I have a love/hate relationship with my face. I love having one, it serves as a convenient place to hang assorted body parts; but I hate the way that it looks. I manage this problem by avoiding mirrors wherever possible. The morning shave is achieved by squinting, and concentrating on the point being shaved; and for the rest of the day I avoid interaction with all reflective surfaces. Problem solved.
She who must be obeyed is not so lucky. She has to spend her time with me, gazing into the bloodshot slits that serve as my eyes and trying to ignore the train wreck that is the rest of my face. She says I am “good looking for my age”, which is like saying that Fred West was comparatively benign as a serial killer.
Still, I think I have made a recent effort to improve myself. There was the teeth whitening which was very successful for the three weeks before I started drinking coffee again. And I got a new haircut in July. But there is apparently more room for improvement, and my skin is the latest target of my wife’s attentions. Its colouration could best be described as motley, and its texture could best be described as scabby. Not an issue for me; but not so good if you have to look at it.
So she who must be obeyed came home with this:
A pot of cheap cream with a French label, thus making it a pot of expensive cream; and it’s all for me. Naturally, there are instructions.
Place a dab on your nose, cheeks and forehead every morning and before bed.
I can do that.
Then massage into your skin with you ring and middle fingers.
What if I use my middle and index fingers instead, that would feel more natural?
Won’t work.
How about if I use my ring, middle and index fingers?
Won’t work.
How about if I use my thumb and ring finger and employ a swirling motion?
Shut up.
So I do the dab and rub thing twice a day and I have to say I have noticed a difference. My skin is now permanently creamy and when I go outside in the wind, small pieces of paper and tiny flies stick to my skin, which really detracts from the scabs and the discolouration. She who must be obeyed says I look better, but she winces when she says it so I don’t believe her.
Next up, hair tinting and Botox; or it would be if she had her way. My strategy will continue to be mirror avoidance,
Comments 🔗
2011-11-16| Grumpy saysYou know a Burqa may be an option. I personally grow a bread and a moustache to help cover part of the horror that is my face. This also helps with the mirror avoidance since no shaving.
2011-11-16| genuinej saysIs that a brown or white bread, sliced or unsliced?
2011-11-16| Grumpy saysGrey mostly and bread works great when you can’t grow a beard. I think I should stop having beer for breakfast.
2011-11-16| Spike saysIs that brown beer or white beer? Bottled or draught?
2011-11-16| biggrtiggr saysLeg waxing and anal bleaching next………….. but don’t use Domestos,
2011-11-17| Spike saysI love the way you use your own life experiences to serve as a warning to others. Thank you.