Today will go down in history. It will be featured in future school text books for snails that live in our garden. For today is the day that the snail population of chez Spike was decimated in a brutal act of ethnic cleansing that makes the “2012 great ant slaughter in a saucer in our condo” look like a petty scuffle. Naturally, it is all down to she who must be obeyed.
Our garden contains a variety of wildlife. This is good for me because it means more macro opportunities but it less popular with my wife who sees potential food being consumed; and is very unpopular with our gardener who just wants to poison everything. I will admit, however, that the snail population has been rather getting out of hand.
The slimy little buggers can be found everywhere. On the walls, on the windows, and in squashed form on the footpath where we have inadvertently stood on them (or the gardener has deliberately stamped on them). This morning my wife decided she had had enough.
Bucket in hand, she patrolled the garden, ripping defenseless snails from the bosom of their families and putting them in a bucket. “Too much snail sex” she was heard to mutter, as she mercilessly gathered up the poor creatures for deportation.
With the bucket bulging with miserable molluscs, we headed out of the village and dumped them close to a marsh; and close to another house which you could just tell was going to welcome an assault of freshly freed snails.
An air of desolation now hangs over the garden. The birds are still singing though. I advise them to shut the fuck up or they could be next.
Comments 🔗
2014-11-22| Jan saysreportedly these are creatures fitted with homing devices and like General Patten - they’ll be back. Reccommend slug pellets as witnessed in the anual ‘uyton Slug & Snail fest held in our garden each May - see chapter 3 - Places NOT to eat in the snail school text book.
2014-11-22| rjmorgans saysVery amusing, Spike. Made me smile.
2014-11-22| jon sutton saysescargot? whelks if you’re common?