Weary readers may recall my most recent tirade against HSBC; this one about their requirement that I prove where I live. When we left the story, our hero had at some cost, gathered the required information for despatch to HSBC in the UK.
And so I did, by going down to the local post office and sending an EMS package. End of that little problem I thought. Not so fast, said fate.
The next day my phone rang and a woman said “can I speak to your wife?” The less moral amongst us would be somewhat concerned at another woman wishing to converse with our beloved; but as I am too old too scared too much in love to ever think of straying, I handed the phone to she who must be obeyed.
The woman on the other end worked at the post office and had a story too complex for her English skills to impart to me, so sensibly had requested an immediate transfer to a higher power. In summary, the story was that they could not send my package to HSBC in the Isle of Man because the courier network did not service that island. This had not been a problem when their head office had been in Jersey; but of course they had had to move to the Isle of Man in order to reduce their tax bill to the UK govenment better serve their customers. Bastards.
So I made the long journey back to the post office to reclaim my package and to fill in a form to request a refund (which I finally received yesterday, less a service charge of 37 baht; which didn’t seem unreasonable given the volume of paper I needed to sign in support of my claim). Then it was off to Fedex who charged me a great deal more than EMS, plus a surcharge of 600 baht because the Isle of Man was not in their normal UK deliver area.
Substantially out of pocket, and with my bank balance being reduced by 35 pounds every month by a “service charge”, it was of some relief to receive a communication from her majesty’s most holy government pension service to tell me that not only had they received my proof of life documents and were prepared to accept that I was still breathing; they had also arranged for my pension to be moved from HSBC to my bank in Singapore. Hoo! and indeed ray!
So at last I could write to HSBC and tell them to close my accounts, so I did. I was rather relishing a reply that requested me to tell them why I wanted to leave; but instead they just asked for my new bank account details. I have supplied this information but refuse to believe it will be this easy. As they have not replied after three days, I fear I may be correct and I await the next instalment in this saga.
But wait, there’s more.
When HSBC departed Thailand, they suggested to their personal banking customers that they should move their accounts to the Bank of Ayudhya. The offer seemed very promising, until perusal of the fine print revealed that all the goodies were only available if you maintained a balance in excess of three million Baht. This, plus the fact that I could never learn to reliably write Ayudhya without looking it up, convinced me to ignore the offer and move to Bangkok Bank instead. I did continue to receive offers from Krungsri Bank (they sensibly changed their name to something easier to spell), but I just ignored them. They even sent me a copy of a report to the government telling them that I had a credit card but it had never been used (which is not surprising because I never had one).
Then yesterday, by registered post, there arrived a glossy box. Inside the glossy box was a top of the range credit card from Krungsri Bank. Laden with benefits and with a credit limit of 400,000 baht. All I had to do was call their customer service to activate it….
If you know how hard it is for a foreigner to get a credit card in Thailand; then you will be as surprised as I was. If you have a work permit, some banks, but not all, may furnish you with a credit card under certain conditions. If you don’t have a work permit, then your only choice is to open a frozen account which you stuff full of money and then you may be given a card with a limit of 50% of the funds you have deposited.
But if you are a pensioner, with no relationship with a bank, there is no way in hell they are going to give you a credit card; let alone a super-platinum, double-VIP, free use of first-class lounges, extra-special glowing card with a 400,000 baht limit. But Krungsri had just done that.
I was very tempted just to take it to see how they would eventually react; but there was a 4,000 baht annual fee and I wasn’t paying that for some limited entertainment. So I took it back to the bank.
Thank you for this wonderful super-platinum, double-VIP, free use of first-class lounges, extra-special glowing card with a 400,000 baht limit.
You are welcome sir.
I didn’t ask for it.
Oh.
I don’t want it.
Oh.
Why did you sent it to me?
It’s a replacement of your current card with an upgrade.
I don’t have a current card.
Oh. I don’t even have an account with you. Oh.
I decided to give them a clue and told them I used to be with HSBC. They brightened considerably.
Ah, yes sir. Well you transferred your account from HSBC and we gave you a credit card and this is a replacement.
I never transferred my account. I never took up your offer. I never communicated with you. I never opened an account. I never had a credit card.
Oh.
Tell you what. You remove all traces of my name from your system and I will go home and cut up this card.
OK.
So we all went and did what we said we would do. In a couple of years I am looking forward to receiving another card with a higher credit limit and even more benefits.
Naturally I blame HSBC for this latest inconvenience. Bastards.
Comments 🔗
2015-03-26| Grant saysOh dearie me! No wonder you’re tetchy…
2015-03-26| Spike saysMe? Tetchy? “I’m fucking ZEN!”
2015-03-26| RJM saysI love reading these articles. So amusing. Oddly enough, I’ve been a First Direct cudtomer (part of HSBC) for well over 25 years and find them superb. They must hate you!
2015-03-26| Spike saysIf they do, the feeling is entirely mutual.
2015-03-26| Grant saysOh. Not ‘Omnishambles’ then…?
2015-03-26| Andrew saysWell, I would have said “thanks so much for this lovely card but my name is wrong - it is “Grant ( add last name ) and could you provide a new replacement - just send the bills to this ( Grant’s ) address…..and Bob’s your uncle….VIP lounge here you come….
2015-03-27| Grant says…VIP cell more like it…!
2015-03-27| subroto mukerji saysBrain damage is an occupational hazard associated with working for / having an account with a bank. I should know: I worked in an Indian bank for 19 years, and let me say that it’s effects are pretty much permanent. The only thing that partially offset the loss of grey cells was photography. The wacky humour of PG Wodehouse and Stephen Leacock is thus easily explained. Love the spirited way you retaliate, Spike, but know ye that ye canna beat the system, no matter which bank you choose to deal with (hope I’m wrong). Subroto Mukerji, New Delhi, India
2015-03-27| Andrew says10 points for knowing Stephen Leacock ( the allegedly Canadian Mark Twain ) and a bonus 100 points for actually having read him- we here in Canada were served him like cold porridge in our lit classes - but that was MANY teays ago - they now probably study the Twitter posts of one of the Kardashians….
2015-03-27| Andrew saysteays is Canadian for years….
2015-03-27| Andrew saysah but what luxuries in that cell - showers and finger foods when you ask…hot towels ans masseuses….oh wait..I’m describing the Canadian welfare system…never mind…
2015-03-27| Andrew saysI wonder if anyone has noticed that I’m drinking….nah - for sure they haven’t a clue….
2015-03-28| Grant saysOh. I thought it was Canadian for ZMD… How are things going in Canadia any way?
2015-03-28| Grant saysMind how you go. Uncle Spike likes to run a clean family friendly site displaying all the old-fashioned cuddly virtues… Of course if you’re imbibing crystal-clear mountain spring water that’s just fine…
2015-04-02| Andrew saysactually it was high-test maple syrup….I was trying to come to grips with the Conservative’s new “tax break for middle and low income earners” when I figured out that I wouldn’t qualify since I didn’t have kids….well fuck ’em I say - some things are priceless - the sound of silence for example…ok …now for the cuddly bits - it’s almost springtime here and the snow is slowly melting to reveal a winter’s worth of dog crap and other assorted garbage - but it still beats shoveling! and it’s raining - a lot - so that must be somehow like a good day in London…
2015-04-02| Grant says…Ontario or England…?
2015-04-04| Andrew saysboth…