And... we're back!

Cue trumpets and extended sighs.

Well, that was a long break. Did you miss me as much as I missed you? “Not at all” would probably sum it up for both us. But at least I have an excuse, I have been too busy to waste my time on human emotions.

The culprit was a wooden floor, twenty seven square metres of rotting ruined planking which had never recovered from being the unwitting recipient of a burst-pipe induced flood a few years ago. It had to go, and it had to be replaced by tiles, and nobody was interested in taking on the job.

After several failed attempts to throw money at contractors, we went to Home Pro who had once made a table for us which still retained the majority of its legs. Would they replace a floor for us? Yes, they would, which should have sounded a warning bell that something might be amiss with their service; but these were desperate times.

We wandered through the racks of garish tiles until we found one that might work; but would they have enough stock to cover our extensive acreage? The normally numerous staffing levels of Home Pro were not in evidence and it was some time before we managed to collar a passing assistant; could he assist? No he couldn’t because he was en route to somewhere else; but he found a tiling assistant who seemed annoyed to be disturbed and snapped she would deal with us when she had finished with her current customer whom I assumed was named “Mr. Invisible”.

She buggered off, never to be seen again. We waited for eighteen minutes (I counted) before she who must obeyed reached her breaking point and went to sort things out. She returned with a clearly cowed and shaken man who confirmed they had enough stock and would no doubt have pre-washed each tile with his tongue to avoid further abuse from my enraged wife (interestingly, her break point with me is much less than eighteen minutes).

Then it was off to the misnamed information counter where they advised that someone would come and give us a quote in two days time, provided we paid the princely sum of five hundred baht, refundable should we decide to subsequently sell them our soul.

Amazingly, a young man appeared at the door two days later and only half an hour late. He hummed and muttered for a full five minutes, made some measurements and pronounced himself finished.

What about the quote? I will call you tomorrow.

He didn’t, and maintained radio silence for three more days before it was my turn to crack and I presented myself at the information desk at Home Pro, waving my shabby receipt for 500 bat and sporting a resigned expression.

I could write a book on what transpired over the next 73 minutes (I counted), but in summary:

1. About fifteen minutes of deer in headlights looks and mild panic as nobody knew what to do.
2. Another thirty minutes while I was told to wait for the nice young man while I suspect he finished a leisurely lunch. This included at least two points where I wanted to walk out but didn’t because I really wanted the floor fixed and this seemed to be the only way.
3. The young man arrives, wiping his lips and presents me with a schedule for the work which allegedly will take ten days. I suggest that this is bollocks as I have had two other rooms which amount to a similar area have exactly the same treatment and that took three days, for both. He doesn’t expect this counter-offer and goes into a huddle with assorted planning executives and then announces that if they work really hard they can cut it down to seven days. I shrug, never mind that, what’s the quote?
4. My request for an actual quote seems to throw them, why would I want that? There is another ten minutes while papers are shuffled and straws are drawn to decide who shall present me with a piece of paper which clearly represents extortion, feebly justified by the inflated time schedule. No sane man would pay such a sum to tile a floor, you could buy a camera and a decent lens for the amount involved. But I am no longer sane and I nod agreement with lowered eyes and a heavy heart (plus, I don’t need any new lenses at the moment).
5. The rest of the time is spent preparing an invoice which has to be recalculated when they fail to include the additional tiles for the skirting which I had clearly told the young man turned extortionist that I required. Then they have to do it again when they fail to give me my 500 baht inspection fee back. Then they have to do it again for reasons that are not clear to me but just heightens my desire to kill someone. Finally, I am out of the door with a promise they will arrive the following week.

And they do, later than scheduled, but that was expected. And here is the extortionist who advices me that he will be the manager for the project, which means he will leave within the hour and not be seen again until after the work is complete and he needs me to sign nine pieces of paper saying nothing is Home Pro’s fault. With him is an assortment of polite people who wai and bow and disappear into my room and work diligently for a full two hours before requiring an hour for lunch. A couple more hours after that and really that is enough for one day. Still, day two starts with most of the floor removed and it does not take much time to remove the rest and we are ready for a job on the schedule called “floor preparation” for which they have charged me 9,000 baht. As the bare floor is concrete and to my untrained eye is ready to receive cement and tiling, I am intrigued to discover exactly what this presumably highly technical preparation will entail. The answer is fifteen minutes with a brush by a lady who looks very relieved not to be ripping up wooden planks.

Then the tiling boys arrive (late, “it was raining”, it wasn’t) and they set to with cement and string and rather too much hammering on my precious tiles than I would like. Having arrived late, they finish early; but they eat while on the job and don’t make too much of a mess of the adjoining toilet and within two days they are done. Not a bad job, but did they really need to leave cement splashes on the ceiling?

Work complete and “the manager” arrives for the sign-off. I couldn’t resist it:

So, not ten days, or seven days….? Ah, well, that’s because condos don’t normally let us work from 0900 till 1700.

I should have pointed out that they never came before 1000 and were always away comfortably before 1600 and had they worked the full hours we would have been done in three days and they would had to have worked less than three hours a day to spin it out over ten days; but what’s the point? I signed his silly forms and sent him on his way to his next victim.

So, while all this was going on I had to be at home. Apart from the incessant banging, the occasional crashes and yelps, and the unpleasant feeling of having strangers in your home whom you have not enticed there with the promise of mammary centered entertainment, I spent a not unpleasant week on the computer. I worked on my butterfly photos, wrote the corresponding blog posts and looked up “what chainsaw is light enough to chase tilers with but strong enough to cut bone” on Google.

But when all had departed and the dust had settled (and there was plenty of dust), my work could begin. The wall had a few spots that had bubbled a bit (flood damage) so they needed gouging out, filling and then sanding. There was dust everywhere and cement stains where you would never expect to find cement stains. All the electrical switches and sockets were rather old and tired and needed replacing, and finally I would have to re-hang the curtains which were a bastard to remove and would no doubt be double-bastard to hang again (they were dry cleaned in the interim and full marks to Express Cleaners, stunning job).

So I set to on a Monday morning, with a target to finish by the Thursday, so she who must be obeyed could help me move furniture on her day off on the Friday.

I could write a book on my travails, but here is a summary: it was fucking hard work.

The plastering is always fun, the sanding of the plaster such that wall is smooth to the touch is hell on earth. The painting is quite fun, the masking and preparation is a pain in the arse, removing the masking tape afterwards is painful if you leave it too long. Replacing electrical fittings is fiddly and requires three trips to HomeWorks if you didn’t buy enough switches or need to buy special plugs that take three wires. Dropping light fittings is fatal. Cats never add any value, especially at the wet paint stage.

By Thursday night, courtesy of longer working days than Home Pro could imagine, I was substantially complete and dropped into bed and slept for fourteen hours (I counted).

Friday we moved furniture and got the computers working (always a first step); then converted the other room back into a bedroom. Much clean-up then ensued. Saturday we went to Ikea and discovered why so many people hate Ikea (don’t go on a weekend). We bought a new storage cabinet, a rack for various computer bit and as many things that she who must be obeyed could stuff into a yellow Ikea shopping bag when I wasn’t looking.

Then last week it was tidying up the computer wiring (not yet complete), hanging the curtains that didn’t get hung in the four day extravaganza, cleaning the rest of the house and generally catching up on stuff that had been neglected the previous two weeks (it’s amazing how long cats can go without food if you cover them in white paint). Oh, and I went windsurfing and have the bruises to prove it.

What I didn’t catch up on was this blog, but here we are back again and sorry for the absence. The bad news that there is now a plan to paint the rest of the condo; but I think that can wait a couple more weeks.

Comments 🔗

2013-06-26 | Jan says

3 things

1. Can I borrow SWMBO - I have a friend in dispute with an orthopaedic surgeon who bought his human hip repacements “ON SPECIAL” from B&Q.
2. Job looks a good’n.. I reckon the reason the didn’t quite make it a full day is they did not partake in the statutary 2 hourly tea & fag ceremony agreed between God and every UK workman.
3. Did you get your 500 Bhat back ?

2013-06-26 | Jan says

PS it was worth the wait - welcome back !

2013-06-26 | genuinej says

Very impressive. Both your handiwork and the account thereof.

2013-06-27 | Spike says

3. Yes, variation number two in the invoice creation process.

2013-06-27 | Spike says

I felt a bit rusty writing it, thanks for not highlighting the inevitable mistakes.