A (yellow) message in a bottle

Went to Bangkok on Monday to meet a friend. The trip turned into a personal logistical nightmare.

I used to work in Bangkok and there was a degree of ritual involved in the inevitably slow journey home at night. Before getting into your car, you went to the toilet and had a pee. Even if you didn’t want one, it was best to check. Then, even if you spent the next two to three hours in gridlocked frustration, at least you didn’t have to worry about seeking out a urinal in six lanes of traffic.

On Monday, such thoughts were far from my mind as I headed off for Bangkok. Indeed I had a couple of bottles of water in the car to keep me hydrated during the journey. In two hours I was looking forward to arriving at my destination, ready for lunch.

Two hours later I was still on the edge of Bangkok having driven very slowly through a massive rainstorm. One hour after that I was stationary in a lake which used to be Rama IV Road. Now it was a very watery line of cars going nowhere. It was at this point that I realised that I needed to pee, very badly.

For a while I thought I could tough it out. During this time the line moved about 10 metres and I estimated it would be dark before I could park and pee. I was either going to die from exploding bowel syndrome, or I was going to need to pee in the car (I had already discounted sticking part of me out of the window).

I took stock of the situation. The glove compartment did not look watertight, and the cup holder looked unable to hold the volumes required. It was going to have to be the now empty bottle of water. Trouble is, even though nobody has ever accused me of being hung like a horse (hung like a water vole is more accurate), the neck of the water bottle was too small to be accommodating; so there was going to be a potentially messy procedure involving aiming and shooting.

Then there was the issue of privacy. I don’t know about you, but I am not at my best in the peeing department when I am being observed, especially if the observers happen to be a bus full of Bangkok schoolkids who just happen to be passing. Try explaining that away in court. Some form of barricade was required.

And so ‘fort urinal" was constructed out of carrier bags, a T-shirt, and a soon to be soggy copy of Practical Photography. Then I waited until the vehicles on each side of me were smallish saloons, thus limiting viewing access to my flimsy construction.

I will spare the details of what happened next. Suffice it to say that my trousers and underwear were relocated to my knees, the water bottle was roughly aligned with the part of my body from whence pee would emanate, the sensitive areas were approximately shielded with the barricade of bags and magazines; and then the traffic cleared.

Instead of peeing, I suddenly found myself speeding up and passing through some traffic lights; operated by policemen who were strategically standing right where I would pass. The acceleration of the vehicle collapsed the construction, and I drove past a Bangkok policeman with my pants round my knees, my genitals on display alongside a jauntily placed water bottle. Suddenly I didn’t feel the need to pee; I just didn’t want to be arrested.

Fortunately the traffic cleared from this point and it was just a matter of pulling up my trousers with one hand, driving with the other, and heading for the nearest car park and relief.

Next time I go to Bangkok I will take a bucket.

Comments 🔗

2009-05-01 | Jock says

Are you taking the piss? Or not as the case me be. Hilarious because it is obviously true.

2009-05-02 | John says

I gotta say I make it a daily habit of reading your blog. It may not have to much of the Thai cutie angle but I do love your humor.

2009-05-02 | Spike says

Thanks John. Glad to hear my attempts to pee in a bottle were not entirely wasted.

2009-05-04 | Savoy Brown says

Been in the same boat many times, except when flying legs of a flight by myself… Used to carry a little device just for this purpose, much like a bedside urinal you would find in a hospital except with a screw lid… Cheap and handy for those cross town jaunts across Bangkok…