On Sunday morning I was up early for a drive to Bangkok. Wearing my best shirt and second-best pair of jeans, I was comparatively smartened up in order to attend the AGM of our condo; to be held in the offices of our management company.
This was to be the last meeting in their offices, because we have kicked them out and a new company will take over in June; assuming endorsement from the owners at the AGM.
Pulled into their car park with time to spare and headed straight for the toilets. An early start meant I had not had the chance for my usual morning date with destiny and it was with some pleasure and relief that I settled down for what can best be described as a good shit.
Whilst going about my business I exchanged texts with She Who Must Be Obeyed.
*I have arrived in Bangkok. Good! Has the meeting started? No, I am having a shit. Ewwww. *
Poetic stuff.
Anyway, almost time for the meeting so I put away the phone and reach for the toilet paper. There is no toilet paper. THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER!!!
Never mind, I will use the spray thingie that the Thais use. There is no spray thingie.
A lesser man may have panicked at this point; but my years of toilet training kicked in and I looked around for a toilet paper substitute. There was nothing.
But then I remembered that in my bag I had a booklet containing the papers for the meeting. I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say that meeting agenda papers are not absorbent and it took most of the contents of the booklet before I felt sufficiently cleansed in the botty department.
I then discovered another fact about meeting papers. If you cover them in shit and drop them in the toilet; they don’t flush. Instead they form a coagulated mess which sends a very clear message: “Someone has selected pages bearing the letterhead of the company that owns these toilets, coated them with shit, and dropped them in the bowl. Someone doesn’t like us”.
I scurried out as employees of the company were sauntering in, unaware of the horror that awaited them. I spent the next two hours trying unsuccessfully to hide the fact that my meeting papers were much reduced in number. I am sure there were whispers.
Thankfully the managing company were voted out, so I will never visit their offices again. I shall ensure the contract for the new company includes the provision of toilet paper in their loos.
Comments 🔗
2012-04-24| Bob saysWhat? No photos?
2012-04-24| JB saysAlways entertaining, thanks for giving me a good laugh, again.
2012-04-24| Jock saysIf only there had been a hose … had to try that once in Turkey as a last resort … came out looking like I´d just had a shower :-(
2012-04-24| biggrtiggr saysRemember Izal paper?
2012-04-24| genuinej saysBe grateful for small (and especially for large) mercies.
2012-04-24| Bob saysWhat lens?
2012-04-24| Grant saysAnd the lesson? Never, ever travel without a roll of finest fluffy in your handbag…
2012-04-25| Barry saysAlways Seek (the bog paper) Before Sitting. Seek Before Sitting. And yes, I do remember Izal. When I was at school we once had a mock-election during the real UK election, and I was head of the N.U.T.S. (National Union of Teenage Socialists). We campaigned mostly on a platform of having soft toilet paper in the school bogs. We lost.
2012-04-25| Spike saysI’d have voted for you.
2012-04-25| Spike saysPoop 30mm
2012-04-25| Kim Jong Un says
- Open cubicle door slightly ajar.
- Position door between left buttock and right buttock.
- Slide up and down.
2012-04-25| TheSon saysDirty Protest! You ol’ revolutionary, you.
2012-04-25| MeMock says80gsm paper? Possible gloss or semi gloss? No way would I risk the paper cuts. I would have used my jocks, flushed then, and then flown solo for the meeting.
2012-04-25| Spike saysThank you Supreme Leader; your guidance based on your experiences is invaluable.