End of (Pattaya) days

This will be my last post on Pattaya Days.

It’s been fun; but as from tomorrow I will no longer be around to write my usual nonsense. Some people see Pattaya as heaven; but it isn’t really. The only place that is heaven is, well, heaven; and I am off there tomorrow. Allegedly.

I have packed a small bag with essentials. Camera, Ipad and my complete collection of Calvin and Hobbes cartoons. Don’t think I will need anything else, but can’t be sure because the details are somewhat hazy.

For those who don’t know, tomorrow is the start of the end of days. The 21st May is the day of rapture when true believers like me will be taken up into heaven. The rest of you are in for a hard time. Earthquakes, floods, pestilence and endless re-runs of Paris Hilton reality shows will be your lot. You unbelievers will be wiped out in massive numbers, and any left on October 21st may find it hard to find a Starbucks because God (praised be his name) is going to destroy the cosmos because he is bored with it, or angry, or something.

You may be surprised at my conversion to a true believer; but I can assure you that for the last couple of hours I have almost been reading the bible and have knocked off a quick request to have my sins forgiven; so I should be all clear for a ride to heaven tomorrow. I will be wearing clean underwear.

As for the rest of you; it would be fair to say that you are well and truly fucked. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, it’s not too late to repent. See here for more details.

Sadly, she who must be obeyed will not be making the trip, thanks to her belief system with does not recognise wrathful, cosmos-destroying entities. Not sure where the cats stand, but I am not hopeful (hence the Calvin and Hobbes books).

Farewell my brothers!

P.S. In the very unlikely event that judgement day is deferred, I do have some very nice temple shots that I have yet to share. I will also have a little-used bible for sale.

Comments 🔗

2011-05-20 | The Son says

What utter twaddle - the notion that one couldn’t find a Starbucks should the universe be deleted. Research conducted at the LHC not 3 weeks ago discovered that Starbucks is actually a manifestation the ‘dark matter’ that saturates our reality (occurring when the quantum probability wave of money collapses into a luminiferous state - or ‘Profit Entanglement’). Seeing as ‘im Upstairs is directly responsible for seeding the known universe with all that dark energy stuff, Starbucks must, therefore, be a direct creation of the Almighty. QED. Amen.

Upshot being, you’ll still be able to get a half-decaf-half-caf-triple-shot-caramel-soya-mochalattafrapachino-no-whipped-with-marshmallow-dunkers in Heaven.

2011-05-20 | genuinej says

Thanks for the tip-off. I’ll copy your actions and hope to see you there. As Thailand is 6 hours ahead of the U K I will probably be late.

2011-05-20 | Pete says

With enough Calvin and Hobbes to hand, there will be no need for a Starbucks; you could just use a cardboard box and transmogrify a cup of water. Or, you could turn said box the other way round and use it as a time machine to go back to BEFORE the rapture and get your coffee. Happy 21st May to all, whoever your Dog is (that’s for the dyslexics).

2011-05-20 | genuinej says

I’ve stayed up late specially and it’s now just after midnight here in Shropshire, UK. So far nothing’s happened . Could it be that your info is wrong? You still there? I hope so. The end of Pattaya Days just doesn’t bear thinking about. Think I’d better have another large one, otherwise I might not be able to sleep.

2011-05-21 | Pete says

It’s now past 6pm in Thailand, and it still seems to be - errrrr - Thailand . Unbelievably, it turned out to be a load of bollocks. Who’d have thunk it from such a respectable preacher in America. (Pick your favourite tongue-in-cheek emoticon)

Let’s see the temple shots. You know what you can do with your little-used bible.