Rod is a successful software salesman. We know this because he sits in a shit cubicle and, after offering a 50% discount, he lands a deal worth $1 million. Shortly after, his company is sold to Oracle for billions, meaning his stock options are worth millions. And suddenly he has a start-up company selling solar panels which an investor is prepared to provide with $10 million. Rod has everything going for him; except love.
Enter Natalie. She is an aspiring model who is suddenly called by Victoria’s secret and offered a modelling contract, which means she is now a lingerie model; an ideal potential girlfriend for Rod and his stock options. They hook up and eventually spend the night at a motel.
By this time, we are 45 minutes into a movie directed by James Nguyen. During the week, James is a software salesman, and you can imagine him sitting in his cubicle dreaming of big sales, stock options and a lingerie model girlfriend. And then making a movie about it at the weekend. But this movie is called “Birdemic: Shock and Terror”, and all we have had so far is the totally unbelievable story of Rod and Natalie.
But here it comes. After a night of what appears to have been no sex, Rod awakens fully clothed to find that their motel is under attack from birds. And not just any birds. These birds make noises like dive bombers and explode on impact when they hit the ground.
For no obvious reason, Rod knocks on the door of another motel unit and they meet another couple whose names escape me. The four of them decide to make a dash for a van; but they will need some weapons to fight off the birds. Wire coat hangers are the weapons of choice, until they make it to the van which for some reason is filled with automatic rifles.
There then follows several scenes where birds are shot at by rifles, the no-name couple are killed and a couple of kids are picked up. Their parents have just been pecked to death and they are naturally very upset; until they get in the van and pick up an iPad and then it is all smiles (actually, it was a PlayStation Portable; just wanted to wind up Lloyd) . Some more stuff happens, including nearly being caught in a dramatic forest fire…
…and then they are parked next to a beach. “Hey”, says Rod “there is a fishing line in the back of this van. And a mobile cooker”. How convenient. So Rod catches a fish and everyone else collects seaweed and they are cooking happily when the birds attack again. Oh no! They rush back to the van and cower in the back with a tyre wrench (“hey, there’s a tyre wrench in the back of this van!”). Is it all over? No, because the birds suddenly fly away and that is the end of the movie.
Where to start. The acting is appalling, but then the script is so bad it would be difficult to rise above it. The cinematography is so abysmal, it is too kind to call it cinematography. The opening shot is of the sea, and the horizon is not straight; and it goes downhill from there. The plot is pitiful and full of holes big enough to drop a cinematographer into. And the “special effects”… Oh, the special effects. The birds appear to be animated gifs stuck on the screen. The “Visual Effects/Lead Animator” was an animation student. Judging by the results, he had just been rejected from the first week of the course.
And hanging over the whole enterprise, like a prize winning, steaming turd, is the direction of Nguyen. He gets nothing out of the actors, shots are too long or too short or from the wrong angle. It’s a total mess. You will never see a worse movie.
And yet. And yet. Birdemic is so bad that it is enjoyable. There is not a single dull moment in the whole 90 minutes. That is to say, there is not a single good moment. You are constantly cringing at the awfulness or laughing out loud at just how bad it is. Surely he is not going to…oh, he did!
I have seen many bad movies which I wished I had never bothered watching; but I enjoyed every minute of Birdemic and I urge you to suffer likewise. And you will not be alone. Birdemic is slowly gaining cult status, with even the New York Times giving it a mention.
And coming next year; Birdemic - The Resurrection. In 3D! I can’t wait.
Comments 🔗
2010-05-02| Pete saysI really can’t wait to miss it ….
2010-05-03| bart saysMay 2nd, you’re late of 1 month and 1 day with this joke?
2010-05-03| Spike saysNo joke, it really is worth watching. A ninety minute train wreck.
2010-05-03| Spike saysI have now watched it twice, it’s even worse the second time you watch it.
2010-05-04| Lloyd saysNearly as good as this video…
http://mashable.com/2010/05/04/ipad-microwave/
Such a horrible waste of a perfectly good microwave ;-)