Is the typical headline being splashed around newspapers and web pages in a pathetic attempt to attract more visitors; glad I don’t stoop so low.
As is typical in our celebrity obsessed society, the slightest hint of scandal and a horde of wannabe actresses, models, reality TV contestants and professional sluts come out of the woodwork claiming involvement. So when Mr. Tiger Woods innocently popped out for a late night drive and made the unforgivable mistake of driving without shoes (which is a capital offense in Florida) and then bumped into a fire hydrant (which carries the slightly lesser penalty of a fine); it was clear to the world that he was spreading his love around.
The gutter press lept onto the story and it was only a matter of time before they were banging on my door asking if the rumours were true (who the hell sends these anonymous tip-offs?). So I think it is appropriate that I clarify the matter.
Yes, Tiger and I have had communications. I have recently (i.e. yesterday) discovered a series of SMS messages sent to me by him. A couple of examples:
“I want to get rough with you, in the rough”.
“You give me a number one wood”.
So sweet and innocent. Of course, the full collection of these messages are deeply personal and private to me and would never be shared, unless the price is right.
Sadly, Tiger and I never got together. Yes, I was charmed by his lovely teeth and the way he wraps his hands around a club; but for me there would just be a couple too many balls involved.
Please let me know if you need any photos of me pouting in an airport arrivals hall. Usual rates apply.