Tools of the trade

Nov 20, 2012 · 1693 words · 8 minute read

The resignation of our maid has not only dumped a number of unsavoury tasks in my lap, it has also highlighted outstanding projects which the maid failed to undertake; either because she was a lazy bitch, or because any reasonable person might argue that they fell outside her area of responsibility. But I am not a reasonable person so they are all her fault.

Take my feeble collection of motor racing trophies. Well, the maid certainly didn’t, and they probably have not been cleaned for more than two years. She who must be obeyed opined that this is because I told the maid not to touch them on pain of death; whereas I think the punishment with extreme prejudice threat only related to the nearby 1/8th scale model of a Le Man winning GT40, which even I am only allowed to touch whilst wearing gloves.

So, a happy couple of hours were spent polishing my cups, only to realise that the cabinet in which they stood no longer had working lights. This required a couple of unhappy hours and a visit to the morons in HomeWorks to fix them.

An incursion into light repair reminded me that none of the balcony lights worked. They do now. And so on. The last week has been spent undertaking a number of little projects which in turn seemed to lead to other little projects; none of which would be of any interest to you (or me, really); hence the lack of posts.

The routine housework is actually dead easy. Washing clothes is much less of a chore than I imagined, especially as I took the good advice from your comments and don’t iron anything. I vaguely recall some rules about washing whites separately, and she who must be obeyed thinks it is more healthy that our underwear be washed by hand and not mixed with our other clothes. Bugger all that. Once she goes to work, and is therefore absent from the decision making process, I dump the contents of the washing basket into the washer, press a few buttons and forget about it. Several hours later, I remember and return to extract the damp and slight fetid bundle from the machine and sling the contents onto the drying rack on the balcony. Before she who must be obeyed arrives home I throw the only slightly damp clothing back into the wardrobe. She does later iron the clothes she needs for work, but that’s her decision; personally I have no problem with her going off to work looking like a wrinkled scarecrow.

Cleaning the floor has been less pleasant. Wiping the floor with a slightly damp mop was a pain in the arse. Not so much the wiping, but fiddling with the mop so that it achieved slightly damp status. My initial attempts resulted in a fully soaked mop and a floor resembling an active drainage ditch. Still, a visit to wank central (HomeWorks) revealed a clever device which allows you to dump your sodden mop in a tray and then press a pedal to rotate it at seven million revolutions a second (approximately). The outcome is a slightly damp mop, although I expect the device is unlikely to reach the end of its warranty period without exploding whilst at full speed and showering the cats with shrapnel.

The mopping phase is followed by the vacuuming phase and I bloody hate doing that. The cord is too short and keeps getting in the way. The cleaner is heavy and has to be manhandled around until it runs up against the limit of the cord, and the head is unwieldy. The process hurts my back and threatens my patience. That has to be a better way.

So yesterday I headed to the emporium of household gadgets in search of something better. There were the usual boxes with miles of electrical cord and heavy flexible pipes leading to crappy cleaning heads. But then I turned a corner and there was this:

I had a little frisson of excitement, a bit like finding a perfect vintage Leica in a camera store; this had to be mine. There were a variety of models and colours, but I wanted the red one which of course turned out to be the most expensive.

It’s fucking ace. No cord to worry about, and the rechargeable battery conveniently runs flat after half on hour so there is no danger of doing to much vacuuming. The centre piece removes so you can clean awkward areas; or use it to chase the cats round the house, which is fun.

She who must be obeyed complained about it being red, for some superstitious reason she doesn’t like that colour. I explained, very carefully, that this was my vacuum cleaner and she was not allowed to use it, not even allowed to touch it; although she could look at it and make admiring comments if she liked. She asked if she could touch it if she used my GT40 handling gloves. I really don’t appreciate her attempts at humour sometimes.

Right, I’m off to find some suitable stickers to spice up my vacuum cleaner. Doing the housework is a lot better than I expected, it leads to new toys.

Comments 🔗

2012-11-20 | The Lightweight says
It would have made a really impressive Speedmaster 3000 flying broom at one of Hogwarts school of magic’s Quidditch tournaments.

2012-11-20 | Spanky says
You are a domestic god Spike. You should point out to SWMBO that red is also the color for Monday which means you are only required to do the floors on Monday.

2012-11-20 | The Lightweight says
Apologies for wisecracking, but for SWMBO the colour for Mondays is most likely yellow. Red is for Sunday, and I am not sure Spike savours vacuuming every Sunday?

2012-11-20 | Robin Parmar says
What a great looking vacuum cleaner! Hope it works properly. Most don’t; instead they make a loud sound while redirecting dust from one place to another.

2012-11-20 | Spanky says
Damn it! You are right. I read to quickly. Well now Spike doesn’t need to do floors at all since Sunday is the day of rest.

2012-11-20 | Spike says
I have known women with similar properties.

2012-11-20 | Jan says
STUNNING obviously gone up in my estimation - I thought job number 1 would be find new" lady to do"

2012-11-21 | Wally says
Tip of the day - apply some petroleum jelly (Vaseline) to the cogs and toothed runners on the mechanical bits on the underside of your spinning mop contraption thingy. It will spin faster, smoother and quieter and it will last longer before it ’explodes’ Tip two - mop up all the water you have just tipped over your lounge/bedroom floor when you turned it upside down to see what I was talking about in the above tip of the day.

2012-11-21 | Grant says
Comforted to see that your global reputation as a person of exquisite and finely-honed good taste remains unassailed. Your GT40 is liveried in the stunning black and silver colours of the New Zealanders Bruce McLaren and Chris Amon, winners of the 1966 event in a 1/2/3 clean sweep for GT40’s that year. Well done!

2012-11-21 | Barry says
I once worked for a week in a factory kitchen, and t’was there that I discovered and used a hybrid vacuum cleaner and mop. It wetted and cleaned the floor and sucked up the dirty water, Dashed clever, I thought. It wasn’t red though. Nothing is perfect.

2012-11-21 | Spike says
Already liberally coated with white lithium grease. I am searching eBay to see if there are any tune up kits available which would facilitate higher rpm.

2012-11-21 | Spike says
Chris Amon was my favourite GP driver back in his day; and McLaren and Denny Hulme brought their gorgeous orange Can-Am cars to our local race track one weekend, which was good of them. However, I have to admit I got this one because it was the only one available. What I really wanted was a model of chassis number 1075 which won Le Mans twice and was in Gulf livery.

2012-11-21 | Spike says
“Find new lady to do” on my action list would not go down well with my wife.

2012-11-21 | Grant says
No you didn’t, you really wanted the one you got, from the closest Le Mans finish of all time. Sorry Ken Miles, no-one ever remembers who came second…

2012-11-21 | Spike says
Do you really think that a man who chooses a vacuum cleaner based on the fact that it is red, is going to give a shit about a bit of history? The GT40 looks best in Gulf colours (or red). The finish was staged, and Miles was meant to have been set up to win; but the organisers gave it to Amon/McLaren because their car had started further back down the road. Oops.

2012-11-21 | Spike says
I want one. I could always get it sprayed red.

2012-11-21 | Grant says
Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I accept your total right to be wrong about the colours without the slightest demur. The GT40 I drove was light blue, no, it didn’t do anything for it… I applaud your grasp of the minutiae of obscure motorsport history, although it clashes somewhat with, and to a large degree disproves, your assertation that you don’t give a s**t. The New Zealanders were, as always, trying to be polite in the presence of their colonial overlords but somehow the French got it wrong! Oh dear…

2012-11-21 | genuinej says
Oh, dear. First your thyroid and now this. Obvious symptoms of senile domesticisation, a condition usually associated with the working class in western Europe, and rarely seen amongst the idle retired of south east Asia. Seek medical advice without delay; you’ll probably be referred to your local MRA, (Maid Recruitment Agency). Good luck!

2012-11-21 | Grant says
Just read his words aloud to yourself in Victor Melrew’s voice and it all begins to make sense…