Sex and drugs and dickhead death

Pattaya, the city where normal rules don’t apply.

Not true, but there are those here who fail to realise that with varying degrees of unfortunate consequences.

Sex. Take a ramble down Walking Street or one of the many other areas that cater to the flesh trade, and it’s easy to believe that anything goes here. And indeed it is true that you can probably indulge any sexual fantasy that floats your boat (unless it involves a donkey; they are in short supply. Not that I care. A friend told me. Really). But the reality is that Thailand is a very conservative country in such matters. Watch Thai couples together and you will see them holding hands, but no more than that. She who must obeyed is more liberal than most, but it we would never kiss in public; it’s just not done.

Thais are remarkably tolerant of the ways of the farang, and will tolerate public displays of affection to an extent; but having sex in public is a naked bouncy bum too far; as Hashom Abdli from Iran and his girlfriend found out this week. The police were alerted by a large crowd on onlookers on Jomtien beach, many recording the event on their phones.

In Iran, even holding hands in public is banned, so Hashom and his babe must have been delighted to come to Thailand and find they could hold hands. I suspect they even stole the occasional kiss; and with a few litres of alcohol to fire the loins, it was inevitable that one thing would lead to another, as in: Holding hands, kissing, sex on the beach, five hundred baht fine and a video probably uploaded to the internet which even now is being reviewed by the public morals police in Tehran. Enjoy the rest of your holiday Hashom. Good luck when you get home.

Drugs. A relaxed, mai pen rai attitude to sex, alcohol and life; what’s the harm with doing some drugs? Nothing really, apart from the possibility of the death sentence or, the infinitely worse, life in prison. Do drugs in Thailand and you are asking for big trouble; sell drugs in Thailand and say goodbye to the rest of your life. Drug abuse here is a huge problem and there is no compassion for the dealers who are caught. Double the jeopardy if you are a foreigner; it’s bad enough if Thais are screwing up the lives of their countrymen, but if you are a farang… In addition, the drugs trade is rumoured to be controlled by powerful interests who are not impressed by outsiders muscling in on the action, so you are at risk from the law and those working outside the law. But still they do it.

This week we have had three cases in Pattaya. The first was a Norwegian guy who used to be one of those black-shirted police volunteers who wander around Walking Street throwing their weight about to compensate for their small penises helping people. Then there was a British man who was caught selling Yah Ice which sounds like a Germanic pop group, but isn’t. Finally, in a show of EU solidarity, a 21 year old Frenchman was nicked for the same crime. All three will now be in Bangkok helping the narcotics suppression unit with their enquiries and are unlikely to see the outside of a prison cell for some time. Still, it forms the basis for a joke: An Englishman, a Norwegian and a Frenchman walk into a bar and a policeman says “you’re nicked”. Needs some work.

And finally, dickhead death. Just as many believe that they can do what they want in Thailand when it comes to sex and drugs; others believe that somehow the laws of physics and common sense no longer apply, because they are on holiday. So why not rent a monster bike and ride it like an idiot in the middle of the city? Because you will die, that’s why. Just like Michael Dalton who was racing his mate on an 800cc bike yesterday, and ran straight into the front of a truck. More support for Darwin’s theory.

So, Spike’s top tips for an enjoyable stay in Thailand:

1. Don’t have sex on the beach. Not even with yourself.
2. Don’t do drugs, anywhere. Apart from caffeine, in which case stay away from the new coffee stall in Central that offers free chocolates; their coffee is sludge.
3. Don’t hire a huge bike and drive it like a dickhead. Rent a small bike and drive it like a dickhead; broken legs mend eventually.

Stick with the classical dance shows and traditional massage and you can’t go wrong. Apart from dying of boredom.

Comments 🔗

2009-09-06 | MickeyD’sMate says

Spike your a twat. I wish it was ya mom on Micky Daltons bike cause at least her death wouldn’t be a loss to the world the dirty cum guzzling little slut she is. She could then join ya fat dead nan in hell waiting for the bastard son that you are join em. So you can all be sexually abused by saddam hussein together ya little prick.

2009-09-06 | Spike says

Shouldn’t “saddam hussein” be capitalised? Just wondering.

2009-09-06 | genuinej says

Spike,I think you may have upset MickeyD’sMate, but try not to lose any sleep over it. His ridiculous, error strewn rant is barely worthy of comment but, if his biking is anything like his grammar, it won’t be long before he’s joining his dickhead mate. I’m sure a large majority of your devoted readers fully agree with your comments.

2009-09-06 | Billy says

GJ is wrong as usual, as I am right there with MickeyD’s mate …. all Farangs have a God given right to hire large 800cc bikes and drive them into trucks coming the other way, it is an English thing so please respect it … RIP Mickey, your mate with the rather unimaginative line in abuse will join you shortly …. inschallah

2009-09-07 | bart says

I thought the name was Jackson and the truck was drugs. I’m confused now.

2009-09-09 | Savoy Brown says

Seems MickeyD’s mate is making the rounds of Thai based sites where this accident was referenced, swatting at anyone who has a grasp on reality in Thailand… Google is to blame…

Agree with Billy in that everyone should have the right to kill themselves on a big sport bike… Does seem to be a pommie thing though…

2010-04-06 | Andrew Pelt says

I just found this blog a while back when a buddy of mine suggested it to me. I’ve been an avid reader ever since.

Actually, this is not true. I have never read your site because I have never learned to read properly. I also masturbate a lot so have no time for other pursuits. Thanks for removing the spam link; and for writing this paragraph for me.

2011-01-11 | Critic says

Spike , before you make insulting comments, get your facts right, if a truck is on the wrong side of the road what chance has a person got, but then in a country as corrupt as Thailand it is easy for locals to write propaganda. dickhead suits you best, you Twat!

2011-01-12 | Spike says

Dickhead should be capitalised because it starts a sentence, and “twat” should not be capitalised. A full stop after “right” would make your considered piece read better.

Otherwise, good effort.

2011-01-12 | Pete says

With a full stop after “right”, the “if” would then need to be capitalised of course. I don’t think one should put a space before a comma either.

2011-01-12 | Spike says

Good point Pete. We really need genuinej to provide us with the definitive answer.

2011-01-12 | genuinej says

I’ve taken to heart your recent comment that your blog is not meant to be a masterclass in English and will therefore refrain from drawing attention to all but the most serious errors. Happy days.

2014-06-16 | Safari says

How dare you talk about someone like that, that Is a persons life that has been ended. And you have the cheek to call him a dickhead, I think you are the only dickhead here making light of someone’s death, I think you also forgot to mention the way the truck was on the wrong side of the road, you have to be the most ignorant person I have ever come across, clearly have no respect or morals

2014-06-17 | Mike says

Safari, people who recycle 5 year old posts are dickheads too.