Ever detest someone just because of the way they talk (apart from the French, obviously)? Simon has that effect on me. He has one of those totally flat accents, not Eton educated, but not Wigan Secondary Modern either. Probably went to a lowly rated grammar school, sent there by his doting parents. I guess father was a dentist and mother a teacher. He was mildly bullied at school, worries he may be a little gay, and has a girlfriend called Susan who won’t let him. He may be a very pleasant chap, but I just can’t stand the way he talks.
But Simon was in my car this week and we were off to visit my friend in Ban Chang. He was in charge of navigating and was doing a pretty good job, with instructions being handed out on a regular basis in his annoying monotone. After a while I got bored with his repetitious route instructions and deliberately took a wrong turn. Did I finally sense a tone of exasperation in his voice when he found me a small side road as a basis for retracing our route? Did he even begin to lose his temper as I ignored this instruction and headed out on a massive detour which required him to recalculate the entire route? No; the bastard just kept on telling me where to go without a hint of emotion.
Eventually I could take no more and I changed the voice in the Sat Nav from Simon (Engish UK) to Maria (Danish). Of course I have no idea what Maria is saying, but I like the way she says it. And I can make a reasonable guess by checking the map, “turn left in 800 metres for sexy times”. You got it Maria.
When I am feeling like being dominated, I switch to Doris from Germany “you vill turn left now yah, or I thrash your buttocks”. Look, look Doris, I turned right instead.
Yes, I finally have a SatNav. I don’t know of anyone who needs one less than me. I only go to places which I already know. So far I have navigated (with the help of Simon and Maria) to Ban Chang, a trip I have done several times already, and to the windsurfing club. But on each trip I have been amazed at how the SatNav knew how to get me there; but this is from a man who is still astounded by the telephone.
It’s almost a year since I went with Antony to Kanchanaburi, a trip we would still be making if it were not for his GPS. Ever since then I have desired one, but could not justify the purchase due to the fact that I would never have a need for it. But now I have the 3GS iPhone, it was just a (rather expensive) click in the iTunes store to download the Sygic SatNav system. And here is something almost as amazing as the wonders of the telephone; the Sygic application for South East Asia is 278 Mbs. And that includes detailed, indexed maps for Thailand, Singapore, Brunei and Indonesia. Every damn road in all those countries, every petrol station, most convenience stores, places of interest, and even the Romanasia restaurant just up the road from my home. Plus of course Simon, Maria, Doris and several other people droning on about when and where I should turn. Genius.
Anyway, Maria and I are off to Central Mall now. I think she is telling me to take my clothes off; or turn right at the lights. Maybe both. The agony of choice.
Comments 🔗
2009-09-11| Lloyd saysI would put money on it the battery gives in before you got half way between Pattaya and Bangkok!
2009-09-11| Spike saysShall we say 10,000 baht?
Simon says: Never run a SatNav in a car without it being connected to a power supply. Couldn’t do without a power supply for a Garmin, wouldn’t do without a power supply for a phone.
Pay up. I thank you.
2009-09-11| Billy saysAre you SURE it has Indonesia in there?
2009-09-12| Spike saysLooks like it: http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2648/3911345490_a1de0e6667_o.jpg
Oh, and there’s a gold course! http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2450/3911346072_5959d59b5c_o.jpg
View switches to 3D when you are navigating.
2009-09-12| Billy sayscertainly looks like the real deal …
nowadays have no problems driving round Jakarta, which requires some rather unusual techniques if you are not to stay in the same position for eight hours - except that other than going to the local golf course or Blok-M pubs - I haven’t a clue how to get anywhere .. Simon could be just the boy for me ..
2009-09-14| Simon saysPlease check your version of Sygic. Recently I came out of the closet as it were. Having broken down and blurted out to Susan that I cannot ignore my little gay feelings anymore, she kindly took it all in good stiff upper lip fashion and quickly organized a Ménage à trois with herself and one of Doris’ good but discreet male friends (Helmut).
With Susan dressed as a teacher and Helmut (the driller)as a dentist I managed to loose my inhibitions and in the process my wanky flat accent. I have consequently peppered the latest version of Sygic with groans, wails and bitten off screams (you wiiiilllll turn left, YES!)….
2009-09-14| Spike saysSimon, I think you need help.
2009-10-04| Jock saysThink Simon will find Susan, Doris and Helmut all metamorphised into one in Walking Street .. I can send you the co-ordinates