One of the many joys of living in Thailand is that you never really understand what is going on. The whole country operates in an alternative state of reality, like a bad sci-fi movie. As an outsider, all you can do is observe, bemused and amused, while weird stuff happens. And it doesn’t get much weirder than a general election.
You can tell there is an election on the way when the verges at the side of the road are crammed with banners bearing photos of heavily Photoshopped thugs. Most seem to offer the unsubtle message “vote for me or else I’ll break your nose”. The thug fashion parade is currently in full swing, so I know an election is coming.
I don’t know the exact date, sometime in July I think; but if there is no beer available then that is probably the day. It is necessary to ban alcohol on election days, otherwise the Thais would be so depressed at the appalling candidate choices that they would turn to drink to null the pain. Another sign that it is election time is when we experience a coup. If there is a coup, then count back about four days and that will have been election day, with the “wrong” winner.
There are a zillion parties contesting the election. Only two have a realistic chance of securing substantial votes; the remainder will tag along and offer to join a coalition with one of the main parties in exchange for their detailed manifestos for improving the country being adopted by the government cash.
Each party has a number. This is because the names of the parties sound depressingly familiar. Choose any three words from “Thai democracy nation united love motherland social people” to form a jingoistic phrase; and that is probably a party name. Easy to get confused, so just pick a number.
Party number 1 are Phak Puea Thai.
What they say they will do if they win the election: A plethora of unsustainable handouts to all sections of society.
What they will actually do if they win the election: Steal as much money as possible.
Chances of success: Short term; high. Yingluk (top left in the photo) is Taksin’s puppet sister and therefore has support from the red shirts. Long term; doomed. If Puea Thai win then watch out for them being disqualified on a technicality, or by a coup.
Party number 10 are the Democrats
What they say they will do if they win the election: A plethora of unsustainable handouts to all sections of society.
What they will actually do if they win the election: Steal as much money as possible.
Chances of success: Short term, low. Abhisit (top right in the photo) is a puppet of has the support of the miltary and has been an insipid prime minister. Long term; high, manipulated back into power once Puea Thai have been shoved out of the way.
Party number 6 is…. I have no idea; and they seem pretty vague too with no thug to show on their poster.
What they say they will do if they win the election: No real idea so just sticking up some posters with pretty pictures of water on them.
What they will actually do if they win some seats in the election: Offer the seats to a coalition in return for favours (e.g. cash).
Party number 5 are Rak Prathet Thai.
What they say they will do if they win the election: Join the opposition and monitor corruption.
What they will actually do if they win some seats in the election: Join the opposition and monitor corruption; whilst garnering maximum publicity.
At last, a party that might actually do what it says it will do. No Photoshopped faces and staid stances here, for the ugly mug on the poster is the legendary, loveable oaf; Chuwit Kamolvisit.
Chuwit made his money in the massage parlour business. Up-market massages for up-market Thais where the prices were high and a happy ending was guaranteed. Not entirely legal, but Chuwit paid off the police and everyone was happy.
Then, in 2003, a plot of land near where I was living was violently transformed overnight from an area of hawker stalls to barren land, so that the land could be redeveloped. Chuwit was accused of organising the raid and spent a month in jail. Once released, he was so pissed off with the police for daring to arrest him that he went public with the bribes he had been paying to police, and named names. Also identified were police who had been given free happy endings in his massage parlours.
Now the police were pissed off too, so they started raiding Chuwit’s establishments on a regular basis and he eventually sold off some of his businesses and turned to politics. He ran for Bangkok governor twice, without success. His campaign was not helped when he decided to beat up a journalist who described him as unmanly.
And here he goes again. In spite of having admitted to building his business on the back of bribery and corruption; he is running an anti-corruption campaign with the intention of being in opposition and annoying the government with corruption claims.
In the crazy world of Thai politics, Chuwit seems like the most amusing and, sadly, the most honest, choice. Vote for number 5!
Comments 🔗
2011-06-15| Barry saysA couple of days on, and no one had commented on your most excellent article. So I will. It’s excellent. And I agree with everything you say. And I believe that all the foreigners that are deprived of their tipple during the elections should stage a rally outside Parliament for the entire length of time the bars are closed. They could be called the Brown Shirts, after the colour of the beer.
2011-06-16| MSB saysI am warming to the idea of PM Yingluck. She is easy on the eye and talks (in English) like a bar girl. She will do wonders for the tourism industry……
2011-06-16| geuinej saysI agree with Barry. A really good article, deserving of much praise, but seemingly overlooking the fact that in excess of 99.99% politicians globewide are nothing more than greedy, snout-troughing lying egotistical bastards who will say whatever it takes to get into power and then proceed to milk whichever system they happen to exist in relentlessly for their own benefit. Bastards! It’s not just Thailand stuck with these cnts. Worse still, they pretend to be in politics to “make a difference”. Shoot the f**ing lot of them!
2011-06-17| Spike saysBarry, praise is always welcome, is printed and stuck on a very small wall. MSB, you’re a perv. genuinej, I share the sentiments of your elegantly phrased rant. At least in Thailand they don’t try too hard to disguise their true nature.
2011-06-17| Wally saysBarry is obviously hoping for a preferential discount when he buys your battered old Lumix. MSB plobabry has his own ’election’ every time he thinks about Yingluck (pigeon English intended) genuinej should stop beating about the bush and say what he really means. I’m voting for the lady in number 6.
2011-07-01| Paul saysAfter a recent visit to Bangkok I had to find out who candidate 5 was. Any politician photographed looking that angry holding a baby is worth investigating. Thanks for throwing some light onto the strange. strange world of Thai politics.