-Enthusiastically and noisily licking a protrusion in the classroom’s plasterboard wall on the basis that it was “a clitoris”.

-Jumping in front of the deputy head in the 6th Form common room, bending down low and spreading his arse cheeks apart with his hands. Because (in Abbot's opinion) the deputy head was gay, and would appreciate it.

-Drawing a detailed picture of a naked Mrs Tomalin, with meticulous detail and colouring on her vagina. He labelled this the ‘Triangle Of Delight’ and pretended to pleasure it with his mouth like it was some kind of clitoral plasterboard wall.

-Pretending that a glue stain on the common room window was in fact his semen, which had flown out while he was masturbating. He would simulate the sound of this hot ejaculation by going “SSsssss”.

-Serenading Dytham with a song outlining his gayness.

Well, Dytham’s a homosexual
He really is so gay
He likes to get boys on the ground
And roll them in the hay
If you should hear old Dytham
Making such a din
He’ll have got some poor boy’s trousers down
And pushed his penis in

Dytham was not gay, but that's OK - it he was, this song would have been homophobic.

-Proposing to the school council that we should have a swimming pool party in the school pool. When asked to elaborate what that actually involved he said ‘we just get a mixed group of sixth formers in there and encourage intercourse’

We never had that swimming party.

Bertie C

Far from quickly tiring of this game, Ali Bugger always insisted we play it and ended up striving to make his next fall more spectacular than the last. Plans for the following launch became tactical sessions in morning lessons and analysis of failed launches in afternoon lessons. I believe the others involved are now working on the North Korea missile project.

[anon]

The rest of this entry has been removed, as it frankly couldn’t live up to this early promise.

Bruno T

Despite his confidence, Danny sprained both ankles so badly that he couldn’t actually walk for a week, and had to ask a teacher, who happened to see this crumpled, crying mess on the floor, to phone his dad for a lift home.

Michael B

It was 1972 and ‘All the Young Dudes’ was high in the charts. One of the kids had literally just got to school, and he asked if he could go to the toilet. Soon a load of them were saying that they also wanted to go, and as they headed for the door, Mark Spatchurst started singing

“All the young Jews
Having a poo.”

Brian B

Despite being a great believer in brevity, this entry is a bit short, even for me. What method was used to apply the AIDS to the toast? How did it taste? How many slices did Christopher eat? Mark your entries: ‘I have a fucking doctorate in AIDS on toast and ye shall heed me’. Ta.

[anon]

I happen to have a doctorate in AIDS on toast so I can answer some of your questions.

AIDS is frequently applied to the toast via infected spunk, although there is a second method in which the toast is rubbed against the cock to transfer AIDS. Once someone eats it they become infected with AIDS.

A normal gay diet would probably include 2-4 slices per day, although a boy at my school managed to eat 8 slices in one day.

Since I’m straight, I have no idea what AIDS on toast would taste like.

Very informative. But oh dear, that last sentence. http://www.playgroundlaw.com/cgi-bin/browse.pl?sid=386. - Matt

Peter L

Then his other eye went weird too.

Mike R

Anne fingers herself,
At home.
Anne fingers herself,
In front of the family.
She wanked off a horse,
At the farm.
Its clear,
She,
Didn’t do any harm.

Not to be confused with ‘Annie’s Song’ by John Denver. In THAT one she wanks off a pony .

[anon]

Well, the world was obviously not ready for her, as she ended up getting kicked out for attempting to spit paint at the canvas. Whether she was high or not remains a mystery.

Gareth T

Laura S

*Arsehole, arsehole, a soldier I shall be,

To piss, to piss, two pistols at my knees,

Fuck you, fuck you, for curiosity,

Fight for my cunt, fight for my cunt, fight for my counnnnn-tryyyyyy.*

Caused many a detention. I wonder why?

An alternative ending was “Fight for the Queen’s cunt, fight for the Queen’s cunt, fight for the Queen’s cunt-ree”. Some people think that this scans better and is funnier because it’s got the Queen’s cunt in it. It’s all a matter of perspective, really.

[anon]

Should the present Monarch pass away, this song will not be rendered obsolete. Simply switch your allegiance to the new head of state by changing the last two lines to:

“Fucking and cunt, Fucking and cunt, Fucking and Cunt-er-ee!”

And thus a new generation gets to savour the taste of illicit playground swears.

[anon]

In our attempts to bring you only the truest stories of playground cruelty, we searched the online phone book for Adeses. http://www.thephonebook.bt.com/publisha.content/en/search/residential/search.publisha?Surname=gay&x=0&y=0&Location=LEEDS++%7b+-%0a++++YORKSHIRE%7d&OriginalLocation=leeds&Range=xloc, it’s only a matter of time. Lucy Hannaford, our research leads us to believe you. Congratulations!

Lucy H

If the idea of launching a sharpened pencil into someone’s face and eye causes you some concern, simply launch the entire school pencil supply into a polystyrene ceiling.

If anyone asks where you got a ladylike thing such as a cotton reel, answer “I stole it off a gay”. If they ask why you are stealing things from gays, reply “to better know mine enemy”.

[anon]

This is by far the best way of disposing of unwanted aftershave gifts, even better than drinking it. It makes your breath stink, by the way, but funnily enough it makes your farts smell incredibly masculine.

Darren L

Just after he has filled his mouth with food, run past screaming " ANGRY DRAGON! " and slap him round the back of the head.

This will hopefully result in the food coming out of his nose - and when he turns to look at you, he will indeed look just like an angry dragon.

If the food doesn’t come out of his nose, you still have the chances that he might reflex-swallow and choke on it, or bite his spoon really hard. He’ll still be angry, so it’s all good.

[anon]

When inverted, it resembled a giant pie crust. It was therefore a logical step for myself and various misanthropic cohorts to carry it around the playground, trapping unsuspecting children beneath it, climbing on top and hammering on it with our fists, all the while shouting “APPLE PIE! APPLE PIE!”

This sounds way more fun than a crappy see-saw. Hats off to that local education authority - Conor

Ross G

Bully : Elaine, you scabby thighed fat bitch!

Elaine : A bit like you, really.

This is an imperfect reflection. The bully could quite logically reply:

What, just a bit like me? Do you mean I’m scabby-thighed but not fat? Or that I’m scabby-thighed AND fat, but just not as much as you? Either way, you just admitted that you are a scabby-thighed fat bitch, and I’m telling the headmaster.

Jon B

What actually happens is some idiot writes ‘Aodhna likes girls’ and ‘Johnny isn’t gay.’ Cunt.

Osiris o

• twisted ankles - and no wonder, supporting that vast bulk - nausea - both from unaccustomed physical exertion, and the body’s natural way to make room for more delicious food - stomach ache - and with that much stomach, it’s statistically certain that some of it must ache, although this is often interpreted by fat children as hunger with the cry " I can’t do volleyball, I’m hungry "

Just try not to run too fast to the coke machine once you’ve been excused.

Gareth T

[anon]

(This reminds me of Robert Newman’s nostalgic entry in the Mary Whitehouse Experience Encyclopaedia, in which a butler called Waddle was accidently summoned to his master’s bathroom with a hot water bottle, after the master farted in the bath. When the master questioned his butler, Waddle replied " I distinctly heard you say What about a water bottle, Waddle " . Christ almighty, I’m having nostalgia about other people’s nostalgia, now. I hope, one day in 2018, someone fondly recalls this paragraph. - Log)

Spooky D

cf : What a cliffhanger! This really is the standard we're aiming for here in Cockfinger's department of retarded. Do you think you've got a story as lacking in everything as this? Come on. I fucking dare you.

[anon]

However, if your friend doesn’t quite hear you saying “four quid”, a golden window opens, and you can say " arsehead fuckwit “. This is such a rare occurence, that you should celebrate by running around your victim six times, pulling an imaginary trucker’s chain, and going “HOOOONK”.

[anon]

Sean had to think of an explanation, and he had to think fast. “I’m setting fire to your jacket, sir” . Amazingly, he escaped punishment.

Joe H

stickle b

I got Lando Calrissian - result!!

Tony G

0-1 Action Men : Child is physically / mentally abused. If he has one Action Man, and it is up his arse, he may also be sexually abused, or gay. Also has headlice.

2-3 Action Men, 1 Vehicle : Child escapes the more serious symptoms of neglect, but the house is devoid of love. Divorce may be on the cards, mostly thanks to the stress caused by the financial burden of raising a child. You.

4-5 Action Men, 2+ Vehicles : Average. The child will grow up contented, and have a string of relationships with Russian spies before settling for an obedient plain girl.

6+ Action Men, All Vehicles : Clearly the parents have just died, and the foster parents want to stop him wetting the bed. Either that or the child knows how to play divorced parents off against each other.

Tony G

It was a peculiarity of Anita’s retardedness that she got upset very easily. You would only have to say “Hey, Anita!” to get her attention, then say something innocuous, like “It’s <Em>raining!* “. This would cause her to scream " It’s not! “, start crying, and run away.

When I was about seven years old, Anita would have been about fifteen. My friend and I climbed a small flight of stairs to find her standing at the top, with her handler and a teacher (who was congratulating her on how well she was behaving that morning).

I decided that this would be a very good time for her to go mong in the head, so I yelled “Hey Anita… YOU HAVE NEW SHOES ON!”

Normally she would have said “I DO NOOOOT”, cried, and run away. This time, however, she picked me up, bellowed in my face, then threw me down the stairs.

Funny folk, these mingmongs.

Hannah P

Out of pure, wretched sympathy for me, she gave me a peck on the cheek for my birthday, pausing just long enough to look for a clear patch of skin that wasn’t covered in adolesent acne.

It still hurts now.

Daniel R

all the farts were there.

Tutti Fruity done a beauty,

and they all went out for air.

Not well received by infant school teachers who like to think that young children are unaware of the air that often slides noisily and surprisingly out of their arses. Even if it does fit the brief of " tell the class a poem you have recently learned “.

Mistress B

Andy M

“Abracadabra motherfucker, now give me my potatoes!”

He later claimed that he had been calling the dinner lady “Mother Hubbard” as a term of endearment. It was a nice try.

The Boy T

One night, Adam Wright was the anonymous caller. After the tragic death of his mother, his dad was forcing him to do the housework. Wearing her frocks and perfume.

As things worsened, he was urging young Adam to pay particularly close attention to the bedroom. In order to show him some fundamentally incorrect love.

Adam was gulping and fighting back tears throughout, and so moving was the concern of Anna and the Doc, that Adam didn’t have the heart to tell them - even when his mother called him down for tea - that they’d just been fished in by a fuck-minded teenager.

The TDK D90 containing this conversation was a treasured artefact for many weeks.

[anon]

Amsterdam police never rape virgins.

Hairy Sally laughed a lot. Did I mention Hairy Sally? She’s all hairy.

[anon]

Mouse H

Jon B

Tie the outside seats to the posts, leaving only the one in the middle. This gives you loads of room in which to have your Airwolf adventure.

You, as Stringfellow Hawke, mount the middle swing, and your business associate, Dominic Santini, has to give you a push whilst you sing the Airwolf theme tune ( your theme tune) and make whoosh, neeeow, er-er-er-er-er, peeow noises.

In practice, this was ace. Written down, it sounds shit. Sorry.

Nick H

Swings made brilliant helicopters, just as climbing frames made great spaceships. Witch’s Hats also made fairly convincing UFO’s, if you ignored their rather identifiable landbound nature.

Alfonso G

Ponky P

In use; " Now remember, you are ambassadors for the school today so no loutish behaviour."

Some years later, zookeepers in Chessington would say, " Ravensbourne School For Boys? Pah! We received an important diplomatic envoy from that school, and their ambassadors covered our lions in lager. "

four foot v

Our form tutor (in a state comp, not a fancy Latin-speaking grammar school) constantly used the expression “In Loco Parentis”. As in “Right sunshine, while your mum and dad aren’t here, I’m in loco parentis so if you dick about you’ll have me to answer to.”

He was ex-army and had a tash, though, so his twattiness was a given, even without the Latin.

Susan T

Andy M

It should be said the most caring way possible, with puppy dog eyes if possible, whilst empathetically feeling her pain. Ideally, the teacher will interrupt this minor bullying with the question “Alice, what’s the matter?”

St. P

Blort S

Similarly, my friend Sam and I, for some reason, spent nearly an entire French lesson translating the theme to the Wombles.

Sous la terre, sur la terre, Womblant á libre
Les Wombles de Wimbledon Common sommes nous
Faisant bon usage des tous choses que nous trouvons
Les choses qui les flics laissent aux leurs dérrieres

Wombler of course is the French verb meaning to Womble . eg. Je Womble , tu Wombles , ils Wombleunt etc…

According to Mr. Kayes, the last line of this song actually goes on to mention the “things that the cops leave in their bottoms.” Thanks for pointing this out, Speedwolf. Have a peanut. - Ponky

[anon]

The boiled sweet was passed around a group of about nine of us, all of whom rubbed it around inside our cracks before it was carefully rewrapped. The next person that walked into the room was subsequently invited to participate in a beautifully choreographed game of ‘scrambles’.

Havoc followed and the sweet changed hands many times before the victim finally emerged triumphant, and with a bummy, shit-flavoured sweet in his mouth. He genuinely believed that we wanted that sweet - I still remember the look of pride on his face at having won.

[anon]

[anon]

A-ya-tol-lah Kho-mei-ni, Kho-mei-ni, Kho-mei-ni

A-ya-tol-lah Kho-mei-ni, Sal-man RUSH-DIE!

Chud B

Mong B

She died in her sleep the night before an exam, which was absolutely awful. Almost instantly, I was being equally consoled and ridiculed for having a dead mum.

Ponky P

Paul H

Robin T

This is “radge” in newcastle, as in “howay man y’fucking radge”, a commonly heard response to being decked for no reason, which happens a lot in newcastle. Cos everyone is pure radge.

dan u

Particularly effective if coupled with Geordie word for ‘man’, ‘gadgey’.

petrocelli

Alexander P

dan u

I heard this chilling caution too, and recall specifically that the reason for the terrible risk of death upon blowing into the vagina was that the air gets into the bloodstream .

This explanation is delivered with a sense of gravity, and a look that said ‘Ah, I knew you were going to ask me that. Most people who’ve never seen a lady’s downbelows ask that question.’

Questioning the truth of the air embolism was therfore akin to saying “I am such a big virgin that it’s gone beyond a joke. I shouldn’t be allowed.”

Rob Y

Actually, I used to repair Hysteroflators for a living (used for endoscopic surgery). If the uterus is inflated at a rate faster than 0.2 litres per minute, you run the risk of bursting it. Killing a woman in this manner, whilst possible, would involve creating an airtight seal and blowing very hard.

Pogglesnatch

More evidence that women are in constant danger of their fannies blowing up, from Hannah Peterson.

Going by the pages I found by searching for “vagina air embolus” it’s possible, but more likely soon after childbirth. A quote from http://www.midwivesonline.com/sex.htm: “It is not advisable to have penetrative sex in the days after the birth. There is a risk of air embolus - meaning that the penis can act as a piston inside the vagina and drive air into the maternal blood stream through the raw placental site. This air can travel to the major organs and can be fatal.”

I’d imagine that blowing into the vagina could maybe have a similar effect, depending on how hard and piston-like you blew through the raw, placental site.

Hannah P

I wish I’d thought of using this myth to entice boys to get their heads down there. Perhaps we could have progressed to something a little more satisfying than the girly day-after reports of how you got “fingered”.

liese c

Richard S

For us provicial (read Leicester) bumpkins, Hamleys had a similar enigmatic reputation.

Dean Sadler insisted for at least 6 months that he had an actual ride-in miniature tank purchased from this mythical wonderland. Fully functioning, he could even store caustic chemicals in empty Kinder Egg shells on a special shelf in the turret.

Every time I went round his 2 bed council house and asked to see it, it was being repaired after some spectacular crash or his dad had banned him from using it for a month and had locked it somewhere.

[anon]

Readers! Have you ever jumped on anything so that it’s eyes popped out? My brother once trod on a pregnant gerbil, and apparently her eyes AND babies popped out! Unfortunately, he couldn’t say whether the babies’ eyes popped out, too. Please! Share your stories of jumping on something so that its eyes pop out - Log

peter t

Once we found a frog, sitting on a large rock. We were all gathered around admiring the hapless amphibian when Little Fricker produced a claw hammer and smashed the luckless critter right in the back.

Symptoms of frog hammer attack : a wafer thin depression where its back once was, and all of its innards had been jettisonned from its mouth. Eyes, however, remained in their sockets.

harry d

I went fishing with my Nan and my cousin once. I caught a perch, but couldn’t get the hook out of it’s mouth. With the confidence of the seasoned fisherwoman, my Nan deftly pulled the hook out, bringing with it the eyes and jaw of the rather surprised fish.

She just said ‘shit’, took her shoe off, smashed the poor little fucker on the head and threw it back in the lake.

The journey home was quiet, and included lots of staring out of the car window.

Harry N

My friend accidentally trod on a sparrow as we were walking along the lane to school. Readers may be interested to know that sparrows go ‘crunch’ and not ‘splat’. I didn’t look at its eyes.

[anon]

Goats will happily eat tiny frogs if they are wrapped up in leaves, greek style.

If you don’t have goats around, the only other use for tiny frogs (whose anuses are too small to slip Calypso straws into) is to practice roundhouse kicks by throwing them into the air, and kicking them into a kind of dead dimension as they land.

nicotineman

My foster sister had downs syndrome, and being typically affectionate, loved the cat very, very much. So much so, that one day she gave it a gleeful squeeze and it’s bot popped out. Don’t worry, ladies, the cat lived for many years; just with a very long anus.

[anon]

“The Wheels of Death” were quite simply the most efficient killing system employed by anyone since Auschwitz.

1. Gather up as many snails as you can find. A damp school playground is an excellent place to look. A tupperware container is useful to store your molluscy trophies.

2. Find a nearby car that you know will be driven soon. If you’re doing this at school, now is an excellent time to take a trip to the teachers’ car park.

3. Place the snails all around the tyres of this car. They will conveniently stick themselves to the tyres!

4. Wait. Wait wait wait.

5. The door closes. The engine starts up. The car reverses up to pull out. The first few snails pop satisfyingly, a mere teaser.

As the car slowly drives away, listen to that rhythmic crunch.

That is the sound of death, my friends.

Name W

I used to live near an old mill pond, and occasionally perch would appear, dead in the reedy edges.

Commenting that one of these perch - with its slack, gaping mouth and beady eyes - looked like my friend’s mother, I leant in to note the similarities further.

Just as my friend, enraged at this scaled clone’s likeness, jumped on it, launching a mixture of shoe dirt and perch guts into my mouth.

So, I can verify that this is what happens when someone jumps on a dead perch. If you are looking into its mouth.

adam s

Take one of everything with a picture of a skull or some fire on it out of the kitchen, and/or shed. Mix. Put mixture in one of those garden spray containers for misting plants. Spray directly onto spider’s webs then poke the middle to make them come scurrying out. Light.

That’ll teach the little fuckers for having eight legs and being creepy.

Gotty G

Baby frogs strike amusing limbs-at-full-stretch “Kate Bush” poses when they jump from ones hand and land delicately into a fresh cup of tea.

[anon]

My Dad, who being a keen gardener hated slugs, taught me that the best way to kill them was by pouring salt on them. Naturally, I passed this information on to my classmates, and the resultant carnage was worse than the daddy-long-legs genocide which had occurred a few months previously.

Dad, however, quickly tired of wasting good salt on mere molluscs, and was keenly researching new ways of making slugs die. One morning he proudly showed me how far he had managed to shoot a slug’s innards after stamping on one end of it. They’d gone at least a foot.

That day at school, there wasn’t an unstamped slug in sight.

Stuart

I wonder if, in The Olden Days, it worked with TB or Polio?

spadge m

Also amusingly stands for Arse Injected Death Sentence . Combined with Gay standing for Got AIDS Yet? , I’m surprised the term GAIDSY was never embraced by the homosexual community like “queer” and “faggot” have been.

Jon B

That’s coz Gaidsy sounds like an effeminate gang member on Grange Hill, Log. The one who’d be first to dress as the Spice Girls for charity week.

Susan T

AIDS can also stand for….

“Adios, Infected Dick Sucker!” Chuck in a Speedy Gonzales impersonation and you’re away.

[anon]

It’s the acronym that keeps on giving:

Arse Infected - Don’t Screw.

Mark H

Lois Alderson was convinced that it was possible to catch AIDS by eating a sandwich that had been stored in a cracked tupperware lunchbox.

[anon]

After a “personal development” lesson on the dangers of HIV the following joke enjoyed a brief surge in popularity:

Child 1: Do you know what AIDS stands for?

Child 2: Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome

Child 1: Are you positive?

Child 2: Yeah

Child 1: Hurrrrr, you’re HIV positive. You’ve got AIDS. Hahahahaha. AIDS boy. Bet you got it from shagging your mum. Hahahahaha.

Craig

Sarcaustic

(Sent in by RL M, judged by Susan.)

Susan T

katrina b

I think you’ll find that french ducks say ‘quang.’

On a lighter note, french dogs say ‘waf waf’. They don’t say the phonetically similar ‘wife wife’, although it would be folly to imagine that a dog would be able to make such a distinction.

Davy

Kiki (dog) and Miquet (cat) in the ‘French for Today’ books appeared to say nothing but ‘Zut’ when they failed to catch each other, or mice, or when they fell off a chair.

Ginger S

More things that French animals can’t get right…

Cats go “miaou”, which is fair enough, but dogs go “ouaf ouaf”, ducks go “coin coin”, and french owls say ‘hibboo hibboo’. Not only that - in the Bibliobus books French emergency vehicles went “pin pon pin pon…”

The French are all on some kind of crazy drugs.

squek b

The older of us remember that aiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee! is actually the noise made in the ace Commando books by the evil scheming Germans as they got utterly shot by the square-jawed Brits. The only other words the Germans uttered were ‘Actung Spitfeur’, ‘Hande Hoche’, ‘Englander Schwein’ and ‘Gott in Himmel’.

That Germans made such a vowel-heavy nasal whine in their death throes made them big wet pansies. A stout Englishman dying in the field would bellow “WHOOAARGGGHH”. In days of heavier casualties, it was like being trapped in the Brian Blessed dimension.

(Further discussion http://www.disappointment.com/randomacts/acts_comicdeath.htm. Good grief. - Log)

[anon]

Kiki and Miquet would also politely exclaim ‘Au secours! Un voleur!’ when Madame Bertillon’s purse was snatched.

Stupid bitch should have seen it coming. The stripy jumper and swag bag said it all.

[anon]

The W

Sorry to crash your entry darlin’, but even us mighty editors can’t submit new stories while the backlog remains so big. (It’s my only motivation for wading through most of the fliddy tat we get sent, I can tell you.) (Just joshing, Log thinks it’ll sex up the site a bit if I’m all stern and authoritative. Fucking perv.) Anyway, our school consisted of about two hundred white kids and one black girl. The teachers were afraid to ask her what sort of “black” she was, in case they looked racist, so to play it safe they got us to learn about all the other religions in the world that weren’t Anglo-Saxon, the better to acclimatise her to our culture. This culminated in an RE lesson where we were told to split up and write a song about one religion per group. Our group came up with the wildly popular “S.I.K.H”. Sung to the tune of YMCA, it went:

S.I.K.H, it’s fun to be an S.I.K.H/

You can worship five Ks/

Wear a turban on your head/

If you don’t want to do that, be a Jew instead, S.I.K.H…

If memory serves correct I played the letter H. -Susan.

Susan T

The letter ‘H’? Were you a popular girl?

[anon]

Must also be accompanied by a child choir, so the song will go thus:

“I closed my eyes (I closed my eyes)

Walked into a table (Aaah aah)

Now I’m disabled (ah aah)”

The song tended to end there.

Kat B

#I closed my eyes, drew back my foreskin

To see for certain, what I though I knew.

There was a yeast, and the skin was breaking

My bell-end’s aching, any cream will do.#

Dave H

However, it takes the balls four seconds to switch from " spunk and fuck " mode to " Christ, that hurts " mode. So genuine testicle pain begins some time after the strike, leaving the poor man precious seconds of hope before the nausea, agony and red piss starts.

So, why the immediate awwwww!? Two possible reasons – it’s either a desolate wail of the man who foresees his immediate future, and sees that it is bad. Or, they’re filthy eunuchs who’ve never known the true agony of the thwacked nut.

Girls! Think you have an equivalent pain to the white thud of the smashed bollock? Speaking on behalf of the boys, I don’t think so. Convince me otherwise for a prize!

Jon B

Ok, I know a lad being kicked in the gonads can be really painful… but girls go through so much more then that, I mean if we get kicked there it hurts so much more. Plus causes unfixable damage… don’t even get me started on childbirth! (having proved her point, walks off into the sunset).

A counterpoint from a female reader, there. I think the only way we’re going to get to the bottom of this one is by having a hermaphrodite write in and let us know which set of genitals hurts more when twanged. WE MUST KNOW!

Purplething e

Utter rubbish. Ask any guy here to choose between getting his nuts dented and losing an arm, and I guarantee that we will all be asking people to open our crisps for us for evermore. Women volunteer for childbirth. Pop your ovaries on a anvil and I’ll stamp on ’em, and you will STILL have no concept of how much it hurts to cop one in the sack.

Lee C

Our new resident hermaphrodite, Lee Colclough! Give him/her a round of applause!

Susan T

My girlfriend, who is both a woman and a medical student, has informed me that it is a documented medical fact that an ovary can, in theory, be as sensitive as a testicle when squeezed.

However she has also informed me that the only way in which an ovary can be directly squeezed in such a way is during a thorough rectal exam. In other words it’s necessary that the squeezer has one or a number of fingers very far up the arse of the woman.

However, I am sure enough that my girlfriend’s spirit of scientific enquiry would stop well before allowing me to test this theory that I’m not going to risk asking.

Jimbob

(No doubt the girls are playing fucking “Starbucks”, or “God bothering ignorant warmongers stuffing their fat fucking faces.” –Susan, who likes most Americans in real life.)

Chris M

At the age of around ten my brother and I used a borrowed video camera to make the stultifyingly boring feature-length plot vacuum called The Gun , voiced entirely in American accents. Except for the ‘school bully’ character, who was a sort of mockney, and wore a waistcoat and bermuda shorts. If he’d had an American accent, it would have just been stupid .

[anon]

Matt F

[anon]

Our foul German teacher was in the habit of leaving her dogs in her Volvo estate in the playground car park for protracted periods. No-one was surprised when one of them finally succumbed on a particularly humid summer’s day.

The following day she had organised some role-playing GCSE scenarios, one of which involved being in a cafe and ordering food.

So it was perfectly legitimate for the resident classhole to declare: “Ich mochte ein Hot Dog” …

Phil J

John C

(I’d imagine it comes from an advertising slogan, Condor being a kind of rolling tobacco. Made of egg and cabbage presumably.)

spadge m

Adverts for ‘Condor’ tobacco featured men flying aeroplanes, being chased by maneating lions, dangling off a cliff by their fingernails, etc, who would be presented with a Condor-filled pipe, whereupon they’d inexplicably lose interest in anything but smoking, and die horribly, muttering ‘Ah, Condor’ as they plunged to their doom.

Well, you asked.

Demonic G

Phil D

For passive partners in gay relationships who wish to avoid being made gay by the experience of constant passive sex, you can avoid being gay by not pushing yourself back onto the penis . Also try not to make too many enjoying-it noises.

[anon]

Speaking of denial, one ex-friend stunned me - not by casually admitting to having experimented with homosexuality at school - but justifying it to himself by claiming that everyone had. Everyone.

And anyone claiming not to have copped a dong in the gob is therefore more gay than those who did, because they are in denial. Perhaps he was chatting me up.

Jimbo B

Sadly, their one weak spot, the chink in their armour, was the insertion of a digestive biscuit into the disc drive by a younger brother.

Theo

Amiga was a great games console, marred only by the pointless inclusion of a keyboard. “Amiga” means girlfriend in spanish, which is the closest most Amiga owners got. Many veteran Amiga owners were so embittered by the experience that it led to blatant trolling of nostalgia sites even to this day.

Steve C

(Editor’s note : Avoid the chapters which go into an in-depth appraisal of the careers of Whitney Houston and Genesis. They will generally not shock.)

Jon B

My friends and I sneaked a look into his rucksack one lunchtime and found the bottle of ‘Lucozade’ from which he constantly sipped. Smelt kinda like vodka…

I used to amuse myself by never looking at him directly when he spoke to me, but instead focusing on a spot to the left and behind his head. Watching the poor drunk try to work out what was going on was quite funny really.

I helped get the shit suspended, and he had to go into rehab. Came out, took up drugs, went back to teaching at the same school.

Cam C

[anon]

We saw this video in rural Somerset and there was a rumour that there was an urban version which took place on a building site. We asked the teacher if he could get hold of it, but I don’t think he wanted to encourage us.

Apaches ended with a scene where the last kid to die attended his own funeral in spirit form. The added to the fear of the farmyard the less tangible, but more nightmare inducing, fear of a strange and infinite afterlife where you specifically haunted the dung stinking back stairs of your family farmhouse intoning ‘I wish I was there, oh yes, I wish I was there’ like a phantom from Scooby Doo.

[anon]

I have seen the Building site version mentioned above. Can’t remember much about it apart from a shoe with a bit of foot in it. Scary.

Jim B

Take a look http://www.bris.ac.uk/Depts/Safety/films.htm if you want to get hold of this and other scary-sounding safety information films.

Why not get the family round to watch the vaguely-titled “I think I need to use an isotope?” Or baffle at the rather gay “Don’t tell the lads” and “Mind your back!”

[anon]

We were shown the building site version of this film at our primary school. A small boy ran onto a building site after his dog, and was killed in several gory ways. He was being watched by a couple of speccy kids in a spaceship, who would bring him back to life after each death. Of particular note is his death after being run over by a truck; “time is money to these machines” declares the narrator, implying that it isn’t that they won’t see you - they just won’t care .

I was scarred for life by this bastard film.

Siobhan M

Diving B

Nick H

Scott A

Joe W

[anon]

Ah yes. I’ve heard this one, and I’m across the bloody ocean. I think it meant that one dad buggered the other, and the other buggered the wall, which then became pregnant. Variations included two dads, a water buffalo, and a hole in the wall. The hole was also replaceable with an electric socket.

[anon]

I’m more inclined to think that this is a reference to the gay phenomenon of glory holes, where gay man stick their willies through holes in toilet walls and another man hops on in whatever fashion he fancies. Sometimes there are drawings around glory holes that make it look like your willy is an anteater’s nose. This isn’t very erotic for the man who is sucking it off, so he might put his bum on it instead.

This is how I understand glory holes, by Log.

Jon B

Phil G

The school’s entire collection of colour plates from old National Geographic magazines was decimated in a single term when we discovered they made superb paper aeroplanes, especially when they have cocktail sticks wedged into the nose.

gordon r

Our school had pull-back partition walls separating some rooms. When we were upstairs in French, we used to throw planes down at a class diagonally below us. Their teacher usually went bananas at us but one day as a plane was slowly wafting down towards her, she looked up sharply and her left breast fell out of her dress. She didn’t notice. Her entire class did. She ended up having a nervous breakdown.

[anon]

Even better, if you blue tack one of those plastic craft knives into the fold down the centre of the aeroplane, so that the blade protrudes from the front of the aircraft, it becomes a highly accurate and lethal weapon of terror that will easily lodge into walls, blackboards, flesh etc.

Please don’t try this at home, school or anywhere else.

(Unless you think it would be really funny, of course -Susan.)

[anon]

Mr Anstey - mild-mannered R.E. teacher faced an up-hill struggle every week. Nobody really cared about “what kind of lentils Muslins had for breakfast”. What they were interested in was having the man endure squadrons of paper planes pelting his back, while he chalked up The Ten Commandments.

Mr Anstey: “Right. Pieces of paper are now 10p each!”

Class clown, after throwing a £1 coin at teacher and strolling up to grab a pile of paper: “OK. I’ll take ten.”

You see, on God & stuff he was mustard. Forecasting current trends in market forces, though - rubbish.

Leigh H

[anon]

The concept of an arse-kicking party thus established, the cry of “arse kicking party” was made as a announcement of - and justification for - an assault on Matthew Moore.

Julian B

Doc

Post-university, I bumped into him in London whilst very drunk. He was very friendly and his voice had deepened to Barry White proportions, but that didn’t stop my mate Angus calling his mobile later that evening and screaming “AFLIIID!” like some rabid member of S-Express.

Phil G

Is Sillitoe pronounced ‘silly toe’, I wonder?

[anon]

It *is* pronounced “silly toe”, which we exploited in the pre-aflid days by use of the nicknames “sensible finger” and “funny foot”.

Phil G

The IRA and SAS can sleep easy in their beds - our rebellion stretched as far as making small badges with a picture of a beard drawn on with the wobbly green letters ‘AGLA’ underneath. These were then worn under the lapels of our blazers.

Our one tactical strike was putting the clock forward 10 minutes in lessons so we could get out early. Plot was foiled when Gregory, er, looked at his watch. No members of the AGLA ever went on to serve in the Gulf War.

Iain M

Say yes, and you’ve confessed to being an African Bum Cleaner. Say no, and you’ve just denied that you are A Brilliant Child

This doesn’t exactly work if you’re going to be a dick about grammar. And it is, to be fair, only really funny if they say “yes”, because that’s the only way you get to say " oh Jesus you’re an African Bum Cleaner, this is most irregular “.

Ben A

Also to add to your “abc” definition, it was used to denote the exchange of an “already been chewed” piece of gum from one kid to another.

Mike

a b c

1 2 3

Now I get

To punch thee

Prelude to punching someone in the chest, or the face if you like. Can be prevented by getting a punch in first - like most things, really.

rob h

The victimisation of Carlisle’s Ben Hodgson reached a peak when the “Anti Ben Campaigners” formed. Not just your average group of Ben-hating teenagers, we had a string of successful singles, the best-remembered being “Ben is a Bummer”.

Our group was forced to retire after one of our cassettes was passed about on a school trip, and a teacher listened to it.

Apparently, a group of boys dedicating every spare hour to writing songs about Ben bumming things was not only bullying, but it said more about us than it did about Ben .

[anon]

In the 1980s, Northampton Borough Council workers drove around in yellow vans with ‘NBC’ on the side. We would therefore taunt the school fleabags by chanting “your dad works for Northampton Bum Cleaners”.

Twenty years later, I now make a living cleaning bums in a Northampton old peoples home. The irony is sickening.

Mark

Now, Hillmorton being the PC, progressive school that it is, we had a special unit on the school grounds for students that were severely physically and mentally handicapped. After the initial shock of having “them” in the school, people soon learned to capitalise on the humour element, as they had the habit of making loud mongoloid noises in school assemblies. Quite amusing.

Anyway, it was decided that, to be fair and equal, these students would have their own race… a wheelchair race, where able-bodied students would push the handicapped students along the track in front of the school. That was fine… everyone was sitting round going “isn’t it good that they can take part, please have some of my fine sponge cake”. And thus far, we had satisfied ourselves with laughing at one of the helpers pushing a wheelchair, who was hugely fat. However, we were to be treated to something deeply more.

To the absolute shocked amazement of everyone watching, one of the wheelchairs ran into a stone on the track. The wheel jammed and came to a sudden stop. The confused helper kept pushing, however, which lent an extra momentum to the handicapped girl, who was now sailing through the air.

She landed face first onto the hard track… and because she was so handicapped, she could do NOTHING to break her fall. This was the source of extreme tragedy, and consequently, humour. It all seemed to happen in slow motion… we saw her fly out of her chair, and do a graceful arc in mid-air and then slam heavily down onto the ground. There was a collective inward gasp amongst the crowd, and a rather shocked silence.

Then, to the disgust of the teachers who worked with the handicapped teens and who were now rushing in horror to the girl’s side, the faint murmurs of laughter could be heard tittering round the place. With hindsight, something like this HAD to happen… and in a really unpleasant way, I’m glad it did.

Ian H

This is a comment on the entry by ian henderson. i think you should take it off your site. it is not funny, but offensive, sneering and discriminatory.

Thank you.

Sorry, no. Hugs and kisses, from Log.

Jon B

Imagine this story being submitted again, only replacing every reference to disabled people with a reference to “pakis”. Still funny? Still inoffensive? Bet you wouldn’t post it, because taking the piss out of some minorities, like ethnic groups, is not on, whereas taking the piss out of others, disabled people, is still fair game.

Besides, this is basically a story about somebody falling out of a wheelchair, which is hardly Oscar Wilde, is it? And, since 1978, only cunts use the word “mongoloid”. It displays a basic lack of education or intellect.

[anon]

Uh…as far as I know, “Pakis”, (in either the crap 70’s sense of anyone with brown skin, or indeed the US/Australian sense, which is merely an abbreviation for someone from Pakistan, with no racial slur to it at all (talk to an Australian about cricket to hear this first hand “we thrashed the Pakis” etc.)) aren’t prone to falling out of wheelchairs. Unless they are disabled in that way themselves, of course.

No one is asking you to find this story funny. It merely reports an incident. Not only does your argument about “pakis” make no sense, but your attempt to take the moral high ground by pointing out (like, wow) the word mongoloid could be considered offensive was utterly negated by your use of the word “cunt.” There is a large group of people who would consider that to be misogynist in the extreme. You big hairy twat.

Susan T

<I> Here follows a counterpoint to the complaints we have received regarding this submission. Obviously, this person is not a spokesperson for the entire disabled community, and as this is the internet, we don’t know if they even “really are” a disabled (there may be a give-away in the use of the phrase “step down from my soapbox”*) but they do make an interesting point.

*Oh what a shit joke. Sorry. Um, I only put it in to “test” you. Please don’t run over my hands with your wheelchair, if you are one of the wheelchair ones. Xx*

Excellent story Ian. As a disabled person nothing angers me more than do-gooders moaning about stories like these. It’s hangovers like them that make decisions like having children in wheelchairs pushed at speed on running tracks.

If something is funny and it happened, that’s life, live with it, it’s the PC society that has been created today by moaning, do-gooder muppets that makes living in the UK today like living in a totalitarian state. Shut your faces and let people live their lives and laugh, life’s too f*****g short.

I now step down from my soapbox.

[anon]

Admin says: And the last word goes to A Ha!. No further commentary on this one, please. It’s a good story, and if you don’t love it, please take yourself to a ditch and get punch-fucked by a Furby - Log.

As the partner of a wheelchair user, both of us with fine senses of dark humour, I read this out to him as tears of laughter streamed down both our faces. To say that this story isn’t funny, is ridiculous. The world has gone PC mad and it is blooming annoying that people feel they have to be upset on the behalf of others. Get a life! If people are upset for the right reasons, they should be the ones who are upset and complaining.

Suggestion for the Olympic Committee - can we make this race into a new sprint/long jump hybrid? Race the fliddy at a ramp with a stopper as fast as you can to get a great result?

I shall now push my partner from the soap box and climb down to pick him up again. :oP

[anon]

So, I was walking down the road when the fucking funniest thing ever happened: A Teenage girl got stabbed in the face! She fell over bleeding, quite alot, probably to death. I almost pissed myself. What made it funnier was that this girl was a paki! Aaah, Good Times!

Thanks for that Scarlett! Not strictly a playground anecdote, but we do strive to represent the full spectrum of reader opinion.

Scarlett H

Ben

With the assistance of a friend, this can also be the punchline to a joke on a third party. Go up to X and tell him to ask Y (your mate) if his dad is still scoring goals for England. Y then responds in the manner suggested. “You bastard, my dad’s lost his legs in the war” is a suggested alternative.

Warning : This will only work on children who give a shit . Truly obnoxious children will reply “Good”, leaving you with little recourse but to weakly say “Well he isn’t anyway, so there”.

Peter P

Karen asked Adam, innocently enough: “Have you had your hair cut?”

“No” said Adam, “I’ve got leukemia”

Co-incidentally, so had Karen’s brother.

I think she’d just about stopped crying by about lunchtime.

Andy M

Mr Pascoe was (and i think is) a chemistry teacher, and the kind of teacher who was such a natural victim that it made you wonder why on earth he decided to enter the teaching profession. He was known as “Spaz-coe”. This was made more pertinent and wrong by the fact one of his children had cerebral palsy.

Tom D

all day I dream about sex

after dinner I do a shit

a dirty indian did a shit

arse dicking is dangerous after supper

For double deedas, try;

a dirty indian did a shit and did it down a sewer

Jon B

after dinner I did a shit,

(then backwards)

soon after desert I did another

[anon]

A dick is dirty after sex

Bdave

all day I deserve a sexual (rubbing) - this version addresses the underused (R) registered trademark symbol.

[anon]

a durex is disposable after sex

Sam

A Dildo Inserted Deeply Adds Stimulation. I was very proud of that one.

[anon]

Using tippex and black pen:

Adidas= bad ass

Coooooool city, until you say it out loud and it becomes “bad arse.” Not quite as sexy.

griff

Then you can do it backwards, and in your dad’s apartment…

sex all day in dad’s apartment

[anon]

after diarrhoea I detest anal sex… whether as giver or receiver is left to the imagination.

[anon]

it’s the acronym that keeps on giving:

all day I drink animal spunk

[anon]

Adrian L

Similarly, Sam Bruce can be amended to “bum scare”. Also, my middle name is Alan. I’d like to encourage other readers with names amenable to anagrammatic bumfoolery to post; perhaps we could start a support group?

Sam B

Ah, well my name is Nick Hunt, which, whilst not forming any anally related anagrams, does provide endless hours of entertainment. Prick Cunt, Dick Cunt, Nick Cunt, Cunt Cunt, you name it, I’ll have heard them all. All of them. Every. Single. One.

(You missed “Lick Cunt.” Susan xx)

Susan T

Even teachers found it hard not to smirk at Richard Michael “Dick Mike” Hunt.

Dennis M

Well with mine being Richard William Lowe - Dick Willie Lowe :-(

[anon]

Well, if I must. A few years ago a friend gave out christmas cards with anagrams of everyones names on. The bastich managed to turn Martin Appleton into “Rotten Anal Pimp”, for which I am most ungrateful.

Martin A

Also consistently staggering is the inappropriate naming of a child as Richard with certain surnames. Hare, Spray, Spring, Lovatt are just four of the ones I know, and that’s not even counting the hilarious Jasper Carrott “Richard Dick aka Double Dick” routine. Yes, I know it’s old stuff, but if it’s good enough for King Carrott, it’s good enough for The Law of the Fucking Playground.

[anon]

My name’s an anagram of “an anal elephant deity”, but no-one at school was very interested. They preferred punching my face to engaging in amusing word play.

Nathaniel T

My friend’s name was Clint Walker. You’ve probably already guessed, but with a couple of quick pen strokes, you have Cunt Wanker.

Every school year was a dash to steal his books from his bag, administer these pen strokes, then politely return the books.

[anon]

My name is Tony Lord. I’m gay. Help.

If they ever develop a way to determine sexuality in the womb, I’m not suggesting that everyone should have the option to terminate their bent baby, just people with the surname Lord. It’s not fair on the child.
Oh, and Norton - although that might be locking the stable door after the horse has bolted.

Jon B

M’lud, the prosecution presents Jenna Taylor.

She sounds suspiciously more like a friend of Betty Swollocks than an actual living, breathing human being, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, counsellor.

Tim E

Alan West is an easy anagram of Anal Stew, if you’re lucky enough to know an Alan West.

[anon]

We had a kid called Richard Sitch. One HILARIOUS prank, that continued right up until leaving for college, was to ring him up in the early hours of the morning and ask “R. Sitch?” then reply to whomever answered “Well scratch it then!”

Nick P

I used to know a Mr. Haw who had named his son Nicholas; knickerless whore.

Adam F

The unfortunately monikered Richard Fromaggio who was universely regaled with the title : “Dick Cheese”

Pob M

Anne Kerr.

The defacement is obvious, and was swiftly applied every single time she wrote her name

anywhere.

kristkopher w

A lad in my Geography class was called “Guy Brewin”… once when he really annoyed both me and a few friends, the name on his book was swiftly changed to “Gay's Brewin A Fart”

cf : I knew this guy once who was called “Jezz Gobbler”. Whenever he left the room we would all form a massive conga line singing songs of his heroic deeds. It's only now I realise his name sounds like someone gulping down spunk. Missed a fucking trick there, thinking about it.

[anon]

A boy at my school was called Paul Hiscock.

Now why would his mum and dad do that? I cannot believe for one minute thay didn't try the two names together at some point before the Christening and go “oh, better not”, which means it must have been deliberate . That's nothing short of child abuse in my book.

matt : Could have been worse. They could have called him 'Aaron'.

[anon]

You like football. Your surname is Kirwan. Ok ’til you score a goal and people start chanting it.

andy k

I knew a lad with a Japanese mum and an English dad. His mum had insisted on giving him a traditional Japanese first name - Ken. His dad’s surname was Barlow. I think he’d have had a less miserable time of it at school if he’d been called Chris P. Wanksock.

Uncle S

At my brother’s school, there was a boy from Singapore called Wee An Yew (the “An” is pronounced “on”).

Curiously, no systematic persecution ever took place. Perhaps the name was widely interpreted as a threat.

simon m

At my school, there was a chap called Ima Cuntrash.

mansh : FOR FUCKSAKE: NO THERE WASN'T.

Captain C

This wasn't at school - but at work, I can search for members of my company all over the UK. One otherwise useless afternoon I found the member of our Glasgow branch called, wait for it, William Bellend. I can prove it, too.

[img]

log : No need! Just had a quick look myself. Turns out he's moved from Glasgow to Rhyl, where he resides in a half-way house for people with fucking ridiculous names.

Ed M

Mr and Mrs Cornell made a crucial decision on the steps of Wembley Register Office. As it was about to close, they decided that Kaye would be an adequate substitution for Faye. Having realised on the bus that ‘Faye Cornell’ may have been what they said when informed of her imminent existence but that didn’t mean it had to be her name for life.

Kaye C

Mark E

Peter G

Elderly or disabled relative? In a wheelchair? Can you beg/borrow/steal it? Hours of fun can be had sitting in the wheelchair at the side of the road, enthusiastically twitching and waving in the hope of getting friendly beeps from passing vehicles. Bring along a friend or two, and take turns in the chair to see who can collect the most. Extra points are awarded if, in the process of performing for the passing motorists, you manage to lose your shoe.

wil m

Simon R

Tombelding

Steve M

Jon B

I actually saw this film once, and the thing is, the strange white haired old guy in the film does actually try to insert himself into a chicken, but it doesn’t work and he goes and shags a cow instead.

The bit with the eels was the most informative.

Harry N

Supposedly owned by my best friend’s brother and shown at the big-kid parties. The same big kid parties at which the slutty girls got frozen hot dogs lodged in special places.

Glad to know I’m not the only one who’s been searching the local rental racks in vain.

Misty N

Suzy

Jon B

Ben A

In my school ’the apparatus’ consisted of a pull-out set of bars, beams and rings that folded flat to the wall of the hall. Towards the end of term, as a treat we would be instructed to ‘get the apparatus out’. The length of time it took to assemble meant that only a few minutes of play were possible.

hongdo g

Dan

Slim J

Les

Another version is the famous “why don’t YOU come up and teach?”, directed at the chattering kid. also there was the “Would you like to share that with the rest of the class?”

The only response was the mumbled “mmm no miss sorry miss mmmmmm” unless you took the opportunity to say something rude, like, “we were talking about sex.”

Ker-lassic.

[anon]

…was the favourite witicism of damaged child-hater Mr MacDowall.

I am, in fact, a comedian now, but I feel that going through the Poole/Bournemouth phone book looking up all the T Macdowalls and shouting “Ha! Yes I am actually " would say more about me than him.

Just broadcast it on the internet then, love. There’s a pet. - Jamie.

Cherry G

Al M

Robert

Jon B

Jon B

When not in earshot of a teacher, “arrrrrrrrr”, or it’s regional variation “aaaaaaaahhhhhh” is followed by “I’m getting you duuuuun!” and ostentatious teacher-hunting gestures.

Getting “done” was my mortal fear for most of primary school.

Peter M

“Am.” A Lincolnshire variation on ‘arrrrrrrr’ and ‘ummmmmmmm.’

Bobs M

Errrrmmmmmmmmmmmmm or errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr being the midlands variation as far as i know. Can also be repeated many times quickly (and prolonging the ’erm’ for different lengths of time to emphasise, in a kind of spastic morse code, exactly how naughty the other child has been) so you tend to get something like ermermerrrrmermermermmmmmmmmmmm. In cases of extreme wrongdoing, you might need more than one lungful – in this case, ask a friend to take the baton towards the end of your ermemreermermm, while you pause for air. In this way, a perpetual emememeeemrremrmmer may be maintained without any real effort.

Louise J

The north eastern version of this was “eeeeeeh”.

During playtime at infant school, a girl said this to Crazy Shaun, who promptly punched her in the face and fled the school grounds - we never did find out what he’d been doing to prompt the “eeeeeeh” – it probably wasn’t as serious as punching a girl in the face then going AWOL.

dan u

There is also the " Just You Wait Cha Cha Cha “, which goes;

Just you wait, cha-cha-cha.

Just you wait, cha-cha-cha.

Just you wait, cha-cha-cha.

.

Repeat to tears.

Pob M

Eeeesh! is the newcastle variation, not to be confused with errrrr! - a cry of disgust.

Joe F

[anon]

‘Yeah, well you’re ugly and your mum dresses you funny’ was a popular retort to the pronoucement that your dad is gay. The small yet significant flaw is that it does not of course deny that your dad is a homosexualist, but in fact almost seems to confirm it.

[anon]

Jon B

Nah, but you soon fuckin’ will be was the retort, followed by the kthudkthudkthud noise that only a pupil cartwheeling down the flag stone stairs can make.

Happy days indeed.

[anon]