Come fly with me

The visit of The Son over the past month has brought me up close and personal with Suvarnabhumi airport; and what a joy that has been.

We drove up to the airport to collect him, arriving round about the time he should have been walking out of customs. Aeons later he arrived, having spent two hours queuing in passport control. Two bloody hours! I understand this is not uncommon. Apparently you can pay 1,200 baht to a little man, who just happens to work for the slightly larger man who organises how many officials will be manning the immigration desks, and that will give you access to the fast track lane. The less charitable amongst us might conclude that the lines are kept long to encourage people to pay up for the fast track.

Then of course he had to run the gauntlet of taxi touts and assorted thugs before being delivered to the welcoming arms of Daddy. Welcome to Thailand.

Let’s talk about the trolleys. When the airport first opened there were not enough of them. If you could find one, you were doomed if you needed to wheel it to the car park. The connecting walkway to the car park was cleverly designed such that the grooves in the trolley wheels would jam in the metal walkway and needed considerable force to dislodge. By the time you arrived at the car you were knackered, and very angry. The latest design of trolley has resolved the walkway/groove impasse by having less of a groove. This is great for wheeling to the car park; but impossible when you need to wheel your cart from arrivals up the escalator to the car park level. The grooves are now too small to properly catch on the escalator flooring; so you are required to push against your trolley and its 40kg of luggage so that it doesn’t roll back and crush you. You arrive at the top of the escalator knackered, and very angry.

Toilets. You would think that the clever bugger who designed the place would realise that millions of people need somewhere to pee. But toilets are thin on the ground, and when you do find one it is usually grubby with broken fixtures.

Never mind, let’s go shopping. There is plenty of that courtesy of King Power Duty Free who have occupied every square inch beyond passport control with shops. I recall that the concession was declared illegal and they were told to get out; but of course nothing happened. Never mind, after a bit of shopping, at prices that exceed what can be found in your local store, you can sit down for a nice rest before going to your gate. Except you can’t, unless you are prepared to sit on the floor in a shop; because there is no seating. You either shop, or stand, or trail down to your gate which is inevitably four kilometres away and probably not open yet.

Finally you are at your gate and can walk onto the plane in comfort. Except you can’t, because you are required to walk down to the tarmac and get on a bus which then takes you on a tour of the airport, driving slowly on the straights and speeding up when going round the twisty bits, presumably for the amusement of the driver; before discharging you back on the tarmac in the blazing sun next to, hopefully, the correct aircraft.

It’s an poorly designed, badly constructed, weakly managed mess of a place and it’s a real shame because this is the first taste of Thailand for visitors. I just want to stand in the concourse and scream “for fuck’s sake, sort it out”, but I won’t because I don’t want to be put on a plane out of here; and they wouldn’t do anything anyway.

But compare with Singapore. Loads of space, with shops AND seating enough for everyone. Clean toilets everywhere, plus showers and an overnight bed if you need one (and I did once and it was excellent). No buses to the planes, no huge queues at immigration on the way in or out; just an atmosphere of ordered calm where I can relax before boarding, which is as it should be. Kuala Lumpur is not far behind, Hong Kong rocks and Seoul is the best airport in the world.

So it is a huge surprise to find that Suvarnabhumi has just been nominated the fifth best airport in the world with a passenger capacity in excess of 40 million category. The awards only list the top five, so maybe there were no nominees for sixth place and below. The airport website trumpets this success under the grammatically challenged “Honor and Award” section. I think they should add the award for “Biggest embarrassment to Thailand Trophy” which I have just awarded them.

Comments 🔗

2011-03-01 | genuinej says

I could not agree more than with your take on BKK. The trial that passport control can be is dreadful, although I find it helps if you can join the line with the fewest Indians in it as they seem incapable of doing anything in the correct manner and invariably cause addional delay through pointless, unwanted debate with immigration staff. Getting through security on departure can also be a ball ache.

2011-03-01 | Billy the Brush says

Oh, shit …. can’t wait for next month then ….

2011-03-01 | Pete says

I suppose I should keep quiet then, as I pass through SwampyBoom business class. Inbound, I get to the immigration desks before anyone else, so have no problem. Outbound, I’m in the lounge having a beer within 5 minutes of being dropped off at the airport.

Can’t fault it, personally.

2011-03-01 | biggrtiggr says

The whole place may be a load of shite……….. but they have the tallest control tower in the world :-))))

I am guilty of phallic symbol envy!!

2011-03-02 | TheSon says

By comparison, Auckland International is a pleasure - friendly and efficient staff, plus they have to put everyone through a biosecurity process that is handled so neatly it adds almost no time to one’s exit from baggage claim.

I fully expect to have to endure another hour of waiting in line when I return to BKK .. the least they could do it crank the aircon / airflow in the imm hall so you’re not standing in a stinking hot room for the whole hour..

Fwiw, the paper we picked up on the flight out had a whole section with people pitching about Swoonabumbag, mostly for the same reasons you mention.

2011-03-02 | Mike says

I must be really lucky then, as I’ve NEVER had to spend more than 15 minutes at BKK immigration (unlike the other end of my flights, at Sydney ….the queues there are horrendous!) Have to agree about the shops, but is n’t that the case with all airports, are n’t they all shopping malls with parking spots for planes ? Which airline takes you out on a bus ? Is n’t that only the budget airlines ?

2011-03-02 | Spike says

Thai Airlines domestic; both leave and arrive via bus.

2011-03-02 | Spike says

In a shameless act of plagiarism, The Nation has an editorial on the problem today: http://bit.ly/dRpBcg

2011-03-02 | genuinej says

Emirates and Qatar use buses extensively at their home bases. Once, at Dohar, a fellow traveller expressed surprise that as the bus ride from plane to terminal was so long, we had not been provided with a snack.

2011-03-02 | Wentworth says

Instead of Pfaffing about at Swammpy I usually parachute into Shan Free State and make my own way over the border jungle style.

2011-03-02 | Billy the Brush says

Jakarta is transformed over the last twenty years; and for the better. Foreigners now have a special channel where service is prompt and stress free so long as one’s shit is in order. The Son is invited to stress test it; so long as he brings his Wordpress skills kit with him.

2011-03-02 | Billy the Brush says

Been to Dubai maybe twenty times; have yet to see the inside of a bus …..

2011-03-03 | Spike says

But have seen the inside of many bars….

2011-03-03 | Spike says

Would expect nothing less from a man with your reputation.