Carmaggedon

There are many upsides to living in Thailand and, given my financial position, I would not want to live anywhere else. It is comparatively cheap to live here in most respects; but there are a few items which are painfully expensive and I just have to avoid them.

For example, I would like to sit and enjoy a quality bottle of wine, perhaps accompanied by some cheese, whilst pondering where I might take my sporty little car for a drive once the hangover and heartburn had subsided. In truth, I can do without the wine and the cheese; but I do miss having an interesting car.

The problem is, I come from the UK, a land where there are so many wonderful cars available at prices that would be inconceivable in Thailand. For example, for what I paid for my truck, I could have a Caterham 7; without doubt the most fun for the money on the planet; just like my truck isn’t. It hurts.

The pain was brought sharply into focus this weekend where Central Beach Road were holding the Pattaya Motor Show - Fast to Fest 2011. Unclear about the slogan, maybe ‘fest’ is short for ‘festering’. There was certainly a woeful collection of crap, masquerading as vehicles.

It was a weird show, with odd mixes of vehicles stuck in various corners of the mall. You would wander down a little lane and come across a solitary bike.

Less of a show and more a random collection of machinery scattered around the place. And almost all the machinery was boring. I never felt “ooh, I would like one of these”; just the usual insipidly coloured, overpriced boxes on wheels. There were one or two bright spots. There was this:

A Renault, sponsored by Lotus but, on closer inspection, a show car with no mechanicals.

Then there was this:

A Spyker, the Dutch attempt at a super-car with a little too much glitz for my taste.

But the barrel was being scraped when we arrived at the Mitsuoka stand. Mitsuoka are a Japanese company that take production cars from other manufacturers and re-body them; turning them from the bland to the ridiculous.

Can I interest sir in a Galue?:

Note how a totally unremarkable Toyota Corolla has been ripped to pieces and a body, reminiscent of the worst of Bentley and Jaguar styling, has been tacked on with glue and hope. Imagine how sir will look, cruising down the boulevard in one of these; just ignore those people mocking and pointing.

Or how about this:

It’s the Orochi, Mitsuoka’s attempt to build something that looks like a supercar but actually looks like a soggy blancmange. Mitsuoka describe it as a “fashion super-car”, which helps identify the sort of wankers that would buy one.

But worst of all was this:

Worst, not because it looked any more hideous than the rest of their abysmal range of cars, but because a Mazda MX-5 had been sacrificed to build it.

I’ve owned an MX-5 and it is a sweet, sweet car. Maybe not the fastest in the world; but it perfectly captures the essence of a sportscar, and I have many happy memories of chucking it sideways round roundabouts. I even contemplated one when living in Bangkok, but a purchase price 150% higher than the UK was just unacceptable. So, to butcher one to produce this load of crap is tantamount to vehicular rape. I am appalled.

Went home depressed and things did not improve when we watched Top Gear which featured the new Lamborghini Aventador.

I watched the review in a state of rapture, whispering “I want one” at regular intervals. At the end, I announced that we would be selling the condo and all our possessions in Thailand and moving to Europe where we would live in an orange Aventador and spend the day looking at it. On Sundays we would drive it, if we had enough cash for fuel.

Seemed like a solution until I discovered that the first eighteen months production had already been sold. Back to the jeep then.

Comments 🔗

2011-08-03 | genuinej says

Oh, how my heart bleeds for you. Stuck with a truck instead a Caterham 7! What about the upside? Beautiful and caring wife, (a real bonus at your age), great climate, pension paid on time, lovely pussies and a modicum of skill in photography. You’re not doing too badly in my humble opinion.

2011-08-03 | Wally says

Console yourself in the knowledge that you are probably far better off with your truck/jeep whilst driving on the unforgiving roads in and around Pattaya. I would imagine that Lambo wouldn’t enjoy a very long life span around here competing with the numerous pot holes, mo/cy’s and pick-up taxis. Plus, where would you ‘show it off’, you live in a condo !!

2011-08-04 | Spike says

It’s true, they are lovely pussies.

2011-08-04 | Spike says

True, and our condo already has a Lambo: 2008_05_the-changing-of-the-colours