It is a depressing fact that my language skills are limited. On a good day, I can just about get by in English. After several beers I am fluent in Spanish, although not according to any sober Spanish speakers who may be listening. But communication with the rest of the world must be conducted via sign language and hopeful grunting (actually, I can get by in French; but who the hell would I want to talk to?). This linguistic lapse is no more evident than in my adopted country of Thailand. I did start with good intentions and took weekly language lessons, but progress was slow; especially after I ended up dating my Thai teacher rather than learning from her. In the end I gave up, and just worked on my sign language and grunting.
Luckily, I found she who must be obeyed, whose qualities are many, including an ability to speak English. A degree from university in English certainly helped, but I like to think that I have added some spice to her vocabulary over the years. How proud I am when she exclaims “what a twat!” at some errant driver; how I good it makes me feel when she quotes freely from “Little Britain” (“kerfuffle” is now a regular part of her vocabulary). Courtesy of my regular rants, she has also equipped herself with a full arsenal of Anglo-Saxon swearwords, although when she is REALLY mad, she switches to Thai. There are many reasons I am glad she is my wife, but her ability to communicate to me in my own language without requiring me to learn hers, is certainly one of them.
My friend Nik upstairs is infinitely more competent in these matters. Not only can he speak Thai, he can also read and write what to me are nothing but squiggles. Respect. Which means that the qualities he looks for in a partner do not include an ability to converse in English. And indeed his latest lady (he does replace them with frightening regularity) has very limited English skills. But she is trying to improve and so went out to buy a book. Very soon she was speaking more English, but it was all bollocks, so Nik checked the book. Here is one page:
There is not a single page in the 200+ page book that does not contain a mistake. Even when the English is correct, some of the phrases are extremely inappropriate. Under what circumstances would you need to say “the Jews are in the ghetto”, for example?
I sense a business opportunity here and shall start she who must be obeyed on the task of translating the scripts of Blackadder into Thai as a basis of a “Learn yerself English” course. Throw in a bit of Monty Python and I think we would have a winner.
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2009-09-10| Jamie Monk saysHad to laugh at the “what a twat!”.. My wife is just the same and loves picking up the slang and cruder language from English TV shows and movies… and ditto with regards to learning Thai. I really must get round to that one day…