Last time we met, the goons at HSBC had assured me that all I had to do to close my account was to provide the details of the bank account that would be the beneficiary of my business in future. I had done that, they had responded that they would close my account in three days; but there remained a lingering doubt that this would be the end of the matter.
Then the phone rang.
As I was engaged elsewhere in the house, completing a mission given by my wife, I did not reach the phone in time. It was a UK number so I called it back. “Welcome to HSBC….” I put the phone down. Contacting HSBC requires the provision of several codes, none of which I have because I never call them. Never mind, they would call me back if they really wanted to speak to me.
Then, just as I was about to retire for the night, I received a mail from HSBC telling me to call them and quote a million digit reference number. Wanting to put this to bed before I put myself to bed, I went into the garden where the reception is better and, with a heavy heart, I called them.
Can you give me your personal banking telephone call pin number?
I don’t have one, I never call you. Until now.
Oh. Well please answer some security questions.
This went on for a while as I am sure I answered some questions incorrectly, including my current address as it became clear that my change of address instructions provided some months previously had not been actioned.
Having proved I was me, the HSBC representative suggested he could call me back. Having ascertained that “it would only take a couple of minutes” to complete our business, I decided to continue. I had no desire to sit in my garden at midnight waiting for a call that may or may not come.
He explained that closing an account required a verification team to call me and verify my instructions. As my instructions had come via internet banking, wherein I could empty my accounts if I wished, this seemed a superfluous step, but there was no point in sharing that view. He also explained that my internet banking would be turned off once the transfer was approved and I better have a phone banking pin number in case I needed to contact the bank again. I could set this on my phone, right now, after which I would be returned to him. I agreed, and control was handed to a machine.
Please enter a new 6 digit number.
I did.
Sorry. I do not recognise that. Please enter again.
I did.
Sorry. I do not recognise that. Please enter again.
I did.
Sorry. I do not recognise that. I am transferring you to one of our representatives.
A lady answers the phone and I explain what has happened.
Can you give me your personal banking telephone call pin number?
I don’t have one, I never call you. Until now.
Oh. Well please answer some security questions.
And off we go again.
Questions finally answered, she confirms my account will be closed and says goodbye. But I am not finished.
The gentleman I was talking to suggested I should have a new phone banking pin, in case I need to contact you.
Good idea, I will arrange to send you one.
Can’t I do it over the phone? If you recall, it was trying to do that which ended up with you answering my call.
Well, one of your accounts has been dormant for some time, so I can only send you a new pin by post.
So, why did your colleague agree to do this over the phone some ten minutes ago?
Well, one of your accounts has been dormant for some time, so I can only send you a new pin by post.
Very large sigh OK.
Of course, because they had not registered my new address, they sent it to my old address. So I had to bribe the receptionist at my old address with a box of cookies to sign for it, and drive across town to pick it up; and it is useless anyway because I also need a “personal banking code” which I don’t have.
But none of this matters, because yesterday, after a couple of stressful days of waiting, the funds from HSBC arrived in my new bank in Singapore.
The ordeal is over. HSBC; kindly fuck off.
Comments 🔗
2015-04-04| subroto mukerji saysPhew ! What an ordeal…better luck with your new bank.
2015-04-04| ChristianPFC saysI once read somewhere (citation needed) it’s close to impossible to terminally delete your facebook account. Seems to be similar for HSBC bank account.
2015-04-04| Grant saysI am enthralled at the lengths these people have gone to in order to keep you entertained; and by default, us. Love the hammer, nice touch…
2015-04-04| Spike saysIt was a very heavy touch and I enjoyed it immensely.
2015-04-04| RJM saysGreat news Spike. Very pleased for you!
2015-04-04| Andrew saysWhen you’re a man with a hammer everything looks like an HSBC Digital Secure Key…(also nice subliminal “Wrath of the Mighty America " message…)
2015-04-06| sproggit saysIf HSBC’s conduct is true-to-form, this may not be the final chorus… If you’re lucky [ ;) ] then you might receive further contact, either from them directly, or perhaps from one of their “select and trusted partner organisations” to offer you anything in a wide range of goodies. It always used to be PPI (which is wonderful, if you think about it - they give you a credit limit that is way more than a sensible bank should, and then they sell you protection insurance for when you spend too much on that credit card…) but ever since they got rumbled with that, all the high street banks are scratching around for new ways to separate you from your hard-earned cash.
When the finally have to grudgingly admit that you’ve gone for good, they will no doubt either
print out all your Personal Information and then stick it in a dumpster out the back of a high street branch somewhere, in a box marked “confidential, identity-theft sensitive information”…
sell it to a “trusted third party” who they have “carefully selected” to work with you on matters that might interest you. [ Disclaimer, I suspect that the selection process allegedly comprises finding the most obnoxious, disrespectful and persistent bunch of w###ers that they can, so they can ensure that you never forget all your many happy years of banking with them].
2015-04-07| sproggit saysActually, if you think about it, getting away from an old high street bank can be a bit like your favourite serialized slasher movie [i.e. Friday the 13th]. We could easily have an entire series of gruesome movies using this as a central theme. Now, we just need a tag-line for the posters. What rhymes with bankers? Anyone? Anyone?