In a previous life I worked in Bangkok. The seventy five Thais I worked with were reasonably proficient at English, the official language of the company. But they had a desire to improve and I foolishly offered up my services as an “English buddy.” The deal was that I would make myself available in the second half of my lunch hour, and they could just roll up and ask me anything they wanted. Big mistake.
As a native speaker of any language, you generally know how to use it, but have no idea why; you only know that it sounds right. But my eager students didn’t just want to know how to speak English, they wanted to know why.
Khun Spike, when should I use difficult and when should I use hard?
That’s a difficult question which is hard to answer. Next.
The cashier has run off with all the petty cash. Should I say she has defrauded us or swindled us?
Both; now call the police.
One of the farang engineers has sent me an SMS with the word throbbing in it; what does that mean? (this from one of my cuter staff).
It means he has a very unpleasant disease, stay well clear.
What’s the present perfect continuous tense and when should I use it?
You should avoid it at all times, it is a sign of disrespect in England. (I wouldn’t spot the present perfect continuous tense if an example was displayed with accompanying flashing neon lights heralding “this is the present perfect continuous tense”. I can cope with noun, verb and adjective, after that I am lost).
What’s the difference between a house and a home?
I could actually answer this one. A home is where a man lives with his wife. A house is where his minor wife lives. I thought that was quite a clever answer, a shame that it was a woman who asked the question.
After a month or so, my staff got the message that I was a useless English buddy, and I was able to revert to my usual post-lunch activity of perusing the on-line dating sites for suitable targets (“post-lunch” in this context could often extend until 1700 provided nobody annoyingly required me to do some work).
The challenge to explain my own language has continued during my life with she who must be obeyed. We soon passed through the “learn the swear words” phase (she regularly calls idiot drivers “stupid twats” without requiring any prompting; makes me proud). But she still comes across new words that need explanation.
Last night there was:
What are drawfs?
???
Spelling is D.W.A.R.V.E.S., as in Snow White and the seven.
I explained.
OK;, so what’s the difference between a dwarf and a midget?
Wikipedia has been my salvation on these occasions. (Cue flashing neon lights?).
Comments 🔗
2010-01-13| genuinej saysIt sounds to me that you were probably a sound English buddy before you sounded off, and I’m very sorry to be picky (again), but the correct spelling of the plural of dwarf is dwarfs, not D.W.A.R.V.E.S., even without the capitals and the full stops. Just for the record, is SWMBO familiar with the history of your modus operandi for targeting potential dates, or is that how you two first came across eachother, so to speak?
2010-01-14| Spike saysI stand corrected, at least when it comes to the spelling employed by Disney. However, I have a preference for the Tolkien version.
Before Facebook there was something called Facepic. Saw this girl who happened to run a coffee shop. First thought was “she looks cute”, closely followed by “Mmmm, free coffee”. The rest, as they say, is history. Never got a free coffee though.
2010-01-14| Billy saysPresent perfect continuous
The general form is has/have + been + present participle
eg
have you been rogering my secretary?
have you been wanting to roger my secretary?
I have been rogering my own secretary, so bugger off
see? … perfect …
2010-01-14| bart saysUsing Disney pictures on Facebook to date dwarf(ve)s in a coffee shop? I knew English teachers in Thailand were sometimes pervert, but not that much!
2010-01-14| Spike saysBart, I think you may have wandered off topic a little.
2010-01-14| Spike saysBilly, does Her Indoors know? And how do you justify a secretary?
2010-01-15| Antz saysSWMBO gets my vote with “Stupid Twat”…. the roads are full if them. Anyway of automating this sounding off - pressing a button every few seconds to hear the recorded “stupid twat” would save vocal energy….. and for the record, I just shout “twat” as I’m driving along…..