We all have our little obsessions, and our other half has to learn to live with them. In some cases these obsessions can trigger the end of a relationship: gambling, alcohol, a need to freely share bodily fluids; the paths to ruination are many. My wife has an obsession, but I find it tolerable; she has a burning desire to acquire stationery, specifically pens and pencils.
This need can be most easily managed by keeping her away from stationery shops. But pass within sprinting distance of a counter selling writing instruments and she is in there like a scribe with a bonus to fritter and the end result is a bag full of pens, pencils and anything else that can make a mark upon a surface.
I am not sure what she does with them all, there never seems to be an abundance There is a small supply next to her computer but they are all broken. Every time I go to immigration to fill in a form, I arm myself with a pen from the she who must be obeyed pen shop, only to find it expires shortly after I have entered my surname on the form; leaving me no choice but to try and borrow a pen from the assorted neanderthals that hang around immigration hoping for a free biscuit (or so it would appear from their appearance).
It’s been a while since she has been on what the support groups call a WISB (writing instrument shopping binge) and I suppose I have become less vigilant than usual. For last night found us in the stationery area of a mall where she wanted to acquire some ribbon and I failed to spot the danger. Having spent more than a reasonable length of time choosing from the three available colours, we put the ribbon in the trolley and headed for the checkout. At least I did, for I started to get a sinking feeling in my stomach that I was alone (apart from three Russian ladies arguing over which bikini to buy, I tried not visualise how distressing they would look wearing any of them). I turned round and indeed she who must be obeyed was nowhere to be seen.
It was too late to seek her out and I just had to wait a few minutes before she reappeared with a big grin on her face and a packet of six pencils in her hand. “2B” she explained excitedly, as if she had just stumbled out of the Amazonian jungle with a newly discovered insect species. I gave one of my well-practised resigned sighs; it’s so hard living with an addict.
Heading home and she announced “I need a poo”. This is another aspect of my wife’s behaviour which I have learned to live with. Her digestive tract exists in a state of precarious balance between apparently inert and needing to explode, like a particularly truculent volcano. Once she announces that she needs a poo (which can happen anytime, anywhere and frequently needs to be expressed in code), then we need to find a suitable poo repository with some speed. Fortunately we were only ten minutes away from home so we could probably avoid the sort of unpleasantness that even a deluxe car valet service is not designed to cope with.
But the “I need a poo badly” noises were increasing and she then reminded me of one of her other little foibles. When in need of a poo, she believes that putting a stick or similar object behind her ear helps to diminish the need. When she first revealed this nonsense, it came in the form of a request: “do you have something small I can stick behind my ear” which, ignoring the thinly veiled insult regarding the size of my genitals, I took to be a rather excitingly kinky request. The reality was significantly less erotic than my imagination; which is usually the case.
So last night I knew exactly what she needed, and I knew exactly how to satisfy her need. I ripped open the packet of pencils and presented her with one which she immediately jammed behind her ear. “See I told you” she announced a couple of minutes later through gritted teeth, “I don’t feel the need any more”.
Which is why she rushed to the smallest room as soon as we arrived home, pencil still stuck on her ear.
“Perhaps it would work better with a 3H pencil?” I shouted through the door; a remark that was swiftly followed by the sound of a thrown pencil breaking against said door. No wonder we never have any stationery.
Comments 🔗
2013-01-06| Grant saysYour charming wife had every reason to show excitement at discovering something as rare and wonderful as a “2B” pencil in the hurly-burly of daily Asian shopping, and clearly she knows her pencils as a connoisseur for the “2B” is a shy and withdrawn creature and often available only by special order. By far the nicest grade of pencil for general use, the “2B” is a smooth and silky write owing to it’s enhanced graphite/carbon ratio compared with the commonly available “HB” with it’s cheap and scratchy brittle high-carbon lead, and which is a poor thing by comparison. Whilst it is true that a “2B” will require sharpening a little more often than an “HB” it is a small price to pay for a truly “Rolls-Royce” write and I commend your wife’s wisdom and choice, and her message to you that you should never have a “3H” pencil in the house in any circumstances unless engaged in draughtsmanship of a very high order. Kindly express my sad regrets to her broken “2B”. (I’ll leave to someone else to make the obligatory Shakespeare quote at this point…)
2013-01-06| Wally says“Is this a dagger I see before me” ?
2013-01-06| Wally saysMaybe it’s a Thai lady obsession thing. Mia me usually buys a pen or three whenever we go shopping - but never has one in her rather large handbag the next time we are out - so more pens are purchased. I am still using the same pen I treated myself to 30 years ago, albeit with the occasional refill change.
2013-01-06| Spike says“Kindly express my sad regrets to her broken “2B”.” Certainly not, it will only encourage her.
2013-01-06| Spike saysThose Bics certainly last if handled with care.
2013-01-06| ChristianPFC saysYour wife is not alone. A female co-worker (ethnic chinese, but born in London) once said: “Shopping for stationery makes me happy.” (I do not make this up, it is true to the word!). I, on the other hand, cannot remember ever buying a pen or pencil (I find pens and pencils faster on the street than I can write them empty), but in a distress situation I had to buy some envelopes in 2003. (At home, my stack of empty envelopes from letters I receive grows faster than I am sending letters myself.) I lost my at that time favorite pen in January 2010 when I was leaving Malaysia via Kuala Lumpur Airport (it must have happened at the security check), I am still mourning.
I have the habit to carry at least two pens with me (a few years ago, I had three, in case I lend out and don’t get it back and one does not write, I still have one left) in my trousers and another one or two in a bag or backpack.
Congratulations on knowing the difference of stationery and stationary.
2013-01-06| ChristianPFC saysedit: difference between
2013-01-06| genuinej saysThis post reminded me of an office which I once managed where the ladies’ loos were frequently blocked. Pencils and bics accidentally falling from users lowering their skirts were frequently found to be the causes of blockages, but it may easily have been sabotage.
2013-01-06| Eric says“like a particularly truculent volcano”
Buahahahahaha! Most of your posts make me laugh, and this was no exception. :) I came for the photography. I stayed for the flippant fecal frivolity.
2013-01-06| Spike says" I came for the photography. I stayed for the flippant fecal frivolity." You sir, are a poet. That’s going on my gravestone.
2013-01-06| Wally saysI had to stop and think about that one.
2013-01-06| Grant saysMessage to “The Son”, please note…
2013-01-06| Winter Cactus saysUmm.. It could be a Thai lady obsession thing as Wally said because I am obsessed with stationery too. Wow… I’ll show my other half this topic so he can see that my case is not unusual ;) And he can see that he’s not alone… Hahaa
2013-01-09| Wentworth saysEvery time I go to Fuji I take a pen if some bastard hasn’t nicked it already. also…… Most Thai females are addicted to Stationary.
2013-01-09| genuinej saysYou mean they like to stand still?
2013-01-09| Grant says…or sit, as the case may be…