repeating what had just been said.

For instance:

Teacher: “..and that’s how Jesus died on the cross.”

Pupil: “Your mum died on the cross.”

Teacher: “Can anybody tell me what happens when you mix these chemicals together?”

Pupil: “Your mum can tell me what happens when you mix these chemicals together.”

Hours of fun for all the family!

[anon]