Envelope in the mail from the Electoral Reform Services. Could this be the long-awaited call to sit in the House of Lords; Lord Spike and Lady She Who Must Be Obeyed? No, it couldn’t. It’s prompted by my ex-employer, who never does anything in a simple manner if it is possible to complicate it at a higher cost.
In this instance they have engaged the ERS to manage the voting for a trustee of the pension fund. Their job will be to sit in meetings and nod their head while people who pretend to know what they are talking about, and are earning huge fees for doing so, will decide how to invest the pension funds to ensure that I receive cash for gadget purchasing for the rest of my life.
A key role then, and to help me in my voting choice I am given a voting paper, a reply paid envelope in which to stick it, and a glossy blue booklet wherein I can find a page for every one of the eager 23 candidates. Each page features a photograph and some words from the candidate, presumably meant to encouraging me to vote for them. Let’s see.
A first scan through to spot the obviously brain dead or plain frightening; the sort of people you would not leave alone with your children or, in one rather obvious case, would not let stand behind you. That eliminates seven candidates, why did they even bother?
Then there is the only lady in the bunch. The fact that she is female makes no difference to me, and indeed her credentials are good; but then at the end of her write-up she plays the gender card and dares to mention the word “diversity”. So I should vote for her just because she is a woman? Eight gone, fifteen to go.
Having warmed up on “diversity”, it is time to eliminate those who use unacceptable words. “Quango”, “holistic”, “opera”, “chartered accountant” (x3). Six more potential trusteeships in ruins.
Next we have the bunch who think we give a shit about their family life; as if the fact they have been married for seventy years and have a zillion grandchildren will make them care more about my pension. And the guys who waffle on for more than a paragraph about their hobbies. Growing vegetables or showing a recreational interest in economics does not impress. That’s another seven crossed off the list.
Which leaves us with two. The first tells me: “I think I have a little uncommon sense”. He thinks this is clever, I think it means he is both arrogant and stupid. And the kiss of death, he comes from Lowestoft. Fail.
So we have a winner. A man with face that looks like it has just staggered out of a pub and would be happy to drag you back in to join him for a pint once the photo has been taken. A man who highlights the “derisory” pension increase we received this year (which of course he could do nothing about, but at least he pretends to care about the right things and doesn’t witter on about his love of DIY and his adorable granddaughter).
I am somewhat disappointed that he failed to mention the urgent issue regarding the rising price of bananas in Jomtien, but Mr. Just Staggered Out Of The Pub gets my vote and I put a big X against his name. Then I read the small print and see I was meant to put a “1” for my first choice.
Spoiled ballot; but I cannot let my rights be squandered, so I write “Just give us more money you capitalist bastards” across the ballot paper, pop it in the envelope, and feel the warm glow of democracy spread through my body.
Comments 🔗
2009-08-10| Camberley saysYou actually read the biographies (if not the instructions), I am impressed. I did it the other way round.
2009-08-11| Spike saysPlease clarify. Are you saying you voted first, and then read the instructions, or were you just noting your sexual preferences.