To Bangkok for the biannual meeting with my endocrinologist. At least, that is what I think he is, I just call him doctor; and for the last eight years or so we have been meeting every six months to discuss my thyroid.
After seeing several failures posing as medical men, it was this doctor who looked into my swollen eyes and said “Grave’s Disease”, from which followed three years of unpleasantness and operations. The eye disaster has long since been fixed, but the over-active thyroid gland which kicked the whole thing off has continued to rage; held in check by a small white pill taken daily. And every six month they test my blood, pronounce my thyroid still raging, and more white pills are prescribed.
The hope has been that Mr. Thyroid will quieten down and become well-behaved. But clearly this is not going to happen so last night we agreed on a new and exciting plan; we’re going to murder the uppity little fucker.
We all have our weaknesses. Women, drugs, alchohol, gambling, flower arranging; there is usually something that could be used to facilitate our downfall. With Mr. Thyroid, it’s iodine. He jut can’t get enough of the stuff. He needs iodine to manufacture his hormones; and we rarely ingest sufficient for his needs.
We are going to arrange for him to be, as my doctor didn’t put it but should have, gagging for iodine; by taking me off my little pill for a week. Mr. Thyroid will become extra-excited and will be screaming for some iodine to feed his habit. And then, pause for effect, I will swallow a radioactive iodine pill. Mr. Thyroid will suck up all the radioactive iodine into him; and within a couple of days he will be dead, murdered by radioactive poisoning; just like a Russian spy only smaller and less Russian.
How we will laugh! Got you, you bastard we will scream, before swallowing handfuls of thyroid hormone tablets on a daily basis for the rest of my life (but cheaper and easier than the little white tablets.).
It all sounds most intriguing and it will be the first time I have tried to murder one of my organs, apart from my liver when I lived in Aberdeen. Should make for some excellent blog posts too.
Back to our overnight hotel to report on the murder plans to she who must be obeyed who is distinctly less enthusiastic than me about the idea. She did perk up though when I informed her that I had not yet managed a shit after three days without any action. Imodium is excellent a sealing you up, not so good at letting go again; and several hearty meals were queuing up to escape. I had been consuming orchards of fruit in an attempt to encourage movement; but to no avail.
She who must be obeyed was on the case.
Drink this chrysanthemum tea before bed and you will be OK in the morning.
Chrysanthemum tea is going to make me shit?
Yes.
I know better than to argue with her lunatic ideas so I drank the disgusting tea and went to bed. This morning I spent a very happy ten minutes on the toilet. “Told you so”, she said smugly, with one finger holding her nose.
I checked the package of the tea bag, there were three ingredients. The first was chrysanthemum which was to be expected. The second was Sena pods, which the web told me were an excellent laxative; but not as strong as Sena leaves. The third ingredient was Sena leaves.
She also has some peach tea. Haven’t checked the ingredients yet, maybe it can kill my thyroid.
Comments 🔗
2011-01-28| Pete saysRadioactive pills? Doesn’t sound very holistic to me, Dirk.
2011-01-29| Sid saysBisto has always been good for the shits, does’nt cure it, just thickens it enough to be maneageable !!
2011-01-31| Billy the Brush saysSuggest you deprive yourself of gin and tonic for week, then take a couple of stiff ones laced with radioactive gin and see which organ drops dead. Realise this may not do you a power.of good but you have to think of the potential benefits to medical science. I was thinking of something similar with radioactive diet Red Bull but on balance believe you would make a far better guinea pig.
2011-01-31| Billy the Brush saysSuggest you deprive yourself of gin and tonic for week, then take a couple of stiff ones laced with radioactive gin and see which organ drops dead. Realise this may not do you a power.of good but you have to think of the potential benefits to medical science. I was thinking of something similar with radioactive diet Red Bull but on balance believe you would make a far better guinea pig.
2011-01-31| Spike saysThank you for your suggestion Billy.
Thank you for your suggestion Billy.
2011-08-11| Rocky saysTry to drink normal tea, in Pattaya u can buy it in north BIG C second floor, name of shop Tea Village. Before u go u can visit them web: http://tea-village.com. All u can taste before buy.
Good lick and take care…