I have spent many a happy hour with my neighbour Nik discussing the inevitable downfall of the world banking system. Doom and gloom videos are exchanged; all of which point to the same conclusion: we are economically fucked.
Nik decided that he could defer his inevitable financial shafting by moving his banking to somewhere that is perhaps less likely to collapse financially than the UK: Singapore.
He reported that it was not the easiest process; but as I had already decided that I had had enough of HSBC Jersey; I decided to follow suit.
The target bank was UOB and the process seemed simple enough. I just had to appear at one of their branches with my passport, a letter of support from my bank or a Singapore resident, and proof of address. I guessed that Bangkok Bank would not be that interested in writing a letter of recommendation for me; so I contacted a friend in Singapore who was willing to write nice things about me; even though we had not met for about twenty years.
Off we went to Singapore, and in between eating very well and being dragged around Universal studios; I put on a reasonably presentable shirt and my second-best pair of jeans and headed with my Singapore friend to UOB where, after a wait of half an hour, I was sat with a stoney-faced lady who did not seem that keen on my opening an account.
This letter of recommendation, it looks like a copy.
It’s an original.
Looks like a copy.
So I had to go and call my friend so he could re-sign the letter to authenticate it. He is a very successful businessman who spends a lot of his time giving back to society, and presumably also has a shitload of cash in the bank; but that was not going to sway Ms. Stoney Face. Still, letter accepted, my passport was checked and found to be valid. She looked a little disappointed.
Finally, proof of address. Given I would be using internet banking, my actual address seemed irrelevant; but a proof was required by furnishing a utility bill. And this was a problem. Utility companies in Thailand use addresses partly or completely defined in Thai script. Still, I brought every addressed item I could lay my hands on, including bank and credit card statements, pension letters and something from my internet provider which seemed close to being a utility and was completely in English. Looking through the little pile of offerings, there was absolutely no doubt as to where I lived.
But the bank had considerable doubt.
“You have to show a utility bill with your address in English.”
It’s Thailand, they use Thai script. Do you want me to petition the Thai government to change this? Here, use this letter from my pension provider.
Not acceptable.
So, what do I do?
Get a letter from your embassy.
Hahahaha. Or?
Get your bank to write a letter saying how long you have been with them, that you are of good character and confirming your address.
Can I courier it to you?
Yes.
Will you then open my account?
No. Only after you deposit $1000.
Can I give you the money now? No. Oh Buddha.
So I couldn’t open an account until they had the extra letter, and then been given $1000. I foresaw another trip to Singapore on the cards.
How about I give my friend here $1000 and he gives it to you once you have received my bank letter, will that work?
Yes (said begrudgingly). But (brightens up), we can’t give him a receipt because it is your money. We will mail the receipt to you; then you can call us and we will give you your bank details.
Sorted, potentially, so I filled in application forms for internet banking and an ATM card and flew home to obtain the letter that would confirm, once and for all, where I lived.
I walked into Bangkok Bank where I have a card that apparently makes me something special in their world. I never normally use it, but I plonked it down and told them what I wanted.
Cannot.
It’s just a letter, you can do a letter.
Cannot, not a standard format.
Here, have this card, it obviously means nothing.
So went next door to TMB who have had a little of my cash for a few months.
Not a standard letter, but we can do it in Word. Come back in an hour. 100 baht.
I think I love you.
Letter completed, I Fedexed it to UOB and waited. My friend reported they had accepted the $1000 and in due course a receipt arrived. Then I was given an internet banking keypad thingies, and then came a password with clear instructions that I had to log on and activate my account with a few days. Similar instructions arrived for my ATM card; but the relevant additional information never arrived. And then it did and just in time I managed to get both service set up.
The reason that some correspondence had taken three weeks to reach me was very clear when I looked at the address; you know, the one I had sweated blood to verify with the bank. In some letters the address was OK, but in others the lines of the address were mixed up; something wrong with UOB’s printing software I assumed. How very ironic.
I wrote to them:
Dear Customer service
As a new customer, I have been receiving a number of mails from you recently; and some have been delayed for up to three weeks from the date of posting.
The reason is that, while some letters have the address printed OK, others have the lines mixed up; as you can see in the attached.
The postal workers in Thailand have limited command of English language or text; so such a garbled address is especially hard for them to decipher; I am actually amazed they arrived at all!
Could you please investigate and rectify.
Thanks
This was their reply:
Thank you for your email.
We acknowledge the receipt of the email. We sincerely apologize on the inconvenience that may have caused you.
We wish to inform that the address will not be affected as the country ZIP code has been indicated accurately.
We shall highlight this to the relevant department for their further investigation.
Nevertheless, we thank you for your effort and your time in highlighting this to UOB.
We look forward to serve you better in future.
Thank you for banking with UOB.
“…the address will not be affected as the country ZIP code has been indicated accurately”. Of course, a Thai postman can identify my house given the post code which only covers 173 square kilometres.
“Nevertheless, we thank you for your effort and your time”… which was completely wasted because we don’t give a shit.
“Apologize.” Did Sir Stamford Raffles teach them nothing?
Naturally, I had to respond:
I am rather disappointed in your somewhat dismissive response.
When opening my account, UOB were exceedingly demanding when it came to making me prove my address; involving me in considerable time and expense to produce documentation that would satisfy you. Having done that, is it too unreasonable to expect you to print the lines of my address in the correct sequence?
You assert that “that the address will not be affected as the country ZIP code has been indicated accurately.” I wish to inform you that my post code is used to define properties for in excess of 200,000 people within an area of 173 square kilometres. As you can imagine, the postcode is not sufficient to allow the postman to identify my home… As I pointed out in my previous mail, a Thai postman’s English is not that great; and mixing up the lines of the address will cause confusion and lead to the substantial delays I have experienced in mail from you.
Sincerely
The next morning the phone rang, with someone at the end of the line who was obviously falling over themselves to offer effusive apologies. But they couldn’t do that immediately, because they first had to ask three security questions to assure themselves that I was me, before they could ooze remorse down the line; which rather diluted the impact.
Not impressed so far with UOB; the only consolation being that they are still way better than the bastards at HSBC.
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2014-07-19| Ray saysSimilar to my experiences some years back when requiring a UK bank account to accomodate the receipt of my State Pension. I did not require the money in Thailand. Off to the UK and popped into Lloyds who I’d banked with, both privately and as a business, for some 20 years. My old manager was still there. This is going to be easy I thought. Wrong.
“Do you have an address in the UK” No, I live in Thailand and have done so for 15 years. “Do you have any UK utility bills” See above “Do you have a British driving licence with your current UK address on it” Again - see above. “Do you have anything to prove you are resident in the UK” Are you freaking deaf or daft. I haven’t lived here for 15 years. How the f%#%k would I have any of these? “Sorry we can’t help”
And the same with 8 other banks.
Later at dinner with a friend a young lady overhead my discussion of the days events. She left her card and asked me to call her.
24 hours later I was sat with her in her role as the assistant bank manager. Acccounts, Internet banking etc were all concluded.
Thank you HSBC UK. !