Scott D

My mate’s older brother claimed he’d seen a proper scientific programme where they PROVED that a sneeze is the second most pleasurable body experience next to an orgasm.

Rubbish. Poo’s are much more pleasurable, and last longer too.

[anon]

A 1984 experiment to test the efficacy of the claim yielded conclusive proof that it is indeed true. As Sam set about repeatedly hitting precocious upstart Andrew between the eyes, Andrew replied in his excruciating matter-of-fact way “No, no Sam. You’ve got to hit me much harder than that.”

The inevitable ensued.

[anon]

One day, however, I changed my combination and neglected to tell him. The first period after lunch, he stormed up to my desk with his face wet with tears. Slamming his fists down, he screeched “Thanks a fucking lot, Green, I had to shit myself today”.

My astonished response was never heard, as it was drowned out by the laughter of some 20 other pupils. A cautionary tale for anyone willing to take responsibility for the toilet habits of others.

Tony G

It’s a fantastic time to be alive when someone gets the piss taken for having a bigger dick than yourself.

Pogglesnatch

Now, let's rewind and see each of those elements in action.

1. “Shhhhhh” (Extended middle finger held over the lips)

2. “Don't cry…” (Classic 'V' gesture, with each finger running slowly from just below the eyes to about halfway down the cheeks)

3. “Have a milkshake” (Traditional limp-wristed fist shaking 'wanker' gesture)

Matt S

Missing with the coin and hitting an already bleeding knuckle didn’t help you to win, but it did hurt your opponent more.

Luke T

Gil S

Playgroundlaw Warning: Readers are asked to note that the following outburst has fuck all to do with the schoolyard and is not endorsed by the team as whimsical nostalgia. Still, he’s got a point.

A ‘5x5’ refers to the 5th tyre on a 4x4. Not the one suspended asymetrically on the back of the gas-guzzling behemoth. I’m speaking of the spare tyre around the midriff of the halfwit imbeciles driving 50 yards to drop their smug offspring off at the local school, then triple-parking so they can ‘chat’ about all the really important stuff in life (as dictated by ‘Heat’ magazine) before chugging en-masse to the local supermarket where they SLOWLY proceed to fill their shopping baskets with fat and sugar laden treats and alcohol to drown out the voices in their tiny minds telling them to kill themselves.

Xavier K

Charlie W

One morning the window of the bus actually broke and showered me with safety glass. (I wasn’t cool enough to be sat at the back).

Having decided that that was embarassment enough and not being injured in any way (it being safety glass), I said nothing until one of the other boys announced it to the form in registration.

So, I was carted off to be “looked after”, as though I was some frail thing suffering from the trauma of being showered in something safe. The coup de grace, however, was being sent back to my form with a nice cup of sugary tea.

" It must have been serious, she’s got a nice cup of tea. "

Sarah F

“Have you got seven minutes before Maths?”

[anon]

Also the amount of time required to shag Jenny Evans ‘round the back of the sportshall after school.

[anon]

Sorry to be a real fucking nerd, sorry, guru, but in actual fact that’s still only half the story. A true professional will minimise the time at the keyboard to avoid detection, and contract the code onto one line, with a colon.

Additionally, there should be a space at the end of the quote, otherwise you end up with “fuck offfuck offfuck..”, which, while undeniably rude, is also somewhat nonsensical.

If you are a true genius, you’ll know that the screen is 80 characters across, so " fuck off " (being 10 characters) arranges into neat columns, just like “fuck off” did.

Debate rages as to the virtue of neat columnisation; it does appear to freeze the screen when you run out of space, but the irregular thrashing about of a nine-wide string is a more eye-catching blur as it scrolls by, only becoming legible once the teacher strikes the required control-break key combination. Sort of like an insult time-bomb.

Wicked.

My refined type-and-run stunt would be:

10 PRINT “FUCK OFF “; : GOTO 10

RUN

Modern pupils please note, this doesn’t work from a DOS prompt.

Although you could put the following on the end of AUTOEXEC.BAT:

@echo off

:1

echo FUCK OFF

goto 1

[anon]

Oh, please. Amateurs. You want *real* nerdy?

Before entering the program, you’d type:

*FX13,6

and

*KEY 10 “OLD |M RUN |M”

This would ensure that the ‘Escape’ key was disabled, and that upon pressing ‘Break’, the program would be restored, and run once again. This would render the program invincible!!

Well, until someone used Ctrl-Break, or turned the machine off. The thought was there.

Jon T

My version of this solved the columns problem, keeping it eyecatching in a different way

*FX 13,6

*KEY 10 O.|MRUN|M

10 MODE 2

20 COLOUR RND(7)+1

30 PRINT “FUCK OFF “;

40 GOTO 20

And other variations thereof. Including bringing in a copy of Superior Software’s Speech program and adding 35 IF RND(10) = 1 THEN *SAY FUCK OFF

No-wonder I was always beaten up for being a geek.

Lum

Could also be used in various electrical chain stores (at least in the days before password protected screen savers), where the kids knew more about the computers than the assistants; i.e., all of them.

[anon]

All I ever discovered was that “2B: REGISTER” had the same number of characters as “GAMMON FLAPS”. Equipped with this knowledge and the BBC Micro’s trusty *BREAK* key, we wreaked havoc on our teacher’s proudest new program, which he unveiled in front of the entire class. I was grassed up within twenty seconds.

[anon]

In the event that you had a clueless teacher and a strict programming deadline to meet, consider this program;

10 REM This is our program

20 REM The rest of it is hidden

30 REM unless you have the password

40 REM ———–

We convinced our teacher that we had infact written things into the program which stopped “LIST” working.

After a week of trying to get around this, our teacher had completely forgotten about the original program, and came back to us saying that he’d given us top marks for amazingness .

Kung F

At 100m, the idea was to simply sprint the whole distance. For some this proved to be a matter of bounding heroically - for others of heavier gait, some ethereal custard would drag at our legs. Frustrating when you try your hardest and come last, so you have to feign an effortless defeat. Which is difficult when you can taste blood in your neck.

200m : Also a sprint event; so twice as many children end up red faced at the end. If the fat kid actually did sprint this one, instead of galumphing along in the oblivious lumber of the stubbornly unfit, he was prone to vomiting.

400m : The four hundred metres was the shortest track event to involve a measure of pacing yourself. The fact that you didn’t have to sprint with your fingers splayed out like cocktail sticks stuck into a potato was amply counterbalanced by the fact you were running twice as fucking far.

800m : On a course that is a 300m circle, as was ours, this distance allows for the humiliation of “lapping”. Watching the sport billies sail past and honking their disdain was irritating enough, but they would also sit down at the finish line and slow applaud the late arrivals.

1500m : Certainly the most annoying race from the mathematical point of view, falling pointlessly short of the 1600m that would have made a perfect geometric progression. After five laps of the 300m circle, it was more than a division between fast, slow and comical. Some would be lapped once, some lapped twice or more. Those getting lapped only once would secretly look down on those getting lapped more often; although they couldn’t openly ridicule them, as Sport Billies are very territorial about bullying. The 1500m event would essentially boil down to the entire group watching the extremely unfit and obese kid do the last two laps on his own. A genuine Slim Fast moment.

Jon B

With the advent of affordable pocket calculators (and pre "Daley Thompson’s Decathlon") we devised a game of Track and Field that could be played anywhere, but usually in Maths lessons.

The game was a race to 100 on your calculator, by pressing ‘1++’ and then the ’equals’ key.

Longer events did take place but the ‘100m’ was always a favourite.

Chris L

Sometime at secondary school I invented the following method of escaping the horror of Track + Field:

1. don’t give a shit that you come last

2. walk.

After about a week, maybe a quarter of the whole class had joined in this wonderfully un-knackering protest. I suddenly hit upon the idea when I realised that even a bollocking from the teacher for not trying was vastly preferable to actually running the damn race.

Blort S

Jon B

Incidentally, can anyone explain to me the shorthand difference between 2d10 generating a number between 2 and 20 (addition) and a number between 1 and 100 (taking one die as tens, one as units, double zero as 100)? Actually, if you can remember, something’s probably wrong, and I’d rather you didn’t contact me. Shoo. Get out.

Jon B

Oh, and thanks to the many (four) people who have told be that the correct notation is 1d100, and that there was actually a one hundred sided die for this very purpose, resembling a golf ball. Now, I want you to tell me the name of this shape.

Jon B

Actually the 2d10 method that you use to roll a number from 1 to 100 is called rolling “percentile dice”. Usually you do it with two one die of each color, or you can buy specially made d10’s which have 00, 10, 20, 30, etc printed on them instead.

Thank you, The Goddess Ecclesia. Now let this sorry entry come to a twitching, hopeless end. You scare me. - Log

Peter G

Another excruciating example comes from a poster designed by the school library assistant with hastily drawn pictures of books on it - part of a campaign to encourage use of the tumbleweed-filled facility. The poster featured a tome titled ‘Bubbles In The Bath’ - not by, as you would hope, the canonical Ivor Windybottom, but by ‘B. A. Throom’.

Greeted with a weary disdain and a ’that’s shit’.

Joe M

Nath S