I have lived, and driven, in this fine country for more than fifteen years. It is therefore inevitable that I have a few encounters with the boys in brown. Some have been as a result of actual transgressions (wrong way down a one-way street), some as the result of questionable transgressions (driving in the outside lane - I was overtaking, BiB said I wasn’t), and some as a result of outright scams (You were going more than 120kph - my truck doesn’t go that fast).
Occasionally, if I had been obstinate and dumb enough, I was waved on my way. But usually these encounters have been resolved by the passing of funds from me to the usually friendly police representative. In fact, once cash has changed hands, they become very friendly indeed.
For example, there is a road in Bangkok which inexplicably turns into a one-way coming towards you when you drive towards it, requiring you to turn off just before the one-way system into a tiny soi. Not at all obvious, and so the police managed the situation by installing a large sign saying “turn left” placing a police box just past the turn so they could arrest errant drivers in comfort. I was caught, and waved into a parking area where my crime was explained and 100 baht offered in recompense. This made the policeman very happy and he wanted to know where I was headed. He then explained the best route, which involved cutting across four lanes of traffic; and then jumped into the road, stopped all four lanes and sent me on my way with a smart salute. Best 100 baht service ever.
I have a policy to never pay more than 200 baht, and this has been sufficient to ensure that I have never actually been served a ticket from the little pad of paper that they all wave around when they stop you. Until two days ago.
I was driving back from my trip to Nong Nuch and decided to stop and take a drone shot of Mimosa. Mimosa is a pretty dire experience, but everything looks better from a couple of hundred metres up (apart from Lagos, which requires two thousand metres and on a heading out of Nigeria), so decided to point my drone at it. Got the shot, and then had to do a U-turn to return to Pattaya; at which point I drove into one of the regular road blocks that the BiB operate in that area. Their normal ploy is to stop all tourists on bikes and scare them out of money; but I have never been stopped so was feeling fairly relaxed. Then I was waved down.
“Licence please.” I obliged and he perused it. Could I go now? “Your road tax is out of date, it expired in February last year.” I thought about telling him that his English was pretty good; but that “last month” would have been more accurate; but settled for “sorry”. “Pay here or at station?” “How much to pay here?” “One thousand baht.” “I only have two hundred.” (I always empty my wallet of cash while they are pontificating, leaving only two hundred to wave as possible ransom money). “Not enough.” And he strode away to write out my ticket. Damn.
Turned out that I had to go to Jomtien Police Station to pay my 400 baht fine and collect my licence (once you give them your licence you don’t get it back until honour has been satisfied), and this was only a kilometre or so away. My arresting officer gave me directions and told me he would come along in five minutes with my licence. I went to the police station, sat in the car park for fifteen minutes, and then went home. It had been, as I had expected, a Thai five minutes.
In the afternoon I presented myself at the road tax office and discovered that the policeman’s grammar had been perfect; the tax had expired in February 2013; which means I have not renewed my tax since February 2012! In my defence, I have been despatched to the tax office by she who must be obeyed every year when she forgets to renew her tax and panics. Also in my defence, I am useless. Apart from the 900 baht tax for each year, I had to pay some swingeing penalties for late payment; 126 baht for the thirteen months late payment for 2013, and 18 baht for this year.
Tax paid, I headed back to Jomtien to pay my fine and collect my licence. The clerk in the police station was extremely cute. I told her she was a fair cop but she didn’t get the joke; and then pointedly asked me my age as she filled in one of the two forms required to document my evil deed. Fine paid and she scrabbled around in a box full of licences, but there was no sign of mine. Ledgers were consulted and it was decided that my arresting officer had not handed it in.
“Take a seat” she suggested, “he’ll be here in five minutes.” I was tempted to ask her if that was the same five minutes that he had promised six hours ago; but as I mentioned, she was very cute and the guy sat next to her was equipped with handcuffs and a sour expression, so I sat down to wait. Twenty minutes later, PC Plod turned up and turned out his pockets. His filing system was not the best and my licence was not in pocket number one; although I was offered to choose any one that I fancied. Same result for pocket number two,and was I mulling the not too unpleasant thought of returning to the cute clerk and filling out a lost licence report. Finally, he reached in a top pocket and extracted the licence of Mr Hans and Mr Spike. Big smiles all round and I was out into the world with all documentation in order, after what had been overall quite a pleasant experience. I love this country.
And the Mimosa photo? Not bad; but not sure it was worth a 400 baht fine:
Comments 🔗
2014-03-20| eoin mahn saysSpike,
I thought u’d be clever enough not to use drones. They are evil things that soon will be peeping in your bedroom window at you and she who has to be obeyed. Soon the fukkers will have them everywhere (batteries and missiles included).
Please be a good example to all us earthbound photographers.
Eoin.
2014-03-20| Spike saysAlthough I do travel with a small entourage of bodyguards and personal assistants, I am not (unlike your goodself) of sufficient importance to attract the attention of paparazzi, either land or air based. As for the bedroom scenario; there are these things called curtains. Earth based photography is so last year; come and join the fun!
2014-03-20| Andrew saysBeing unfamiliar with Mimosa I can only presume it is the mubahn of the Teletubbies…
2014-03-21| Spike says
2014-03-21| Pete saysYou’ve lived in this fine country for fifteen years, and you still don’t know what the big number on the front of your tax disc means? It didn’t cost you a 400 Baht fine to photograph Mimosa from the air - that was a ’numpty’ tax.
On a side note regarding the solicitation of funds for the annual policeman’s ball, there used to be only one junction in Pattaya where it was not allowed to turn left on a red light. This fact was made blatantly obvious by a small blue and white sign written only in Thai right by the only permanently manned police box in Pattaya just on the corner. This corner is where second road crosses central road heading northbound. The fact that it’s only a 2 minute walk to the police station from there didn’t escape my attention either.
2014-03-21| Parry saysGo on. Low level mission down the Yodsak!
2014-03-22| Spike saysI didn’t get where I am today by paying any attention to a number stuck on my windscreen. Best ignored until the local police point it out to me.
2014-03-22| Spike says? Drinking? Again?
2014-03-22| Parry saysProudly tee-total old boy. An Earl Gray would be pushing the boat out.
Shall we call it Mission Yodsak or Sorte Soi Six?
Watch out Red Two, you’ve got an LB on your . . . !