She who must be obeyed just asked me how long we had been together. This was a rhetorical question because she knew I would have no idea. Turns out she wasn’t sure either and she resorted to her email store of memories. The answer was “almost nine years”, an excellent result because that means there is no immediate need for significant anniversary gifts.
In spite of our extended relationship, I regret I have to announce that I got married to someone else last week; albeit briefly. Fortunately for the sanctity of my genitals, this all happened within the world of Skyrim.
Coming up to fifty hours of game play and I am a top man in my adopted city of Riften. I have a house with a pleasant balcony looking over a stagnant lake, and a housegirl who keeps offering to lay down her life for me, but no more than that if you get my meaning. Time to find a wife.
This is not so hard. First you need to acquire a special necklace. I did this by undertaking a series of quests which involved bringing together lovers who had lost each other. This was a change from the usual challenges that involve beating the crap out of assorted bad guys; but far less enjoyable. Quests done, I donned the necklace and headed off to the local pub. Turns out that the necklace has the same effect as a swollen wallet on Walking Street (allegedly), and I was soon accosted by a tall lady who had curves in all the right places; the only downside being that she had a face like a lion, literally. Still, she had a certain something that made her very attractive to me, and that certain something was a sodding big axe on her back. She would do well as a wife and as a partner on my adventures.
She said she liked me, I said I liked her axe too, and we agreed to marry on the morrow.
And so it was that we met in the Temple of Mara where oaths were sworn. When it came to my turn, I was given the option to back out, but no, heavily armed lion face was the one for me. We were pronounced man and lion wife and I turned to face my lovely bride.
But she was off, striding out of the temple, no doubt wanting to get home and tidy things up before preparing an excellent meal for her hunky hubby.
I sauntered home with the joyous swagger of the newly married. I threw open the door of my house and shouted “honey, I’m home, hope your mane is brushed”. But she wasn’t there. My trusty servant offered to lay down her life for me, again; but I wanted my new bride. Maybe she had gone to the pub to celebrate? But no, and a game week later she has still not shown up.
Bitch; if I ever see her she is going to get an arrow through the heart and I will steal her axe before heading off to marry that very foxy lizard in a nearby town.
Comments 🔗
2012-01-18| Grant saysDoes Riften have Starbucks? Perhaps you could take up the coffee franchise that knocks them out of town. It would help keep your mind off the lion(ess)…
2012-01-18| Spike saysMaybe. But as my total hours are now over 60, I don’t think I should venture there again today.
2012-01-18| genuinej saysYou duplicitous bastard!
2012-01-19| Spike saysIt pains me that I consistently fail to meet your grammatical and moral standards.
2012-01-19| TheSon saysYou realise you were just part of a quest she was doing? “Marry The Dragonborn”. She got a 10GP Achievement unlock for it too.
I thought 60 hours was a lot when we ploughed that into Oblivion. My play-time on Skyrim is … considerably higher than that.
2012-01-19| Spike saysI am going for the “massacre the wife with extreme prejudice” achievement. I am nearing sixty hours; hardly started.
2012-01-19| TheSon saysIt’s a shame there is no co-op, or online ‘visit’ mode (like Fable) where you can go a-fighin’ together. Because I have an axe you might be interested in.
2012-01-19| Spike saysI have just researched enchanting and realised I should not have sold off all that enchanted gear I found… Still, my sneak is now 98 so I don’t have much contact with others!
2012-01-20| Jock saysI can confirm that a swollen wallet on Walking Street … like the bulge in your pants .. does attract attention but does not last very long.