There are many situations that men find hard to deal with. Clothes shopping, peeing at a public urinal when there is only one vacant stall, marriage. But the most difficult of all is a weeping woman.
A crying female indicates that there are emotions involved, and we men are not so good when it comes to dealing with emotions; at least I’m not. I prefer to operate in an emotion-free zone. I am, after all, British.
In my working life there were many occasions when a woman would come into my office and shut the door. I could only think of three reasons why she would do this:
- She was going to strip down to some surprisingly risque underwear and propose sex.
- She wished to discuss a confidential work issue.
- She was about to cry.
I used to think about the first reason far more often than was healthy (or realistic), even though it never happened; but the other two happened far too often. In fact the crying option became so regular when I worked in Malaysia that I always ensured that I started the day with a fresh box of tissues on the desk, ready to be wept into.
It was always some trivial issue, usually involving some other woman in the office. For reasons I never understood, I was considered to be a good at personal problem resolution, and indeed I became fairly adept at rolling out platitudes, while inside I was screaming “fuck off and go away and leave me with my coffee”.
Fortunately, she who must be obeyed is not the crying type, she is more of a shouting type. If she gets upset with me she tends to shout. This is perfect, because I can then assume my much-practiced hurt-puppy look and retreat into a corner until she feels sorry for me and comes and gives me a cuddle. Problem resolved.
But she has friends that cry. Oh yes. So I imagine my horror when I returned home to find a friend in full tissue-box consumption mode on the sofa. I briefly considered spinning on my heels and popping out for some clothes shopping; but instead I threw out my arms in what I thought was an obvious “what the hell is going on here and why don’t you leave now” gesture. To my horror, this was interpreted as a “come here and have a hug, you poor poor thing” gesture; and my arms were suddenly full of snuffling female. In my more carefree days this might have been an opportunity for condolences, pity and other lies as a precursor to surprisingly risque underwear exposure; but that was obviously not the case here. My only reward was a wet shoulder and presumably an increase in my “caring man” points score.
She who must be obeyed seems to have achieved a certain status amongst her friends as a problem resolver and comforter. She runs a mobile advice service from her mobile; but now we were apparently accommodating in-house consultancy sessions. The weeping and the advice continued on the sofa, so I made a retreat the computer room and let them get on with it. Then, horror of horrors, they joined me and I was asked for my opinion. The issue was a relationship in trouble and it was assumed that, because I was male, I could bring a male perspective to the problem. How naive can you get?
For a couple of hours I did my best to impart wisdom I did not possess while inside I was screaming “fuck off and go away and leave me with my computer”. I considered what she might want to hear, and told her that. I brought another box of tissues. I pined for a large gin and tonic.
Eventually, midnight arrived, and my one eye on the computer noted that it was time for Steve Jobs to launch the new iPhone. Now this would be something I could understand. The whole event was rather under-whelming, the only saving grace being watching Steve squirm when his wi-fi connection failed.
iPhone launch completed, I turned to the sobbing wreck and explained that I used to use my iPhone as an internet/gaming companion around the house, but now that the iPad had arrived, I had limited usage for a smart phone and would not be buying the new iPhone model. Indeed I would probably dispense with my current iPhone and get something more basic to use as a phone and mobile browser when out and about. And of course she really should consider the new Android phones; the HTC EVO is getting particularly good press.
I sat back, pleased to have given her some really considered advice at last, rather the useless relationship bollocks I had churned out for a couple of hours. She looked at me as if I was mad. The next morning she made up with her boyfriend. I wait to see what phone she buys.
Giving sage advice to a weeping woman? I rock.
Comments 🔗
2010-06-09| Billy says:-) … great stuff
2010-06-09| Lloyd saysCant agree with you about the new iPhone, I think its a vast improvement over the current 3Gs and with the higher resolution screen, which is 78% of the iPad resolution, and better camera with hd video and the multi tasking features it has far more appeal than the current iPad. So much so I have already ordered an upgrade for my wifes 3gs from 02 just hope its as good as it looks.
2010-06-09| Spike saysLloyd,
But last year you wrote:
“My wife bored with the pathetic features and extremely slow message functionality decided to swap her phone for a new Nokia N79. Eventually I threw the phone on the ground and claimed insurance, now I have a iPod touch and Blackberry again, a perfect combination!”
Guess your wife didn’t like her Nokia after all and went back to the pathetic features?
Methinks you just like to be contrary!
2010-06-09| Lloyd saysI ended up having to take a replacement phone as there was more than 6 months on the contract with O2, I’ve been using it in the UK because the package had free WiFi and push emails work nearly the same as the Blackberry.
Like I’ve said I like Apple products, I just think they are as good as a lot of people make them out to be, especially OS-X.
My wifes still in Thailand and loves her Nokia, she doesn’t know, and wont be finding out too soon, about the new iPhone!