Just back from Singapore, and then on Saturday we were off again to Bangkok for three days. She who must be obeyed has signed herself up for a course in Chinese fortune telling, something she says she does not believe in and just wants to learn for amusement; I am just waiting for signs that that is not true. For personal security I am refusing to reveal the time of day when I was born on the grounds that “I don’t remember because I was too young”. This means she is unable to chart my future; because we all know that the speed or tardiness with which your Mum pooped you out onto the delivery table can make a massive difference to your progress through life.
Then yesterday was the day we presented a small forest of papers in support of a visa to the UK for my wife. I know what you are thinking: “UK? Why? It’s shit.” and I would be inclined to agree with you; but there are circumstances that demand a visit.
The Son is getting married to his partner of many years this month. My presence at the wedding would be a little difficult what with his mother being there; and the last thing he needs on his wedding day is something that might be difficult, so I will be applauding from afar. But we did want to send some form of wedding gift and so requested what they would like. “We want you to bring she who must be obeyed to the UK for a holiday” was the answer; so of course I agreed.
Had I known of the mountain of bullshit that has to be climbed to satisfy the visa requirements, I might otherwise have counter-offered with “how about a nice toaster?” Instead we embarked upon an orgy of form filling and document copying.
The main application form is completed online and comprises page upon page of generally useless information. For example, here’s a section designed to catch out any ISIS members who would of course answer the questions correctly, along with the “purpose of visit” question (answer: jihad).
As well as confirming she is not a terrorist, my wife also had to prove that she had means to support herself on her trip, and reason to return to Thailand. Cue copies of all her bank accounts, all my bank accounts, land deeds, house documents, marriage certificate; topped with an invitation letter from The Son saying that we could stay in his garden shed for the duration. Then everything that was in Thai had to be translated into English; which was a nice little earner for the lady in Soi Post Office. Bundled the whole thing together with a covering letter and dumped it on the agency that processes visa requests for the UK Government. We now have to wait up to three weeks to find out if she has been successful. If not, I’m going over there myself for a nice spot of jihad.
Comments 🔗
2015-07-14| Parry saysLast time the beast went to the UK it took six months of appeals and a court appearance to get a six month family visitor visa. Within 18 days we were back in Bangkok, the beast vowing never to visit that miserable place ever again.
“Everweebody hab loooong face.” Although she did enjoy ASDA very much.
2015-07-14| sproggit saysSo, sorry to be a bit of an anorak here, but this is a classic example of why everything in the UK is just so stupidly expensive. The questions are asked in a way that if you have a spent speeding ticket in a different country, you have to answer “yes” to at least one of the questions asked.
As a result of your “yes” answer, it will then be necessary for one or more people somewhere in the Home Office to go through your answers and figure out whether or not you are a serious threat to UK security, or if you were someone who was not paying attention when a uniformed police officer pointed a RADAR gun at you…
Net effect is that the UK immigration/visitor process is going to have to crank a large, cumbersome and expensive, “potential risk” handle far more times than is necessary. This has at least 2 negative consequences:-
- It is a waste of money more often than not.
- It encourages familiarity with “false positive” responses, i.e. if 99.9999% of people who answer “yes” to the conviction question have a speeding ticket, but the 0.0001% has a conviction for something much more dangerous, there is a greater risk that the serious threat will be overlooked or ignored.
So: expensive, inefficient and ineffective? Congratulations, visitor, you’ve scored the Triple!
Sigh…
2015-07-15| Ray saysI suspect you may be declined. From what I gather those who answer “Yes” to those questions are accepted. You of course would need to also accept the offers of free housing and benefits as this may raise suspicions of your intentions to enter.
2015-07-15| Spike saysNo doubt your personal reputation influenced the decision to decline. I am confident my high standing in society, coupled with my impressive genitals, will smooth the process.
2015-07-15| Parry saysThe immigration judge was quite shocked when I said “It’s all right, we won’t be here long”. He then near demanded we stay, quite disgusted so he was.
2015-07-16| Andrew saysI guess that means you want the penis soap back to stuff in your pants as you approach the immigration booth….