Woggy

In reality this bore less of a resemblance to a madcap slapstick TV show and more a bizarre ritual by an oriental death cult as wave after wave of young boys chose to voluntarily sterilize themselves.

Jesse V

An admirable idea irrevocably marred when Tim Ives dropped several valiums and some acid. If you can imagine Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas with the whole cast in wheelchairs, wearing Dreamscape bomber jackets, you’re starting to get the picture.

Chris P

[anon]

This was briefly popular at our school until Steven Richardson blurted out “I love you!” to Andy Scott, missing the point entirely, but confirming what we already knew.

toastie d

On a similar note, mouthing “vacuum” looks a lot like you’re saying “fuck you”. Though this probably doesn’t count because I just nicked it from an episode of Family Guy.

Nick K

The Boy T

It’s not Béard, it’s Béart, you pig ignorant plume de ma tante. See me.

[anon]

Apparently a toley is a willy, and hen’s keech is chicken poo. No further translation is provided.

Helmut C

Just so that you know, a toley is in fact a jobbie, and not a willy as previously suggested.

Brother Benji W

Also the Scottish expression wee toley means turtle’s head . So as long as you’re in Scotland, you can say “Oh, so ye cannae sit fae yer wee toley?”, without anyone replying what the fuck are you talking about?

greg i

Reported cases are limited, but it’s still funny more than 5 years on.

Tom W

[anon]

After a series of sex-ed classes, Jason B. adopted the phrase “epididimus scrotumsac” to replace “exactly”, “excuse me” and anything else that began with “eh…..”.

He still throws it into the occaisional conversation, despite the fact it’s impossible to reverse translate, and makes him sound like a cunt. And he’s 38. Cunt.

uncle m

We were armed with plastic bats (which were very real, but not very impressive) and ray guns (vice versa).

And you know Short Circuit, when the authorities are searching the desert for Johnny Five? Well, we’d box the chords from that, too. ‘Cos we were ace .

Roberto M

Simply by learning a few more basic words - including dog, mother, suck, tetraplegic, vodka and full anal - you can do much better.

Jon B

Mr Carnell taught us that the rudest thing you can say in French is “Et ta soeur!”

Translation: “And your sister!” It apparently worked best as a reply to someone insulting you; i.e. “You’re a tosser!” “So’s your sister!”

I suspect that this is the rudest thing you can say in french. IF YOU’RE FIVE YEARS OLD.

Andy M

Here is a quick lesson in the many different ways you can fuck the sister of a friend, in the style of those hilarious emails which give show you the flexibility of the word “fuck”. You know… “what do you mean, a fucking iceberg?” Those. They’re funny .

J’encule ta soeur.

“I fuck your sister”, or “I am fucking your sister”. It should be obvious from the circumstances which one you mean.

J’ai enculé ta soeur.

“I fucked your sister.” Bog-standard.

Je vais enculer ta soeur.

“I am going to fuck your sister.” Best said whilst putting your hat on and leaving the room with a monkey wrench in your hand.

Je dois enculer ta soeur.

“I must fuck your sister.” Say this after banging your head in a “that reminds me, I’m so forgetful” sort of way.

J’enculais ta soeur, mais elle a mal au vagin.

I would fuck your sister, but she has a poorly vagina.

You could always do the pluperfect, I suppose, but I really can’t be bothered. And according to Altavista, enculer means to fuck in the ass. So that’s a nice bonus for everyone concerned.

Jon B

More literally, enculez means bugger rather than fuck. French slang for bottom is ‘cul’ (think of culottes or cul-de-sac) so enculer is to ’enbum’.

‘Vous vous enculez’ is apparently vastly more insulting to a French than ‘go and bum yourself’ sounds to an English.

Why am I writing this? I found all this out in my thirties, not in the playground. Soz.

( That’s alright, Doctor Jaysus; your insight into rudimentary French swearing has been valuable, and had “bum” in it. - Log)

Doctor J

Leigh L

[anon]

Susan T

Tyrannosaurus F

Kid A: You’re an eef!

Kid B: Eef what?

Kids A+B (singing): Eef I was a rich man…

They would then continue to sing any of the rest of the words if they could a) remember them, and b} be bothered.

Matt F

Julian B

Matt S

Nigger was changed to tiger in a more sensitive age, despite the fact that if you grabbed a tiger’s toe, it would probably cut your finger off with its claw.

[anon]

Eenie meenie at our school was always a bit of a lost cause. I imagine an adult at some point tried to offer a reasonable-sounding substitution to the word ’nigger’ but failed to come up with anything. This resulted in some confusion.

On the plus side, none of us used the word ’nigger’; on the minus side, no-one as far as I can remember could ever really complete the rhyme. Attempts were made to guess what the missing words might be, and this was the best we could come up with:

Eenie Meenie Miney Mo,

Catch a fish and let it go,

Eenie Meenie Miney Mo,

Eenie Meenie Miney Mo.

A good example, I think, of an oral tradition utterly failing to evolve. Or, more accurately, evolving into a form that has spazflippers instead of arms and legs. I think we’d have been glad for the suggestion of ‘Tiger’.

Erin M

I just found out what it’s all about. “Catch a nigger by the toe” was a way of finding out whether the nigger you were confronted with was - in fact - not a nigger at all, but the devil .

The devil’s cloven hooves, you see, would feel no pain at the squeezing of a toe. However, your nigger would squeal, and say “ooh, me toe!”, whilst hopping on one foot.

So it’s not racist at all, you see - because if the nigger isn’t the devil, you let him go, with a cheery “sorry about the toe, old bean, but you can’t be too careful with you niggers”.

Jon B

As I recall we said the naughty version but knowing it was naughty, shiftily flubbed the ‘nigger’ bit, thus:

Eenie Meenie Minee Moe,
Catch a nngh-nngh by his toe.

The odd thing was, we (or perhaps it was just me) never actually knew what the original offending word that had to be flubbed was. This led to additional cover-ups just in case other words in the rhyme were naughty also, hence:

If he hoo-hars, let him go.

By the time we’d finished self-editing, we sounded like a bunch of West Country Joeys.

[anon]

Emma C

A very similar tradition was upheld with John Sweet. Upon entry to the common room he was welcomed with a cry of ‘John Sweet, everybody’ and a hearty round of applause.

He also had Happy Birthday sung to him on 364 days of every year.

Will H

We used to wind up a small but violent first year called James Lloyd Wooller using a similar method. We would start in the morning by groaning “Woooooooooooller” when he entered the common room for morning assembly. Even the prefects and some of the younger housemasters would join in. If, or rather when , he responded in anger, he would be met with mock-stern shouts of “James!” or “Lloyd!”, which would set him off even more.

This ritual humiliation probably made more of an impression on us than it did on him - Wooller only lasted a year before being expelled, but me and many of my old schoolfriends (now well into our mid-20s) continue to respond to any expression of anger or irritation with “OK, don’t go James” or “That’s fucking Lloyd “. Even my mum still says it.

Oliver

In reality, a tactic to ensure that Anne-Marie remains “it” for the duration of playtime, despite the number of people she tags. Poor Anne-Marie.

[anon]

Also goes by the similar name of Barleys, like this -

“But I was barleys!”

“No you weren’t, there’s no barleys!”

“But I was barleys!”

“But you can’t have been, there’s no barleys”

“I was so barleys…”

After which the child claiming barleys will be allowed them (if he is hard), or beaten up.

Chris C

“No, I’ve got a bulletproof shield”

“But I shot you with nukerler missiles”

“It’s a nuclear-proof shield too”

“Ok, Zap, zap. You’re dead”

“It’s got laser-proof too. It’s an everything-proof shield.”

“Ok. I get my everything-proof-shield-piercing-bullets and shoot you”

(See also Infinity Plus One)

Steve C

Jason P

[anon]

Settled once and for all with the memory jogging alliteration of Bert the Banana, Ernie the Orange.

Jon B

Dupli C

Dom C

Fuzzbucket

Harry G

[anon]

David H

Ahem? I’m from the north east and we always said Owwwhhhrrrrr. Yes, spelled just like that.

Kate

[anon]

Petal

Matt L

Fuzzbucket

Cartman’s mum described her fart as a stinky apple, too. Is there a link between apples, parents, and farting?

Jon B

I’m 29, and my dad still uses the term ‘windy poo’ when talking to me about farts. Even though windy and poo are both completely innocent words, there’s something innocuously horrific when your dad talks about a scirocco of shit whipping up a turdstorm from your anus.

[anon]

Gilbo

This is clearly a one step removal from the eggy beaner , a fart with all the stench of the egg, and all the force of the baked bean. A true all rounder.

Dr R

Joel

Peter G

SmallPaul

Alex K

The other variation is to get an old 240v to 12v transformer, get a load of friends to hold hands in a line. The two at the ends of the line hold on to one wire each from the 240v side, whilst you attach the other two wires (the 12v side) to a battery. Nothing happens, until you remove one wire from the battery. Hey presto! Everyone leaps a couple of inches off the floor. Depending on the transformer and the battery you use, will determine

a) how high they jump, and

b) how hard you get punched.

If you really balls-up your combination, it is quite possible that some or all of your friends may well die, but what the hell - if you’re prepared to electrocute someone, then they’re probably not that close to you anyway.

Geoff U

Jon B

The character of Elmo hilariously opened his own wine bar, creatively named “Elmo Putney’s Wine Bar”. Thus, any place where more than one fat person congregated became known as Elmo Putney’s Wine Bar. Which, to be fair, would be quite a sophisticated place to hang out for a bunch of overweight 12-year-olds. Certainly classier than “the queue for the ice cream van” or “the spot outside the nurses office where you pick up inhalers”.

Susan T

Jon B

Calum

John D

Previously Undiagnosed Epilepsy - known as “PUE”, or “What the fuck is Robert Squire doing?”

First encountered during the part of the Physics curriculum that involved use of strobe lights to study wave motion or something.

Mong B

As well as strobe lights and computer games, pencil cases may cause eppie fits. In particular, when thrown with precision at a sufferer’s head.

[anon]

I was the worst of five epileptics in my secondary school.

On the down side, I had the full-blown-fall-down-stop-breathing-shake-and-froth-at-the-mouth ‘Grand Mal’ seizures.

On the plus side, when St. Barts cracked down on jewellery, I could carry on wearing my MedicAlert bracelet.

BLING!!!

[anon]

Scott W

> chris is great and everyone likes him

ERROR

Jon B

Dominic S

Still in use at the time of posting:

How do you get a hundred Ethiopians into a telephone box? Put a tin of sardines in it.

How do you get a hundred Ethiopians out of a telephone box? Run past with a tin opener.

blee a

Given here not for their amusement factor, but to remind us all how immense human suffering isn’t all that serious, really.

Q: What’s the fastest thing on earth?

A: An Ethiopian with a dinner ticket.

Q: What’s the second fastest thing on earth?

A: Blue Peter trying to film it.

Q: What would you do if you saw an Ethiopian drowning?

A: Throw him a Polo.

Q: What’s the definition of a barcode?

A: An Ethiopian family photograph.

[anon]

How do you save an Ethiopian from drowning?

Throw him a Polo.

Ha, and what’s more, ha.

Amy D

What’s the difference between an Ethiopian and a tennis ball?

Five grams.

Although other differences between an Ethiopian and a tennis ball are more immediately obvious - green fur, for one. Except when the Ethiopian has died of starvation and is covered in algae, if indeed algae grows on dead people.

[anon]

What is the height of “sadness”?

Putting an Ethiopian in a round room and telling him his dinner is in the corner.

[anon]

What do you find up an Ethiopian’s arse?

Cobwebs.

Rik B

Q: How do you kill 100 flies with one blow?

A: Punch an Ethiopian.

(6/10, Good twist on the Jack the Giant Killer fable of “seven in one blow”)

Q: How did the Grand Canyon Form?

A: An Ethiopian went on holiday dropped a pea down a rabbit hole.

(3/10, if just one Ethiopian went on holiday, there’d hardly be a canyon-forming rush to get the pea, would there? I mean, Americans wouldn’t get out of bed for anything smaller than a gigantic pea pie.)

[anon]

A popular joke in Yorkshire involved the telephone number of some form of Ethiopian food donatory charity, which was 080 028028, or, if said properly by a Yorkshire child, ‘Who ate nowt, nowt to eat, nowt to eat’. Kind of.

Tenuous at best.

Captain C

Hi my name is Matt Brana-Martin, out of the pop group ‘The Slides’. Can I just say that racism is really bad, and that I don’t condone any of these jokes.

I expect if Geldof or Bono saw these jokes, they’d be well upset, and so anyone posting them would never get to play Live Aid 3 or anything like that. And that’s why I would never submit those sort of ‘jokes’ to a website such as this. Oh, AND because of the ‘racism’ thing, obviously.

We’ve probably got an album, or a single out or something, so please buy that, or come and see us live if we’re currently ‘on the road’ - that’s pop music speak for ‘doing a tour’ - we don’t just stand about on a road!

But don’t forget about the racism thing, please (or the buying of our stuff).

Thanks.

Matt Brana-Martin

Matt B

Q - What do you find up an Ethiopian’s bum?

A - Spoon marks.

[anon]

Q: What do Ethiopians do at night?

A: Starve.

[anon]

Why do Ethiopians wear bones through their noses?

So nobody steals their dinner!

Carlos R

“It’s the joke material that nevorr ends.” - Bob Geldof

Q: What do you call 2 Ethiopians in a sleeping bag?

A: Twix.

Q: What do you call 2 Ethiopians on a raft?

A: Drifter.

[anon]

What’s the best thing about getting a blowjob from an Ethiopian?

She’ll definitely swallow.

[anon]

The gaps between the lines of the stave, going upwards, spelled out face. Fuck A Chinaman's Ear never really took off, because the word FACE doesn't really need a mnemonic.

If you ever needed to learn the notes of the Alto Clef, you were probably a bit too into music to be childish about clefs. Which is a shame, because it looks like a big arse.

[anon]

Jon B

Everyone’s a wally, A ninny or a nana or a nerd. Everyone’s a wally….. Everyone’s a wally, that’s the word. Don’t blame me. I had a lonely childhood. And at least I only remember the chorus. There must be somebody sadder. Let me know…. it would mean so much.

James I

The novelty record was sung by Mike Berry, who played Mr Spooner on “Are You Being Served?”. One can only assume that this was not a career high for him.

[anon]

I recall one verse;

First Wally called in Dick the Prick,
Who turned up with his hod.
And he was up to all the tricks,
The good-for-nothing sod.
So he went to work with superglue,
Instead of using water.
“Here Dick”, said Wally,
“Don’t you think you oughta use,
The proper tools to do the job?”
But Richard as his ace,
Had trampled on the tube,
And stuck a shovel to his face.

I also vaguely recall the punk character from the game sounding like Vivian off of the Young Ones on the song. Why do I recall this? Because I once memorised the whole song and sang it to my mum to impress her. It was around this time that I first became aware that my mother hated me, and it wasn’t long before she was openly blaming me for the loss of her figure.

I can’t help thinking that the first chap’s name should read Dick the Brick, what with his hod and all. -Ponky

Stuart L

Jon B

Adkewley

On a similar line, the signs reading “Please mind your head” on our local trains, reminding travellers to watch out for the overhead luggage racks, were easily and often changed to “Fleas in your head”.

[anon]

At a pub I frequented as a sixth former, a colleague and I set to work on the blackboard displaying the sweets of the day.

“Black Currant Cheese Cake” became the ever so wrong “Black Cunt Cheese Cak”.

red a

A green felt tip pen can be gainfully employed to change the logo on a Starbucks Coffee cup to read ‘Fuck off’.

That ’ll show ’em.

[anon]

In Secondary school we had little ‘planners’ to write our homework assignments in, and on the front they had the name of the school, Penglais School.

Obviously with Tippex you could easily erase the ‘G’, the ‘L’ and the ‘A’, to make ‘Penis School’. One gayer even amended his to say ‘Penis Cool’, which predictably earned him a severe beating.

Drab G

A list of rules on a nearby public Pool Area (including one about ’trespass’) was unwisely constructed with those little stick-on letters that are pleasantly easy to peel off. This allowed the creation of the line, “NO ASS IN THE POO AREA” . Sadly, a new sign was eventually put up, minus the stick-on letters.

Also nearby was a sign in front of an ice-cream shop advertising ‘Buttercream Milkshakes’. The ’er’ was stolen from that sign about four times within the space of one day before the store just got rid of it. I had to admire their persistence.

[anon]

Greengrocers used to use easily wiped off white stuff on their windows? TOMATOES could be partially redacted to TITS (the price of 50p a pound seemed reasonable, and was left alone).

If you're in a hurry, however, GRAPES - £2 can be converted in a single swipe. Although it's kind of defeating one of the key benefits if you end up paying two quid.

Ian

Kris F

[anon]

Nick F