Law of the Playgroundhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/Recent content on Law of the PlaygroundHugo -- gohugo.ioen-gbsuck@me.com (Liquid Snake)suck@me.com (Liquid Snake)[CC BY-NC-ND 4.0](https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/)Tue, 25 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000Nigel is deadhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nigel_is_dead/Tue, 25 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nigel_is_dead/<p>We had all been told that we had to be careful around Nigel. He wasn't allowed to eat chocolate, or drink delicious fizzy pops. Earwax was OK - he'd shovel that stuff straight in. He didn't eat bogeys, though - he stored those in his pencil case.</p> <p>One morning our teacher walked in ashen faced and quietly explained that Nigel would not be coming to school any more. He had moved a long way away.</p>We had all been told that we had to be careful around Nigel. He wasn't allowed to eat chocolate, or drink delicious fizzy pops. Earwax was OK - he'd shovel that stuff straight in. He didn't eat bogeys, though - he stored those in his pencil case.

One morning our teacher walked in ashen faced and quietly explained that Nigel would not be coming to school any more. He had moved a long way away.

Our bewildered but trauma-free response clearly wasn't enough for her, as she let out the cry * “Nigel is DEAD!” * .

Unable to process this early brush with mortality as a tragedy, we'd simply echo her heartfelt outburst in the playground, to punctuate a wide range of antics. In some cases, this would continue well into our twenties.

Nigel is still dead.

Guernsey G
]]>National Insurance Numbercardshttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/national_insurance_numbercards/Fri, 27 Oct 2006 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/national_insurance_numbercards/<p>Crap looking half red, half blue, credit card style bits of plastic that you received around the time of your sixteenth birthday.</p> <p>At first these gained much kudos as a mark that you had reached maturity.</p> <p>That was until &lsquo;Pikey Steve&rsquo; got his, and it was decided that it had been sent by the government as a hint that at least SOMEONE in his family should go and get a fucking job.</p>Crap looking half red, half blue, credit card style bits of plastic that you received around the time of your sixteenth birthday.

At first these gained much kudos as a mark that you had reached maturity.

That was until ‘Pikey Steve’ got his, and it was decided that it had been sent by the government as a hint that at least SOMEONE in his family should go and get a fucking job.

[anon]
]]>Neener Neener Neener Game, Thehttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/neener_neener_neener_game__the/Thu, 19 Oct 2006 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/neener_neener_neener_game__the/<p>A universally popular game at my elementary school.</p> <ol> <li> <p>A girl shouts &ldquo;neener-neener-neener&rdquo; at a boy and then runs away.</p> </li> <li> <p>The boy chases the girl until he catches up with her.</p> </li> <li> <p>The girl beats the boy up.</p> </li> </ol> <p>If a boy does not give chase, that means he wants to cut straight to the beating. It is considered polite to oblige his unspoken wish.</p> <p>Surprisingly, boys usually played this game enthusiastically and frequently. It lasted for the entire two years I attended the school, with no reaction but bemusement from the teachers at the sight of five-year-old boys happily being kicked repeatedly by girls until they fell over.</p>A universally popular game at my elementary school.

  1. A girl shouts “neener-neener-neener” at a boy and then runs away.

  2. The boy chases the girl until he catches up with her.

  3. The girl beats the boy up.

If a boy does not give chase, that means he wants to cut straight to the beating. It is considered polite to oblige his unspoken wish.

Surprisingly, boys usually played this game enthusiastically and frequently. It lasted for the entire two years I attended the school, with no reaction but bemusement from the teachers at the sight of five-year-old boys happily being kicked repeatedly by girls until they fell over.

[anon]
]]>Nixon's Sex Clubhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nixon_s_sex_club/Thu, 03 Aug 2006 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nixon_s_sex_club/<p>No one is quite sure what privileges are gained from membership of Nixon's Sex Club - but the way to join is simple. You just have to have had sex, with a girl.</p> <p>Nixon's Sex Club has a pretty impressive membership roster, considering that Nixon - and everyone in his club - were eight years old.</p> <h5 id="jim-c">Jim C</h5> <hr>No one is quite sure what privileges are gained from membership of Nixon's Sex Club - but the way to join is simple. You just have to have had sex, with a girl.

Nixon's Sex Club has a pretty impressive membership roster, considering that Nixon - and everyone in his club - were eight years old.

Jim C
]]>Nutshotshttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nutshots/Sun, 16 Apr 2006 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nutshots/<p>Good, clean fun that also helps control the population.</p> <p>Nutshots was a game played over a three year period and involved a random, sudden and totally unexpected kick or punch to the testicles. The nutshot could come at any time of day or night. A strong emphasis on creativity - for example an out-of-the-blue backfist into the crotch during conversation - ensured that the tension and excitement of nutshots remained at a premium.</p>Good, clean fun that also helps control the population.

Nutshots was a game played over a three year period and involved a random, sudden and totally unexpected kick or punch to the testicles. The nutshot could come at any time of day or night. A strong emphasis on creativity - for example an out-of-the-blue backfist into the crotch during conversation - ensured that the tension and excitement of nutshots remained at a premium.

[anon]
]]>Notoriously good at businesshttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/notoriously_good_at_business/Wed, 28 Sep 2005 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/notoriously_good_at_business/<p>What Jews are, apparently, according to a teacher at my primary school. Subtle racist undertones naturally lost on a group of cross-legged six year olds.</p> <h5 id="peter-m">Peter M</h5> <hr> <p>What about the fact that Indian people in Britain are good at medicine and cricket because their country was lucky enough be colonised in the 1800s? I know that because it was taught in a school that I went to as a despairing trainee teacher.</p>What Jews are, apparently, according to a teacher at my primary school. Subtle racist undertones naturally lost on a group of cross-legged six year olds.

Peter M

What about the fact that Indian people in Britain are good at medicine and cricket because their country was lucky enough be colonised in the 1800s? I know that because it was taught in a school that I went to as a despairing trainee teacher.

Medibot E
]]>nature bummerhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nature_bummer/Thu, 25 Aug 2005 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nature_bummer/<p>In Autumn, the hedgerows are full of fat, red rosehips, which can be split open to reveal small, hairy seeds. These seeds can then be shoved down someone&rsquo;s shirt where they will itch like buggery, and cause bright scarlet rashes.</p> <p>Precociously recounting this fact in a second-year biology class earned me the moniker &ldquo;Nature Boy&rdquo; from the indulgent teacher.</p> <p>This was to be a short-lived glory however, as at the start of the every new school year, I&rsquo;d be pinned to the ground and covered with rosehip seeds by a snarling mob chanting &ldquo;NAY-CHUR BUH-MER&rdquo; at me. When the rosehips ran out, they moved on to conkers.</p>In Autumn, the hedgerows are full of fat, red rosehips, which can be split open to reveal small, hairy seeds. These seeds can then be shoved down someone’s shirt where they will itch like buggery, and cause bright scarlet rashes.

Precociously recounting this fact in a second-year biology class earned me the moniker “Nature Boy” from the indulgent teacher.

This was to be a short-lived glory however, as at the start of the every new school year, I’d be pinned to the ground and covered with rosehip seeds by a snarling mob chanting “NAY-CHUR BUH-MER” at me. When the rosehips ran out, they moved on to conkers.

Autumn is not my favourite season.

Nick H
]]>Nick's Nailhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nick_s_nail/Tue, 16 Aug 2005 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nick_s_nail/<p>Nick was a goofy, scruffy kid who transferred in to our school in the second year. He was forever kicking a tennis ball around the plaground, and his shoes were a regular casualty.</p> <p>Eventually, his mom got fed up of buying him new ones and told him to glue the soles back together on the old ones and give them a good polish.</p> <p>Polishing was easy; but no glue was to be had at Nick&rsquo;s place and, not being arsed to head up to the local shopping center, Nick found a nail and <em>nailed</em> his sole back on. The fact that it was a 1-inch nail - thoughtfully whacked right through the middle of the sole so he would only need one - didn&rsquo;t become an issue until the next morning, when he discovered that walking on it caused the nail to repeatedly pierce his foot. Quite deeply, too, much to our amusement.</p>Nick was a goofy, scruffy kid who transferred in to our school in the second year. He was forever kicking a tennis ball around the plaground, and his shoes were a regular casualty.

Eventually, his mom got fed up of buying him new ones and told him to glue the soles back together on the old ones and give them a good polish.

Polishing was easy; but no glue was to be had at Nick’s place and, not being arsed to head up to the local shopping center, Nick found a nail and nailed his sole back on. The fact that it was a 1-inch nail - thoughtfully whacked right through the middle of the sole so he would only need one - didn’t become an issue until the next morning, when he discovered that walking on it caused the nail to repeatedly pierce his foot. Quite deeply, too, much to our amusement.

It was still fairly amusing two weeks later when it went septic.

Dale T
]]>Notes From Your Mumhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/notes_from_your_mum/Fri, 22 Jul 2005 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/notes_from_your_mum/<p>Simon Paul once turned up to a games lesson with this little beauty:</p> <p>&ldquo;Dear Mr. Grant, Please excuse Simon from games today as he has had cold and is feeling a little floppy.</p> <p>Mrs. Paul&rdquo;</p> <p>I&rsquo;d like to say we ripped him apart for it, but there was no need - he was already the long-haired son of a local vicar with his reputation already lying in tatters around his half-mast trousers.</p>Simon Paul once turned up to a games lesson with this little beauty:

“Dear Mr. Grant, Please excuse Simon from games today as he has had cold and is feeling a little floppy.

Mrs. Paul”

I’d like to say we ripped him apart for it, but there was no need - he was already the long-haired son of a local vicar with his reputation already lying in tatters around his half-mast trousers.

So much for a merciful God.

Mr O
]]>Ninety three per cent flobhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/ninety_three_per_cent_flob/Mon, 04 Jul 2005 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/ninety_three_per_cent_flob/<p>A statistic which tore through the school at an alarming rate, representing the average volume of saliva present in the final dregs of a drink. It was the unusual precision of the number which led to its universal acceptance. A natural logical leap stipulated that any drink which was under half full was up to 97% owner spittle. Only the first sip was safe if you didn&rsquo;t want to French Kiss all the previous sippers.</p>A statistic which tore through the school at an alarming rate, representing the average volume of saliva present in the final dregs of a drink. It was the unusual precision of the number which led to its universal acceptance. A natural logical leap stipulated that any drink which was under half full was up to 97% owner spittle. Only the first sip was safe if you didn’t want to French Kiss all the previous sippers.

If you wanted to upgrade the statistic yourself, you could do so by saying “they’ve just found out…” before giving your new figures.

moped
]]>new shoeshttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/new_shoes/Thu, 25 Nov 2004 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/new_shoes/<p>It is traditional to stamp on a pair of new shoes on sight if they are worn by weaker children. In the case of Ian Lunn, the Headmaster was fair game too.</p> <p>It was this sort of behaviour that saw Ian in lunchtime detention for three entire years.</p> <h5 id="ryan-j">ryan j</h5> <hr>It is traditional to stamp on a pair of new shoes on sight if they are worn by weaker children. In the case of Ian Lunn, the Headmaster was fair game too.

It was this sort of behaviour that saw Ian in lunchtime detention for three entire years.

ryan j
]]>No, Richard, don't try ithttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/no__richard__don_t_try_it/Sun, 14 Nov 2004 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/no__richard__don_t_try_it/<p>An all-purpose phrase, as long as the purpose is to stop Richard talking, responding to an insult, kicking a ball, sitting near you, or otherwise having any dealings with the world around him.</p> <p>Best said in an exhausted and really loud voice, so everyone turns around to see what it was that Richard was trying <em>this</em> time.</p> <p>After some months of such training, Richard will automatically not try it, and require only a raised finger and eyebrow to shut him up, if a look of hopeful interaction flickers across his face, or any sounds start to come out of his mouth.</p>An all-purpose phrase, as long as the purpose is to stop Richard talking, responding to an insult, kicking a ball, sitting near you, or otherwise having any dealings with the world around him.

Best said in an exhausted and really loud voice, so everyone turns around to see what it was that Richard was trying this time.

After some months of such training, Richard will automatically not try it, and require only a raised finger and eyebrow to shut him up, if a look of hopeful interaction flickers across his face, or any sounds start to come out of his mouth.

jon j
]]>No Licencehttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/no_licence/Thu, 15 Apr 2004 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/no_licence/<p>The unfortunately named Noel Licence was born to be given stick. In the middle of any activity whatsoever, someone would stop him, and say &quot; <em>you&rsquo;ve got Noel Licence to do that</em> &ldquo;.</p> <ul> <li>1st Year : Good-natured laughing along. - 2nd Year : Laughter stopped, joke wearily acknowledged with eyes rolled. - 3rd Year : Signs of frustration started appearing, some sarcastic laughter. - 4th Year : Verbal retaliations favoured over faux-laughter. - 5th Year : Physical development finally allowed for frequent violent reactions.</li> </ul> <p>It was the ever-changing reactions which kept the game going - that and the fact he was fat and useless.</p>The unfortunately named Noel Licence was born to be given stick. In the middle of any activity whatsoever, someone would stop him, and say " you’ve got Noel Licence to do that “.

  • 1st Year : Good-natured laughing along. - 2nd Year : Laughter stopped, joke wearily acknowledged with eyes rolled. - 3rd Year : Signs of frustration started appearing, some sarcastic laughter. - 4th Year : Verbal retaliations favoured over faux-laughter. - 5th Year : Physical development finally allowed for frequent violent reactions.

It was the ever-changing reactions which kept the game going - that and the fact he was fat and useless.

Sanchez M
]]>Nimin, the rise and fall ofhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nimin__the_rise_and_fall_of/Mon, 22 Mar 2004 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nimin__the_rise_and_fall_of/<p>Nimin made his mark on the first day of school by throwing a stone at a seagull, breaking its wing and sending it spiralling to Earth. It&rsquo;s the kind of achievement you should save for the last day of the fifth year - young minds are not ready for the celebrity status gained from crippling a seagull.</p> <p>Poor Nimin knew he could never surpass this feat, and fell in with a bad crowd. With his new friend, a boy who was left with metal / no teeth after a rugby accident, he soon resorted to snorting <a href="http://www.coffee-mate.com/recipepopup.asp?content_id=2002112181452412623631">http://www.coffee-mate.com/recipepopup.asp?content_id=2002112181452412623631</a> through biro casings.</p>Nimin made his mark on the first day of school by throwing a stone at a seagull, breaking its wing and sending it spiralling to Earth. It’s the kind of achievement you should save for the last day of the fifth year - young minds are not ready for the celebrity status gained from crippling a seagull.

Poor Nimin knew he could never surpass this feat, and fell in with a bad crowd. With his new friend, a boy who was left with metal / no teeth after a rugby accident, he soon resorted to snorting http://www.coffee-mate.com/recipepopup.asp?content_id=2002112181452412623631 through biro casings.

People would walk past the table at which Nimin and his bond-villain friend would sit, snorting and regurgitating Coffee-Mate.

“Who’s that?” one boy would ask.

“That’s Nimin,” another boy would reply. “And a boy with no / metal teeth.”

“Nimin? The guy who crippled a Seagull?”

“That Nimin died long ago. Just keep walking.”

[anon]
]]>Nobby Hall: the definitive versionhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nobby_hall__the_definitive_version/Sat, 21 Feb 2004 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nobby_hall__the_definitive_version/<p>Nobby Hall is a standard bus song, sung to the tune of &ldquo;If you&rsquo;re happy and you know it&hellip;&rdquo;.</p> <p>His name was Nobby Hall, Nobby Hall,</p> <p>His name was Nobby Hall, Nobby Hall,</p> <p>His name was Nobby Hall, and he only had one&hellip; fiiiing-EEER!</p> <p>His name was Nobby Hall, Nobby Hall.</p> <p>Now you&rsquo;ve got the general idea, we can mercifully whip through the other verses.</p> <ul> <li>He went to rob a bank, and he stopped to have a sandwich.</li> <li>The police began a hunt, and they caught the stupid man.</li> <li>The police caught him quick, and they caught him by his elbow.</li> <li>The judge&rsquo;s name was Annie, and she had a hairy head.</li> <li>The lawyer&rsquo;s name was Chuck, and he was a lousy rascal.</li> <li>They sent him off to Venus, and he landed on his head.</li> <li>He landed in a pit, and the pit was full of moss.</li> </ul> <p>After which, if you&rsquo;re all still singing, you can round off with the first verse.</p>Nobby Hall is a standard bus song, sung to the tune of “If you’re happy and you know it…”.

His name was Nobby Hall, Nobby Hall,

His name was Nobby Hall, Nobby Hall,

His name was Nobby Hall, and he only had one… fiiiing-EEER!

His name was Nobby Hall, Nobby Hall.

Now you’ve got the general idea, we can mercifully whip through the other verses.

  • He went to rob a bank, and he stopped to have a sandwich.
  • The police began a hunt, and they caught the stupid man.
  • The police caught him quick, and they caught him by his elbow.
  • The judge’s name was Annie, and she had a hairy head.
  • The lawyer’s name was Chuck, and he was a lousy rascal.
  • They sent him off to Venus, and he landed on his head.
  • He landed in a pit, and the pit was full of moss.

After which, if you’re all still singing, you can round off with the first verse.

There are two ways of spicing it up. The first version, for wet ladies, include singing with the proper sweary words in, but very quietly, so that everyone goes “tee hee”. For the bolder performers, you can sing the whole thing “inverted”. An inverted verse would go;

She had a hairy fanny, hairy fanny,

She had a hairy fanny, hairy fanny,<Br />She had a hairy fanny,

and the judge’s name was… Annie,

She had a hairy fanny, hairy fanny.

It’s important to keep the pause, as though you are going to say something rude, but don’t. Just like the original.

This version would drop the jaws of younger children, which is what it’s all about, really.

Synthia S
]]>name 50 fishhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/name_50_fish/Sun, 15 Feb 2004 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/name_50_fish/<p>Preston&rsquo;s uncle, a keen ichthologist, used to grab Preston, and pin him to the ground, screaming, &quot; <em>NAME 50 FISH! NAME 50 FISH!</em> &quot;</p> <p>Presumably, Preston was not released until he had named 50 fish. Preston&rsquo;s story should be taken with a grain of salt, however, because he was in special education, and would not have been taught about naming fish.</p> <h5 id="anon">[anon]</h5> <hr>Preston’s uncle, a keen ichthologist, used to grab Preston, and pin him to the ground, screaming, " NAME 50 FISH! NAME 50 FISH! "

Presumably, Preston was not released until he had named 50 fish. Preston’s story should be taken with a grain of salt, however, because he was in special education, and would not have been taught about naming fish.

[anon]
]]>no minibushttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/no_minibus/Sun, 18 Jan 2004 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/no_minibus/<p>This taunt can be used against a teacher in the following circumstances;</p> <p>a) You are in a school which teaches Classics.</p> <p>b) Your classics teacher has recently crashed the school minibus.</p> <p>c) Part of your lesson involves delining Latin verbs on the blackboard. In particular <em>nomen</em> , the final form of which is <em>nominibus</em> .</p> <p>Oh, fuck it. This isn&rsquo;t really worth it.</p> <h5 id="craig-h">Craig H</h5> <hr>This taunt can be used against a teacher in the following circumstances;

a) You are in a school which teaches Classics.

b) Your classics teacher has recently crashed the school minibus.

c) Part of your lesson involves delining Latin verbs on the blackboard. In particular nomen , the final form of which is nominibus .

Oh, fuck it. This isn’t really worth it.

Craig H
]]>no logohttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/no_logo/Fri, 09 Jan 2004 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/no_logo/<p>During some extra-curricular activities in summer time, all primary school students were required to come to class wearing a T-shirt bearing some sort of popular character. Why? I forget.</p> <p>Most people wore a Loadsamoney T-shirt or a Fido Dido T-shirt or some such, but I - coming from the most socially repressed family in South East Anglia - didn&rsquo;t have any t-shirts with &lsquo;popular characters&rsquo; on.</p> <p>After at least half an hour digging through various closets, we found the closest thing possible - a T-shirt bearing a picture of the Halifax Building Society Cat.</p>During some extra-curricular activities in summer time, all primary school students were required to come to class wearing a T-shirt bearing some sort of popular character. Why? I forget.

Most people wore a Loadsamoney T-shirt or a Fido Dido T-shirt or some such, but I - coming from the most socially repressed family in South East Anglia - didn’t have any t-shirts with ‘popular characters’ on.

After at least half an hour digging through various closets, we found the closest thing possible - a T-shirt bearing a picture of the Halifax Building Society Cat.

While I like to think I was championing the cause of Naomi Klein’s seminal book ‘No Logo’, I was actually championing the cause of low rate mortgages with 17.9% APR.

Alistair G
]]>national anthemhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/national_anthem/Fri, 26 Dec 2003 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/national_anthem/<p>If a music teacher is using the National Anthem to illustrate some point or another, it is your duty to the Queen to stand up every time it&rsquo;s played. It&rsquo;s doubly important to do this if the treasonous order is given not to.</p> <p>If the national anthems of other countries are played, be a part of the global village by standing for those, too. If you are told not to stand to these, say &ldquo;ar, sir, don&rsquo;t be <em>racist</em> &ldquo;.</p>If a music teacher is using the National Anthem to illustrate some point or another, it is your duty to the Queen to stand up every time it’s played. It’s doubly important to do this if the treasonous order is given not to.

If the national anthems of other countries are played, be a part of the global village by standing for those, too. If you are told not to stand to these, say “ar, sir, don’t be racist “.

[anon]
]]>Not in the market for green bananashttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/not_in_the_market_for_green_bananas/Wed, 17 Dec 2003 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/not_in_the_market_for_green_bananas/<p>A sensetive - if somewhat addling to a child - way of describing someone with a terminal illness.</p> <h5 id="jon-b">Jon B</h5> <hr>A sensetive - if somewhat addling to a child - way of describing someone with a terminal illness.

Jon B
]]>Nativityhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nativity/Tue, 09 Dec 2003 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nativity/<p>My cousin played the innkeeper in his school nativity, and was disappointed to receive relatively few lines. So he improvised. On being asked whether there was any room at the inn, he declared it to be virtually empty, and went on to extol the virtues of his accommodation, including room tariffs.</p> <h5 id="andy-d">andy d</h5> <hr> <p>The Observational Comedy™ Rules of School Nativity Plays</p> <p>&lt;ol&gt; - Only the Teacher’s pets get to play Mary and Joseph. Only the retards get to play animals. - Every costume must contain a tea towel. - Despite what you see in SitComs, real goats are very rarely used, and it&rsquo;s even rarer for them to put their heads in the swaddling and eat Jesus&rsquo; face. - Before uttering any lines, one kid must burst into tears on stage and be taken off by a teacher. - Lo, there shall be tambourines, and coconut halves, and bells on a stick, and yay, they shall be jangled and clopped. - The tea-towel:tin-foil ratio will be affected by the decision to have three wise men (headscarves), or three kings (crowns).</p>My cousin played the innkeeper in his school nativity, and was disappointed to receive relatively few lines. So he improvised. On being asked whether there was any room at the inn, he declared it to be virtually empty, and went on to extol the virtues of his accommodation, including room tariffs.

andy d

The Observational Comedy™ Rules of School Nativity Plays

<ol> - Only the Teacher’s pets get to play Mary and Joseph. Only the retards get to play animals. - Every costume must contain a tea towel. - Despite what you see in SitComs, real goats are very rarely used, and it’s even rarer for them to put their heads in the swaddling and eat Jesus’ face. - Before uttering any lines, one kid must burst into tears on stage and be taken off by a teacher. - Lo, there shall be tambourines, and coconut halves, and bells on a stick, and yay, they shall be jangled and clopped. - The tea-towel:tin-foil ratio will be affected by the decision to have three wise men (headscarves), or three kings (crowns).

One year, the teachers decided that a foil star dangled from a stick was not enough, and that I would have to dress up as a big fucking star and put on top of a step-ladder for ten minutes.

The innkeeper knocked me over whilst exiting the stage, and I collapsed on top of a sheep, which stood up and kicked me.

Nick K

A helpful parent made a number of wooden swords for the kids who were cast as Roman soldiers. These proved so popular that it became impossible to persuade any boys to take non-soldier roles. After cajoling, pleading and finally threatening had failed to engender any interest in the other roles, the teachers took the unprecedented step of arming all the boy characters.

And Lo! Shepherds, innkeepers, wise men and even the bloody donkey all celebrated the birth of Christ armed to the fucking teeth with murderous excitement in their eyes.

Tony G

Nativity Rule #7

Seventies Asian kids would be automatically assigned Three Kings roles.

Clive B
]]>Norman McCaig Sagahttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/norman_mccaig_saga/Fri, 28 Nov 2003 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/norman_mccaig_saga/<p>Norman McCaig was a scottish poet who so impressed us with his poetry and name that we rechristened him Nurmin MacQuaggey and recorded his adventures in cartoon form as the <em>Norman McCaig Saga</em> .</p> <p>This three-part epic featured Norman meeting someone and saying &ldquo;I am the poet McCaig&rdquo;, before receiving pieces of sage advice.</p> <p>His three oracles were a man with a large hammer, Yoda and the Jewish Cheese Man. Jewish Cheese Man regularly appeared in our workbook defacing, and had a book of Norman&rsquo;s poetry hidden in his large cossack-style hat.</p>Norman McCaig was a scottish poet who so impressed us with his poetry and name that we rechristened him Nurmin MacQuaggey and recorded his adventures in cartoon form as the Norman McCaig Saga .

This three-part epic featured Norman meeting someone and saying “I am the poet McCaig”, before receiving pieces of sage advice.

His three oracles were a man with a large hammer, Yoda and the Jewish Cheese Man. Jewish Cheese Man regularly appeared in our workbook defacing, and had a book of Norman’s poetry hidden in his large cossack-style hat.

[anon]
]]>Nice Person's Schoolhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nice_person_s_school/Tue, 18 Nov 2003 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nice_person_s_school/<p>I must have attended the only nice person&rsquo;s school in the country. The worst bullying ever that I can remember was that there was a fat girl who didn&rsquo;t get much sun and was rather pale. She also had very pale hair. She was like a self-imposed albino. We used to call her &lsquo;Moomim&rsquo; because she kind of looked like one of those cute hippo-like creatures on TV at the time.</p>I must have attended the only nice person’s school in the country. The worst bullying ever that I can remember was that there was a fat girl who didn’t get much sun and was rather pale. She also had very pale hair. She was like a self-imposed albino. We used to call her ‘Moomim’ because she kind of looked like one of those cute hippo-like creatures on TV at the time.

Had she attended one of your schools, she’d have been called ‘Albino Cunt Bitch’, repeatedly abused to the verge of mass rape, then exposed to some kind of (dog) poo-related activity that you’re all so fond of.

Readers! Have you had surgery that has replaced your real memories with birdsong and rainbows? If so, please use this entry to tell us your heartwarming tales of calling fat kids Mr Healthy Appetite , and calling the effeminate kid Captain Diversity . We’d love to hear how idyllic life was for you. - Log

[anon]

In primary school, the worst torment I suffered was a bunch of older boys always calling me ‘Chocolate Biscuit’. This might have been a moderate insult, had I been black. But I’m not.

I also got called ’ funnyless ‘. Were they trying to say ‘fannyless’? Either way, it was terribly difficult for me to feel bothered.

Thank God secondary school was crueller - otherwise I’d have died of boredom.

[anon]

Having read the above submission, I feel that the fat girl discussed has really missed out on the full playground experience:

Why, just in the last few minutes I have come up with the following:

  • Moonmin-troll (a variation on the building blocks already provided)
  • Rentaghost
  • The New Shmoo
  • The Phantom
  • Snow White
  • Gippo - (if she went to our school and lived at Springfield Road)

Please pass these comments onto her her, not forgetting to steal her lunch money, and give her a punch in her pasty fat stupid tits.

[anon]

When our Home Counties primary school welcomed its first Chinese pupil, the child was accepted immediately, simply because he came from the same part of the world as Monkey .

There were no “Ching Chong Chinaman” jokes. He was followed by a legion of disciples, in the hope that they would be shown how to fight better or summon a cloud from the sky.

Tony G
]]>Nick White, to do ahttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nick_white__to_do_a/Thu, 09 Oct 2003 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nick_white__to_do_a/<p>To develop an erection whilst bouncing on a trampoline. The poor bastard never lived it down.</p> <h5 id="james-p">James P</h5> <hr>To develop an erection whilst bouncing on a trampoline. The poor bastard never lived it down.

James P
]]>nitshttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nits/Fri, 08 Aug 2003 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nits/<p>Desperate pleas that &quot; <em>nits only live in really clean hair</em> &quot; will never be believed. The nurse only told you that to make you feel better. In reality, you even revolted the nurse.</p> <h5 id="conor-f">Conor F</h5> <hr>Desperate pleas that " nits only live in really clean hair " will never be believed. The nurse only told you that to make you feel better. In reality, you even revolted the nurse.

Conor F
]]>nathan's nosehttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nathan_s_nose/Tue, 15 Jul 2003 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nathan_s_nose/<p>At a time when 2unlimited shit classic &ldquo;No Limits&rdquo; was riding high in the charts, this became a brief insult for the bigger nosed members of the school. In particular, Nathan.</p> <p>Nose Nose, Nose-Nose</p> <p>Nose Nose, Nose-Nose</p> <p>Nose Nose, Your Nose</p> <p>KNOWS NO LIMITS</p> <p>(</p> <blockquote> <p>suggested optional extra :<br> it knows no limits - it reaches the sky,<br> it flies round the room - and pokes out my eye - Log)</p>At a time when 2unlimited shit classic “No Limits” was riding high in the charts, this became a brief insult for the bigger nosed members of the school. In particular, Nathan.

Nose Nose, Nose-Nose

Nose Nose, Nose-Nose

Nose Nose, Your Nose

KNOWS NO LIMITS

(

suggested optional extra :
it knows no limits - it reaches the sky,
it flies round the room - and pokes out my eye - Log)

jenny h
]]>NAFFCO54https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/naffco54/Tue, 08 Apr 2003 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/naffco54/<p>The range of cheap saturday market coats as worn by poor children. Inspired the song &lsquo;Nanny Annie Fishy Fanny Condom Fifty-Four&rsquo;.</p> <h5 id="james-b">James B</h5> <hr> <p>A similar kind of thing were &lsquo;Kenwood&rsquo; and &lsquo;Pioneer&rsquo; jackets, which were considered to be a mark of distinction and street credibility.</p> <p>The lustre faded a little when we discovered they were five quid a pop from the local market.</p> <h5 id="ed-r">Ed R</h5> <hr> <p>Since I lived in a town full of pikeys, owning a NaffCO54 jacket was the biznitch. People in Naf Naf coats were pointed at laughed at for being a bunch of hoity-toity poofs. All a matter of perspective really&hellip;</p>The range of cheap saturday market coats as worn by poor children. Inspired the song ‘Nanny Annie Fishy Fanny Condom Fifty-Four’.

James B

A similar kind of thing were ‘Kenwood’ and ‘Pioneer’ jackets, which were considered to be a mark of distinction and street credibility.

The lustre faded a little when we discovered they were five quid a pop from the local market.

Ed R

Since I lived in a town full of pikeys, owning a NaffCO54 jacket was the biznitch. People in Naf Naf coats were pointed at laughed at for being a bunch of hoity-toity poofs. All a matter of perspective really…

Mel M
]]>numbers, gayhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/numbers__gay/Fri, 21 Mar 2003 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/numbers__gay/<p>In the periodic table, the element molybdenum (atomic weight 42) has the abbreviation of &lsquo;MO&rsquo;. Obviously this being short for HOMO, proves without a doubt that &lsquo;42&rsquo; is therefore a completely GAY number and anyone getting 42% on an exam is a 100% vagina-decliner.</p> <h5 id="rob-s">Rob S</h5> <hr> <p>Actually 23 is the gay number because it was the number on somene&rsquo;s hat who was definately gay. So there.</p> <p><em>Readers! Do you have a number that you think is gay? Perhaps you think the number 11 looks like two thin men bumming. Perhaps, like James Matthewman, you saw a number on a gay man&rsquo;s hat. Perhaps you&rsquo;re gay yourself, and you&rsquo;ve got a number you like to wipe on your penis. Send in those gay numbers!</em></p>In the periodic table, the element molybdenum (atomic weight 42) has the abbreviation of ‘MO’. Obviously this being short for HOMO, proves without a doubt that ‘42’ is therefore a completely GAY number and anyone getting 42% on an exam is a 100% vagina-decliner.

Rob S

Actually 23 is the gay number because it was the number on somene’s hat who was definately gay. So there.

Readers! Do you have a number that you think is gay? Perhaps you think the number 11 looks like two thin men bumming. Perhaps, like James Matthewman, you saw a number on a gay man’s hat. Perhaps you’re gay yourself, and you’ve got a number you like to wipe on your penis. Send in those gay numbers!

James M

I humbly nominate the number 10 as a gay number.

There are two reasons for this.

Firstly, when Adam Blanchard announced his tenth birthday, it went like this;

Adam Blanchard : I am ten today.

Martin Bradshaw : And you’re a puff.

Secondly, it was the house number of my quiet, thin, and well-dressed friend Chris. Although he wasn’t actually a botter himself, the air around him was thick with the smell of gay promise.

That’s good enough for me, Tony. 10 joins 23 and 42, and is officially as gay as Michael Elphick’s pony. Does anyone else have a gay number they’d like to share? I want every number from 1 to 100 gayed up before sundown.

Tony G

If you turn the number 300 on its side, it looks a bit like a bum pooing. And gays like bums (and probably poo too), therefore 300 is gay.

Nick K

On the wall where everyone went for a cigarettes at my school, this was written in six inch high Tippex letters..

BUM65

Was it a bummer boasting the location of his sixty-fifth bum? Or did the bum refer to the “bumming” of a cigarette? Was it a mis-telling of the PEN15 joke? I didn’t hang around to find out - I didn’t want to be BUM66.

[anon]

The standard number sets you are taught in school in increasing order of complexity are natural, integers, rational, real and complex. Deciding this was too restrictive we added on the new sets of gay, lesbian and nomad numbers.

Gay numbers were any number that had a repeated digit. 66 for example. Clearly too in love with its own kind. Lesbian numbers were a complex number where the real and imaginary part were of the same value. 6 + i6 for example. Nomad numbers were numbers that changed every day depending on where you were on the world and could only be found out by connecting via satellite to the international nomad number determination board. In reality I made them up.

[anon]
]]>Nicholashttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nicholas/Mon, 17 Feb 2003 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nicholas/<p>Double French is never a highlight of the week, unless a member of the previous class has left a pair of highly skidmarked girl’s underpants on the floor.</p> <p>The true culprit was never discovered but kids need a victim, and that victim was Sylvia. As punishment she was shut in a classroom as we banged on the windows singing &ldquo;Nicholas&rdquo; (knicker-less, geddit?) and threw our (clean) gym knickers at the window.</p>Double French is never a highlight of the week, unless a member of the previous class has left a pair of highly skidmarked girl’s underpants on the floor.

The true culprit was never discovered but kids need a victim, and that victim was Sylvia. As punishment she was shut in a classroom as we banged on the windows singing “Nicholas” (knicker-less, geddit?) and threw our (clean) gym knickers at the window.

Kathryn H

If your name is Nicholas, you should never admit to going commando on wash-day.

[anon]
]]>Nosh, noshinghttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nosh__noshing/Thu, 30 Jan 2003 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nosh__noshing/<p>Onomatopoeic; a blow job. Funnier since Ikea took it up as an advertising slogan. Incidentally, the only real naughtiness in the IKEA catalogue is the RIMMA guest towel.</p> <h5 id="kirsty-b">Kirsty B</h5> <hr> <p>No-one hasn&rsquo;t gone through the entire Ikea catalogue, searching for even the vaguest rudeness. It takes a little dedication, but then, you find gold;</p> <p>&lt;img src=&ldquo;<a href="http://www.disappointment.com/playground/fartyg.jpg%22">http://www.disappointment.com/playground/fartyg.jpg&quot;</a>&gt;</p> <p>So you throw back your head and laugh - those Swedish! But that&rsquo;s not enough - you&rsquo;re on a <em>roll</em> , now you&rsquo;ve had the Fartyg. So you spent two more determined hours, and eventually&hellip; you find something! And it&rsquo;s good! God, it&rsquo;s good!</p>Onomatopoeic; a blow job. Funnier since Ikea took it up as an advertising slogan. Incidentally, the only real naughtiness in the IKEA catalogue is the RIMMA guest towel.

Kirsty B

No-one hasn’t gone through the entire Ikea catalogue, searching for even the vaguest rudeness. It takes a little dedication, but then, you find gold;

<img src=“http://www.disappointment.com/playground/fartyg.jpg">

So you throw back your head and laugh - those Swedish! But that’s not enough - you’re on a roll , now you’ve had the Fartyg. So you spent two more determined hours, and eventually… you find something! And it’s good! God, it’s good!

<img src=“http://www.disappointment.com/playground/bumerang.jpg">

Ha ha! A bummer rang for you. Yes. He was Swedish! Crazy Swedish bummers have been ringing you all day!

But then comes a long, dry patch, during which you doctor the VIPS pastry brush to look like NIPS. By now, your head is utterly full of these meaningless Swedishnesses. You’re desperate for an excuse to see something, anything recognisable…

<img src=“http://www.disappointment.com/playground/uddabo.jpg">

Ha ha! Stupid Swedish cow, with you smelly Udder BO. Rinse your udders, you filthy smelly cow! You laugh to yourself, but you know you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel. Appalled at yourself, that you’ve spent the best part of a day idly leafing through an Ikea catalogue with no intention of even buying anything, you throw the book away.

That night, you dream in Swedish. And you dream of a range of glassware.

<img src=“http://www.disappointment.com/playground/browndik.jpg">

When you wake up, you won’t know whether it was a dream or not. You’ll go to that discarded catalogue, you will wipe the old food from the cover, and you’ll spend the rest of the day trying to make Vika Manne sound rude in your head.

Ben A
]]>new, are you?https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/new__are_you_/Wed, 11 Dec 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/new__are_you_/<p>It was common practice at my first secondary school for the upper 6th to ask first years &ldquo;Hello, are you new?&rdquo;. You would invariably think they were extending the hand of friendship and answer &ldquo;Yes.&rdquo; At this point the 6th former would say &ldquo;Hello New&rdquo; and he and all his friends would collapse with laughter. After a few times, when you had wised up you might try replying &ldquo;No.&rdquo; This was met with the logically baffling &ldquo;Hello No&rdquo; and even more laughter, and probably a thump.</p>It was common practice at my first secondary school for the upper 6th to ask first years “Hello, are you new?”. You would invariably think they were extending the hand of friendship and answer “Yes.” At this point the 6th former would say “Hello New” and he and all his friends would collapse with laughter. After a few times, when you had wised up you might try replying “No.” This was met with the logically baffling “Hello No” and even more laughter, and probably a thump.

Chief C
]]>naked fuzzy felt life of jesushttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/naked_fuzzy_felt_life_of_jesus/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/naked_fuzzy_felt_life_of_jesus/<p>We were told a bizzare story from the Bible about Jesus arriving at a city and the children being so happy that the took off all their clothes and threw them at him (so maybe Michael Jackson&rsquo;s messianic posturing fits more snugly with his private life than you might think). People taking their clothes off is more than any group of six-year-olds should be expected to deal with, but Mrs Dodman chose to illustrate this dirty, dirty story with fuzzy-felt style figures with removeable clothes stuck up on a big notice board. Her sensitive treatment of an important moment in the life of our Lord was wrecked by a hall full of children laughing and pointing. The thing is, I can&rsquo;t remember any other Bible stories being dealt with in this way, so it must have been a one-off. Where do you get these things from? Is there an under the counter service at the SPCK bookshop?</p>We were told a bizzare story from the Bible about Jesus arriving at a city and the children being so happy that the took off all their clothes and threw them at him (so maybe Michael Jackson’s messianic posturing fits more snugly with his private life than you might think). People taking their clothes off is more than any group of six-year-olds should be expected to deal with, but Mrs Dodman chose to illustrate this dirty, dirty story with fuzzy-felt style figures with removeable clothes stuck up on a big notice board. Her sensitive treatment of an important moment in the life of our Lord was wrecked by a hall full of children laughing and pointing. The thing is, I can’t remember any other Bible stories being dealt with in this way, so it must have been a one-off. Where do you get these things from? Is there an under the counter service at the SPCK bookshop?

S. H
]]>nation of dominationhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nation_of_domination/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nation_of_domination/<p>Not that we were racist, or anything, but we had the idea of the Nation of Domination, wherein black people would be put into tubes and forced to drown on their own excrement. Very slowly. We never told that to anyone, and no-one knew what the Nation of Domination was, except a select few. Then came the day that our black friend wanted to join.</p> <h5 id="stephen-b">Stephen B</h5> <hr>Not that we were racist, or anything, but we had the idea of the Nation of Domination, wherein black people would be put into tubes and forced to drown on their own excrement. Very slowly. We never told that to anyone, and no-one knew what the Nation of Domination was, except a select few. Then came the day that our black friend wanted to join.

Stephen B
]]>nature girls, thehttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nature_girls__the/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nature_girls__the/<p>A group of about six girls, who claimed to be an &ldquo;environmental&rdquo; group and received permission to use the library for our &ldquo;meetings&rdquo;. We even had a logo, which we drew on our official membership cards and notebooks (crafted from stapled foolscap). In actual fact the name of the club was simply a cover for its real purpose, which was to sit around and write secret-code gossipy messages about Andrea. The club lasted for a week, until the rest of the class found out about the Nature Girls and its crappy name and laughed it out of existence.</p>A group of about six girls, who claimed to be an “environmental” group and received permission to use the library for our “meetings”. We even had a logo, which we drew on our official membership cards and notebooks (crafted from stapled foolscap). In actual fact the name of the club was simply a cover for its real purpose, which was to sit around and write secret-code gossipy messages about Andrea. The club lasted for a week, until the rest of the class found out about the Nature Girls and its crappy name and laughed it out of existence.

Poppy
]]>nazi chair arrangementshttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nazi_chair_arrangements/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nazi_chair_arrangements/<p>The swastika is a potent symbol, massive swastikas made up from chairs in the classroom more so. So we assembled one. It worked, but the culprits hadn&rsquo;t thought about quite how pissed off the Jews might be by this - certainly no-one had considered that they might complain to the head of year. The school, entirely understandably given that about 30% of its pupils were Jewish, took a deeply dim view of neo-Nazism, which taught us an important lesson. Extreme right-wing politics, fascism, and genocide are bad, okay kids?</p>The swastika is a potent symbol, massive swastikas made up from chairs in the classroom more so. So we assembled one. It worked, but the culprits hadn’t thought about quite how pissed off the Jews might be by this - certainly no-one had considered that they might complain to the head of year. The school, entirely understandably given that about 30% of its pupils were Jewish, took a deeply dim view of neo-Nazism, which taught us an important lesson. Extreme right-wing politics, fascism, and genocide are bad, okay kids?

Bedslug
]]>nearly knickershttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nearly_knickers/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nearly_knickers/<p>A cruel show performed by girls, built on the relentless requests by boys for a flash of their knickers. The skirt would be lifted and folded in a carefully calculated fan-formation to the following song;</p> <p>One, two, three, four,</p> <p>come on boys and see some more!</p> <p>Five, six, seven, eight,</p> <p>Sorry boys you&rsquo;re just too late.</p> <p>At this point the skirt would be released back to it&rsquo;s full length, just before any part of the knickers had been revealed, leaving the boys to punch their own palms in cartoonish frustration.</p>A cruel show performed by girls, built on the relentless requests by boys for a flash of their knickers. The skirt would be lifted and folded in a carefully calculated fan-formation to the following song;

One, two, three, four,

come on boys and see some more!

Five, six, seven, eight,

Sorry boys you’re just too late.

At this point the skirt would be released back to it’s full length, just before any part of the knickers had been revealed, leaving the boys to punch their own palms in cartoonish frustration.

Kevin D

A girl in my first school was not such a tease…

If you were quick enough to run back to the classroom after P.E, Helen Whitton would take her knickers off, stand on the desk and turn around. In addition to this spinning top of prepubescent wank fantasy, she would also sit on your lap in exchange for marbles.

Helen now plays for the Sussex County Womens football team (pictured top row, 2nd in from the left).

<img src=“http://www.sussexfa.com/repteams/Womens/womens.htm">

[anon]
]]>negative personhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/negative_person/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/negative_person/<p>One so dull that their joining a group has a similar effect to a funny, popular person leaving. One such personality went on to become the Lib Dem candidate somewhere in West Lothian in the 1997 General Election.</p> <h5 id="bedslug">Bedslug</h5> <hr> <p>Simon Larkins was so dull he was given a negative nickname. He was known as Simon &lsquo;Simon Larkins&rsquo; Larkins.</p> <h5 id="andrew-c">Andrew C</h5> <hr>One so dull that their joining a group has a similar effect to a funny, popular person leaving. One such personality went on to become the Lib Dem candidate somewhere in West Lothian in the 1997 General Election.

Bedslug

Simon Larkins was so dull he was given a negative nickname. He was known as Simon ‘Simon Larkins’ Larkins.

Andrew C
]]>ninja bombshttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/ninja_bombs/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/ninja_bombs/<p>An exciting name for something rather lame. Two 2p coins wrapped in rolls of paper caps and sellotape, which was thrown at any hard surface to cause a moderately loud bang. The use of these primitive pyrotechnics eventually led to the exciting games of &ldquo;Spray the aerosol can at the flaming pile of lavatory paper&rdquo; and in my case &ldquo;Use the air bomb to explode giant size lemons in Fung Tang&rsquo;s back garden&rdquo;.</p>An exciting name for something rather lame. Two 2p coins wrapped in rolls of paper caps and sellotape, which was thrown at any hard surface to cause a moderately loud bang. The use of these primitive pyrotechnics eventually led to the exciting games of “Spray the aerosol can at the flaming pile of lavatory paper” and in my case “Use the air bomb to explode giant size lemons in Fung Tang’s back garden”.

Rob W
]]>nipple gripplehttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nipple_gripple/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nipple_gripple/<p>A playful, yet painful, pinch and twist motion on the nipple. aka tit-nip.</p> <h5 id="jon-b">Jon B</h5> <hr>A playful, yet painful, pinch and twist motion on the nipple. aka tit-nip.

Jon B
]]>nipple patrolhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nipple_patrol/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nipple_patrol/<p>Amusing extension of the nipple gripple that often got out of hand. On a quiet and rainy lunchtime one boy (usually school delinquant Oliver) would nipple cripple another boy until they gave up and agreed to join the patrol. They would then go and find another boy and nipple gripple him until he also &ldquo;joined the patrol&rdquo;. This would go on until there was a stupidly large group of boys (often more than thirty) and new boys were becoming increasingly difficult to find. Girls were obviously taboo, because we thought their nipples might come off, and bottles of milk would fall out. We usually stopped when the group was so large that we actually made some poor youth&rsquo;s nipples bleed. Which invariably happened.</p>Amusing extension of the nipple gripple that often got out of hand. On a quiet and rainy lunchtime one boy (usually school delinquant Oliver) would nipple cripple another boy until they gave up and agreed to join the patrol. They would then go and find another boy and nipple gripple him until he also “joined the patrol”. This would go on until there was a stupidly large group of boys (often more than thirty) and new boys were becoming increasingly difficult to find. Girls were obviously taboo, because we thought their nipples might come off, and bottles of milk would fall out. We usually stopped when the group was so large that we actually made some poor youth’s nipples bleed. Which invariably happened.

Mike
]]>no shit, sherlockhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/no_shit__sherlock/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/no_shit__sherlock/<p>For some reason, this is a very funny thing to say when you and your friends are on acid, and logic slips vaguely back into place for a moment. This isn&rsquo;t a playground thing, it&rsquo;s just something I wanted to share. If it encourages children to take acid, all the better. Anybody got any spare acid?</p> <h5 id="jon-b">Jon B</h5> <hr> <p>What isn&rsquo;t so funny is the somewhat smarmy reply of &ldquo;Keep shovelling, Watson&rdquo; which tends to bring things back down to Earth with a bump.</p>For some reason, this is a very funny thing to say when you and your friends are on acid, and logic slips vaguely back into place for a moment. This isn’t a playground thing, it’s just something I wanted to share. If it encourages children to take acid, all the better. Anybody got any spare acid?

Jon B

What isn’t so funny is the somewhat smarmy reply of “Keep shovelling, Watson” which tends to bring things back down to Earth with a bump.

Nick H
]]>no uniform days, misunderstoodhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/no_uniform_days__misunderstood/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/no_uniform_days__misunderstood/<p>Misunderstanding the concept of No Uniform Day, Graham McKillop arrived at school in a Lemming costume, complete with green hair. Good publicity for Psygnosis; bad, BAD publicity for Graham McKillop.</p> <h5 id="paul-equinox-c">Paul Equinox C</h5> <hr> <p>Class spacker David Howell turned up to non-uniform day dressed as a cowboy.</p> <p>Oddly, when we saw his little dejected face drop as he realised his mistake, our vicious hearts melted. We spent the rest of the day trying to pretend that a cowboy costume was the height of fashion, to reduce the risk of poor David being tormented by other pupils. It was a genuine moment of altruism towards someone less fortunate than ourselves.</p>Misunderstanding the concept of No Uniform Day, Graham McKillop arrived at school in a Lemming costume, complete with green hair. Good publicity for Psygnosis; bad, BAD publicity for Graham McKillop.

Paul Equinox C

Class spacker David Howell turned up to non-uniform day dressed as a cowboy.

Oddly, when we saw his little dejected face drop as he realised his mistake, our vicious hearts melted. We spent the rest of the day trying to pretend that a cowboy costume was the height of fashion, to reduce the risk of poor David being tormented by other pupils. It was a genuine moment of altruism towards someone less fortunate than ourselves.

Even now, just talking about it makes me feel sick.

Gotty G
]]>nob-chickenhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nob_chicken/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nob_chicken/<p>We had a history teacher who wrote copious notes on the blackboard. It became a test of courage to wait until he was in the middle of writing and stand up and whip out your knob. Whoever dared to leave it out the longest, risking him turning around and catching you, was the Knob-King of the week. Once, a particularly unpopular boy, trying to ingratiate himself with the in-crowd, whipped out his knob during the lesson and the boy behind him yanked his trousers and pants down and shouted &lsquo;KNOB!&rsquo; Of course, the teacher turned around and caught him. He was sent home and his parents had to come in and see the headmaster.</p>We had a history teacher who wrote copious notes on the blackboard. It became a test of courage to wait until he was in the middle of writing and stand up and whip out your knob. Whoever dared to leave it out the longest, risking him turning around and catching you, was the Knob-King of the week. Once, a particularly unpopular boy, trying to ingratiate himself with the in-crowd, whipped out his knob during the lesson and the boy behind him yanked his trousers and pants down and shouted ‘KNOB!’ Of course, the teacher turned around and caught him. He was sent home and his parents had to come in and see the headmaster.

Bob R
]]>nob-noghttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nob_nog/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nob_nog/<p>A thick and glutinous ejaculation, which is slightly yellow in colour, and alcoholic. Coined after an English lesson demonstration of how to make Egg-Nog, which was all very exciting because we had booze in the classroom. We were allowed to have tiny sips and pretend to be drunk.</p> <h5 id="jon-b">Jon B</h5> <hr>A thick and glutinous ejaculation, which is slightly yellow in colour, and alcoholic. Coined after an English lesson demonstration of how to make Egg-Nog, which was all very exciting because we had booze in the classroom. We were allowed to have tiny sips and pretend to be drunk.

Jon B
]]>norfolk punchhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/norfolk_punch/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/norfolk_punch/<p>A non-alcoholic attack where you punch your victim from both sides, in either kidney.</p> <h5 id="jon-b">Jon B</h5> <hr>A non-alcoholic attack where you punch your victim from both sides, in either kidney.

Jon B
]]>norman fennellhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/norman_fennell/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/norman_fennell/<p>We had a G.C.S.E. Physics teacher called Mr Fennell. He was an arse to begin with, but any teacher whose first name is Norman deserves everything he gets.\n\nNorm used to have whole lists of sayings, like when he demonstrated action and reaction using a trolley on a spring he would pull the spring tight saying &ldquo;I&rsquo;m no fool, I&rsquo;ve played this game before&rdquo;. Or when holding a hot jar, &ldquo;Ooh, Mucho Hotto&rdquo;. Bad enough as it stands, but only augmented by the fact that he was an inveterate pipe smoker, and would always, without fail, set us some crappy task and disappear across the corridor to the Prep Room to have a quick puff.\n\nThis led our hardy little band of Physicists to form the &ldquo;Happy Norm Appreciation Society&rdquo;, so called because he was a miserable fucker whom we all hated. Such papers existed within the society as &lsquo;Teaching from the Prep Room&rsquo;, &lsquo;The Role of the Pipe in Teaching&rsquo; and &lsquo;Why am I such a twat, my name is Norm&rsquo; Hit songs included Aspects of Norm, The Phantom of the Opera&rsquo;s Lighting System, CapAciTorS and the list goes on.\n\nYes, we were sad, but my God the look on his face on our last day when we presented him with the collected papers of The Normers was worth every pubescent moment. And all this informed my own short lived teaching career in Manchester: I decided maybe I wasn&rsquo;t quite in the right mould when one lunchtime I discovered I had the same nicknames for my colleagues as the kids did.\n\nLike Mr Henderson, who is bald. Clearly, Hendyslap. No question. This is the same Hendyslap who strode into the main staff room, irritated by the mess of coffee granules on the side, proclaiming, &ldquo;Would the member of staff who has Palsy please refrain from making coffee&rdquo;. Oops.</p>We had a G.C.S.E. Physics teacher called Mr Fennell. He was an arse to begin with, but any teacher whose first name is Norman deserves everything he gets.\n\nNorm used to have whole lists of sayings, like when he demonstrated action and reaction using a trolley on a spring he would pull the spring tight saying “I’m no fool, I’ve played this game before”. Or when holding a hot jar, “Ooh, Mucho Hotto”. Bad enough as it stands, but only augmented by the fact that he was an inveterate pipe smoker, and would always, without fail, set us some crappy task and disappear across the corridor to the Prep Room to have a quick puff.\n\nThis led our hardy little band of Physicists to form the “Happy Norm Appreciation Society”, so called because he was a miserable fucker whom we all hated. Such papers existed within the society as ‘Teaching from the Prep Room’, ‘The Role of the Pipe in Teaching’ and ‘Why am I such a twat, my name is Norm’ Hit songs included Aspects of Norm, The Phantom of the Opera’s Lighting System, CapAciTorS and the list goes on.\n\nYes, we were sad, but my God the look on his face on our last day when we presented him with the collected papers of The Normers was worth every pubescent moment. And all this informed my own short lived teaching career in Manchester: I decided maybe I wasn’t quite in the right mould when one lunchtime I discovered I had the same nicknames for my colleagues as the kids did.\n\nLike Mr Henderson, who is bald. Clearly, Hendyslap. No question. This is the same Hendyslap who strode into the main staff room, irritated by the mess of coffee granules on the side, proclaiming, “Would the member of staff who has Palsy please refrain from making coffee”. Oops.

Ian D
]]>normanshttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/normans/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/normans/<p>After playing &ldquo;speednob&rdquo; on your exercise book, one method of correction was making them look like Norman soldiers. This is done by extending the &lsquo;jap line&rsquo; down beyond the &lsquo;head line&rsquo;, making the nose guard of the Normal helmet, and adding a face. Additional realism could be achieved by adding a little arm holding a spear or sword, and shield.</p> <h5 id="tuppence">Tuppence</h5> <hr> <p>Unfortunatly this practise became pointless after it was realised that with just a few strokes of a biro a mane of pubes could be created. It is true - I speak from experience - that a pair of hairy bollocks can never look like anything other than a pair of hairy bollocks, no matter how many swords it has in its hands.</p>After playing “speednob” on your exercise book, one method of correction was making them look like Norman soldiers. This is done by extending the ‘jap line’ down beyond the ‘head line’, making the nose guard of the Normal helmet, and adding a face. Additional realism could be achieved by adding a little arm holding a spear or sword, and shield.

Tuppence

Unfortunatly this practise became pointless after it was realised that with just a few strokes of a biro a mane of pubes could be created. It is true - I speak from experience - that a pair of hairy bollocks can never look like anything other than a pair of hairy bollocks, no matter how many swords it has in its hands.

Nossidge M
]]>nothinghttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nothing/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nothing/<p>A craze that went on for far too long was getting urgently catching someone&rsquo;s attention, then saying &ldquo;nothing&rdquo; as though they were cretins for asking. It went a little something like this: &ldquo;Hey John! John!&rdquo; &ldquo;Yes, Tuppence?&rdquo; &ldquo;Nothing&rdquo; (cue laughter)</p> <h5 id="tuppence">Tuppence</h5> <hr> <p>Another variant is the slightly more sophisticated &ldquo;Can I just interrupt you there?&rdquo; and when they say &ldquo;Yes&rdquo; you say &ldquo;Thanks&rdquo;, and walk off. This is slightly irritating, however, to people who heard Saturday Night Fry on Radio 4 in 1988, formed a strong bond with the programme, only to hear other people you had lent the tape to saying lines from it and passing it off as their own. I went up to them, and said &ldquo;your behaviour is like a bad underpant - transparent and unclean.&rdquo;</p>A craze that went on for far too long was getting urgently catching someone’s attention, then saying “nothing” as though they were cretins for asking. It went a little something like this: “Hey John! John!” “Yes, Tuppence?” “Nothing” (cue laughter)

Tuppence

Another variant is the slightly more sophisticated “Can I just interrupt you there?” and when they say “Yes” you say “Thanks”, and walk off. This is slightly irritating, however, to people who heard Saturday Night Fry on Radio 4 in 1988, formed a strong bond with the programme, only to hear other people you had lent the tape to saying lines from it and passing it off as their own. I went up to them, and said “your behaviour is like a bad underpant - transparent and unclean.”

Jon B
]]>nuclear hand grenadeshttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nuclear_hand_grenades/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nuclear_hand_grenades/<p>#3 in the lies of Troy Hawkins series.</p> <p>Troy once also pulled aside a friend of mine, and told him he could get &ldquo;Nuclear Hand Grenades&rdquo; for a very reasonable price. Troy, we feel, had not put his usual amount of effort into making this lie believable.</p> <h5 id="johnzini">Johnzini</h5> <hr> <p>Tim&rsquo;s father worked for Crawley&rsquo;s largest nuclear power plant. He was also left a kilo of cocaine in his grandmother&rsquo;s will. Yet he was modest enough, despite his highly paid father and immense narcotic nest egg, to only wear Le Coq Sportif trainers and NHS glasses.</p>#3 in the lies of Troy Hawkins series.

Troy once also pulled aside a friend of mine, and told him he could get “Nuclear Hand Grenades” for a very reasonable price. Troy, we feel, had not put his usual amount of effort into making this lie believable.

Johnzini

Tim’s father worked for Crawley’s largest nuclear power plant. He was also left a kilo of cocaine in his grandmother’s will. Yet he was modest enough, despite his highly paid father and immense narcotic nest egg, to only wear Le Coq Sportif trainers and NHS glasses.

robert d

Cigarette companies have been stopped from issuing Gratis Points and the like, because it’s allofasudden bad to make people smoke as much as possible to earn a free umbrella.

However, when these little cards were commonplace, really hard kids could claim that they’d smoked so many fags that they’d claimed a F-16 Fighter Plane. When pressed to arrive in school in it the next day, they would say “couldn’t park it, sold it to the army for a million pounds”. When pressed to produce this million pounds, or any evidence of it, they would say “can’t, spent it all on fags and smoked ’em”.

Richard S

Beany said he owned a snake. He also told us that he had a swimming pool.

You can imagine how disappointed we were when we went to his house, only to find that the snake had fallen into the swimming pool and died - And as a mark of respect, and to prevent any further and unnecessary snake accidents, his dad was forced to fill the swimming pool in with concrete.

james s

Another classic from the mouth of David Watson - apparently his grandfather had created a new serum which, when injected into the neck, allowed you to turn your head more than 180 degrees. Unfortunately, a teacher came into the classroom as we were testing if there was any serum in David’s neck, thus forcing us to put up with this kind of shit for another 7 years.

Pogglesnatch

Daniel Sodaburgh’s dad was the Ultimate Warrior, and his uncle was Hulk Hogan. They both had the Knight Rider car. Normal enough, I suppose, plenty of kids lie about what their parents do.

However, his mum was Batman. That’s Bat MAN.

He was 12 when he told us this and no amount of backpedalling on his part made us forget it. Ever.

[anon]
]]>nut and bolt bombshttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nut_and_bolt_bombs/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nut_and_bolt_bombs/<p>How to cheer up boring wet breaks. First get your hands on two bolts, one nut and a packet of Swan matches. Screw one bolt a turn and a half into the nut then fill the centre of the remaining hole in the nut with the &rsquo;explosive&rsquo; material off the top of a number of matches. Carefully screw the second bolt in, not too fast or you could end up with a burnt hand. This done, you&rsquo;re ready with a primed explosive projectile device. I can&rsquo;t remember anyone getting hurt but it was exciting at the time - and noisy especially when the coat racks got a strike!</p>How to cheer up boring wet breaks. First get your hands on two bolts, one nut and a packet of Swan matches. Screw one bolt a turn and a half into the nut then fill the centre of the remaining hole in the nut with the ’explosive’ material off the top of a number of matches. Carefully screw the second bolt in, not too fast or you could end up with a burnt hand. This done, you’re ready with a primed explosive projectile device. I can’t remember anyone getting hurt but it was exciting at the time - and noisy especially when the coat racks got a strike!

Professor/Paranoid A
]]>nutjobhttps://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nutjob/Sun, 24 Nov 2002 00:00:00 +0000https://pdg.ishanisv.org/posts/n/nutjob/<p>Someone of lower intelligence than than the rest of their group. Nutjobs were often administered <em>chapatees</em> , swift slaps to the forehead that made such a satisfying noise that people would turn from their conversations to say &ldquo;that&rsquo;s good chapatee&rdquo;.</p> <h5 id="jon-r">Jon R</h5> <hr>Someone of lower intelligence than than the rest of their group. Nutjobs were often administered chapatees , swift slaps to the forehead that made such a satisfying noise that people would turn from their conversations to say “that’s good chapatee”.

Jon R
]]>