One of the casualties of my new diet has been coffee. I wasn’t planning to stop drinking it; I just lost the desire for it after a few days of juicing. I still may have an occasional latte when out and about; but the daily morning brew has gone and my gorgeous coffee machine will be going up for sale. But fate decreed I had not seen the last of coffee….
Sat at the windsurfing club last week, and I got talking with the owner of the Snow Leopard bike. He has transformed his health over the last couple of years by adopting an almost vegan diet and undergoing a series of detoxes. One of his favoured procedures is a coffee enema which stimulates the liver to detoxify itself as well as doing a general clean of the colon. Interesting, I said, whilst thinking there was no way that I would stick anything up my bum, let alone coffee.
But Mr. Snow Leopard is a generous chap and in a couple of days a coffee detox kit and a bag of suitable coffee arrived for my attention. I sat on it for a while (figuratively, not literally), building up the courage to try it, and waiting for suitable timing when she who must be obeyed was not around. I felt that if I told her in advance she would either worry or mock or both, so decided to do it first and then tell her afterwards.
This afternoon she had to go out. I had to deliver her and then collect her; so once she had been despatched I set to work.
Boiled up some water with the supplied coffee and then poured it into the provided enema bag. Was meant to use 1.3 litres, but after 1 litre I had decided that that looked more than enough for my botty to accomodate.
Set up everything in a bathroom (I didn’t want to be more than 2 metres away from a toilet bowl) and finally there was a litre of coffee, my bum, and a plastic tube connecting the two; moment of truth. I opened the flow and the result felt strange but not as unpleasant as I expected. Within a couple of minutes I had a litre of coffee where the sun doesn’t shine and a fifteen minute retention period ahead of me. The phone rang, it was she who must be obeyed.
I’m ready, can you come and pick me up please?
Err, I’m a little busy right now, I can leave in about twenty minutes.
OK, what are you doing?
Actually I have just stuck a litre of coffee up my arse.
Oh. Why?
I’ll explain later. I’ll call you when I leave home.
OK.
Another reason why I love my wife; complete acceptance that her husband will do things that most people would consider completely insane.
Anyway, I massaged my tummy for a few minutes and then turned the toilet bowl into a war zone, before discovering there was no toilet paper. At which point it is probably best to leave our hero and his rather soggy predicament and conclude this part of the story.
Suitably cleaned up, I collected the wife who nodded with mild amusement as I recounted my experiences, but expressed no interest in having a try herself. But the next time we are out for a latte, I look forward to saying “can you guess what this reminds me of?”
Comments 🔗
2013-05-25| Chang Noi saysCan I be our hero? Holy shit dude! We (or at least moi) do not want to know everything you do. Imagine my troubled brain now, well more troubled now. But I think there will be clubs for this ….
2013-05-25| Spike saysJust wait until tomorrow, full photo coverage will be provided.
2013-05-25| Fooling Noone saysYou’re fooling no one Spike, you just wanted ’enema’ on your blog so you’d get the ‘pattaya enema’ searches. Right?
Photo or it didn’t happen!
2013-05-25| biggrtiggr saysDo you take sugar??
2013-05-26| Spike saysFull and detailed coverage next time, including the always popular “in the bowl” shots. This blog has often been accused of being bodily function centric and I like to think that this post strikes a new low. But I can always go lower…
2013-05-26| Spike saysSugar is the devil’s food.
2013-05-26| Kevin Moore saysHad the pleasure of meeting Spike earlier this year for coffee as it happens. I’m returning to Pattaya again in October but if if he suggests we meet in the coffee club again, I think I might just give it a miss. I’m sure I can find more pleasurable ways to bring myself to the attention of the boys in brown.
Boys in brown? perhaps they’re really into coffee too.
2013-05-27| Spike saysNever thought about that… Never mind, we can meet at the “Yellow Delight” juice bar. I am sure that the fact that the owner drinks his own urine is purely coincidental.