Taxman

I last paid income tax in 1984. Up to that point, the UK tax authorities had been happily collecting a proportion of my monthly salary via PAYE, and there was nothing I could do about it other than whinge.

Then in 1984 I went overseas and the world became a sunnier place. For reasons I have never fully understood, the conditions of overseas employment with Shell always included clauses that stated that the company would pay any income tax due by the employee. I went to The Hague from the UK on only a slightly higher salary; but a load more cash ended up in my pocket each month because I was no longer paying any tax. Good times.

By early 1985, the UK taxman had agreed I was no longer resident and we parted ways on good terms; never to communicate again. And my income tax-free life continued for the next twenty years or so of employment, with Shell handing over large amounts to assorted governments on my behalf; I really should have been more grateful.

When I took voluntary early retirement was rudely ejected onto the scrapheap of failed humanity some ten years ago; the pain was relieved a little by a company pension which had been contributed to whilst I was overseas, which meant it was paid out of Bermuda. which meant the UK taxman was not able to get his fingers into my personal pie. More good times.

Then, last October, I was surprised to discover I had survived to an age that meant I would be entitled to a UK state pension, a free bus pass, winter fuel allowance and a 10% discount at Cindy’s Senior Citizen Erotic Massage in Wolverhampton. Except, living overseas, all I would get is the pension; and a non-indexed linked one at that.

I had only worked for a limited number of years in the UK; but was determined to become part of a statistic that the Daily Mail could moan about; so I made plans to apply for my pension. Amazingly, before I could put my plans in place, a letter arrived from the UK telling me I was entitled to a pension, and all I had to do was fill in the enclosed 32 page claim form. I have no idea how they obtained my address; presumably the sneaky bastards at the embassy in Bangkok had told them where I was hiding.

Anyway, I filled out the form, attached all manner of documentation that I did not expect to ever see again, and sent it off. Several weeks later I received a letter telling me I would receive eighty pounds a week. Not enough to live on, but enough to put some fuel in the Mercedes I don’t own. Slightly better good times.

All was well in my little financial world until December, when I received an envelope marked “HM Revenue and Customs.” “Hello”, I thought “what the fuck do you want?” I know what I wanted: never to see HM Revenue and Customs on an envelope, ever again; but they had made the effort to write to me, so I thought I better open it.

“I notice from your tax records that you currently live outside of the UK” began the letter. I looked around and spotted a somtam cart; he was right! The letter went on about paying tax on my UK income (good luck with taxing my eighty quid a week), something about double taxation agreements (don’t even go there), and how to make a claim to avoid paying income tax twice. As I had yet to pay income tax once, I failed to see the relevance. I put the letter in a drawer.

In March there arrived another letter with a much more worrying message. My tax code was being changed from a near-lifetime of “NT” to 869L for 2013-2014, and to 509L for 2014-2015 because I had underpaid income tax to the tune of one hundred and forty nine of Her Majesty’s pounds. This was rather bewildering, and a little worrying. How could I have underpaid income tax when I had no taxable income? Was this the start of a strategy to try and extract income tax from my pension? Would I have to sell the Mercedes that I did not own? Many thoughts ran through my head as I hurried to their website to suggest they may have cocked things up. I wrote a long and detailed explanation which in summary said I had a shitty little UK state pension and no other income arising in the UK and had no plans to return to my homeland because of the three million Romanians that were about to arrive according to the Daily Mail. Oh and that I didn’t want to live in the country that was responsible for the Daily Mail.

There was no response for sometime, and then this week I received two letters, telling me that my tax code for 2013-2014 and 2014-2015 had been changed to “NT”. which they explained meant “Shell Pensions Trust will not take any tax off your income”.

Panic over. And if the HM Revenue and Customs are reading this, please never write to me again.

Comments 🔗

2014-05-16 | Clive says

Just a guess, but I think that if you try to sell a Mercedes you don’t own, a different department in Her Majesty’s government may be in touch…

I was surprised to read that UK state pensions paid overseas are not indexed linked. It never ceases to amaze me that our beloved government can think up so many ways to screw hard working tax payers out of their due. There was an interesting story doing the rounds this week explaining that we’re currently expanding the number of inspectors that are charged with finding benefit cheats, but the Inland Revenue remains chronically under-staffed when it comes to finding tax cheats. Or that most Multi-nationals in the UK seem to make billions in profits, but pay no tax because of dodgy accounting laws (all the income gets funnelled to somewhere where there is no corporation tax, by virtue of cross-company charges…)

So apparently we put more effort into recovering a few tens or hundreds of millions from benefit cheats, while corporate tax avoiders disappear without paying billions in Corporation tax, and yet we’re happy for the Inland Revenue to be chronically under-staffed.

And the hits just keep on coming…

2014-05-16 | Parry says

I did the remediation of Shell Haven between 2000 and 2003 and remember the old timers retiring from the refinery then. At fifty!

The payouts were huge and the index linked pensions unimaginable.

But of course Spike has developed a taste for the medium of formats and hence requires the OAP basic top up to pay for a bag of Hassy V.

2014-05-17 | Spike says

I was at Teesport Refinery, did you knock that down too? Sorry, remediate.

Indeed the Shell pension scheme with end of salary pensions and index linked based increases is very attractive, as are the lump sums they throw at you for taking early retirement.

When I joined Shell, the average life expectancy of an employee post-retirement was two years; so they could afford these generous arrangements. We tend to live a little longer nowadays, which mean Shell has to keep throwing cash into the pension fund. How delightful. And I like to think I am getting value for money by marrying she who must be obeyed; who will continue to receive a pension from Shell after I am gone.

2014-05-17 | Spike says

I saw a graphic last week which showed the large, and increasing, number of investigators chasing the comparatively small benefits fraud pot, compared to the desperate shortage of inspectors chasing the massive amount of tax fraud. Gotta keep those Daily Mail readers happy.

2014-05-17 | Parry says

Wish I’d gone to work for Shell. Used to do a bit with Shell Global Solutions in the late nineties.

Three and half years digging and refilling holes at Shell Haven, in preparation for the Thames Gateway Port, which is nearly finished now.

Now, sadly, about to knock down Coryton refinery next door and then dig that up too.

2014-05-18 | Spike says

You are a destroyer of worlds.