At last, a cure for baldness

I am sure you are familiar with advertisements which feature photos similar to the above. Sad, desperate men who find they are losing their hair, are encouraged to spend large sums of cash on snake oil, massagers and assorted other paraphernalia which have been scientifically proven to promote hair growth. None of them work, and the men are just as sad and desperate, and now they are also poor.

For those of you who are trying to put off the inevitable day that you will lose all your hair and become an emasculated shadow of your former self; like, say, Bruce Willis; worry no more. I am pleased to announce the Pattaya Days hair loss cure.

It is an appropriate day to launch the new product, as it is exactly six months since I started on my cure, although I didn’t know it at the time. Six months ago I was simply engaging in a very ordinary comprehensive car crash which landed me in hospital with a broken back. But as part of the car crash experience, I also managed to lacerate my head against what remained of the roof of my car, and rather neatly almost removed my scalp. Kinda incidental to breaking my back, and a passing doctor sewed back my scalp with one of those sewing kits you find in hotel room drawers. Once they had mopped up the blood and taken out the stitches, I thought no more of it.

But here is the strange thing:

At the time of the accident the top of my head looked a bit like the “before” in the picture above. Of course my head is a far nicer shape, and the colour of my hair is, how can I put it, more mature. And actually my bald spot was a little bigger. But it didn’t worry me. I couldn’t see it, and there are enough problems with the rest of my features without worrying about less hair than there used to be. And it provided amusement for she who must be obeyed on occasions; so it really wasn’t an issue.

And so it wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago that she who must be obeyed pointed out that one of her topics of mockery had been eliminated. The the bald spot had gone and a fine head of hair, albeit still maturely coloured, covered the top of my head. It’s a miracle!

Ripping off the scalp and re-attaching it seems to encourage hair growth. It’s only a small step from acquiring this information (patents pending by the way), to developing a commercial product. And so a product is only weeks away from hitting an eager market.

I envisage an attractively packaged, reasonably sharp and reasonably sterile knife. There will be a 28 page user guide, 27 pages of which will be disclaimers. Page 28 will contain the instructions.

!. Book into hotel 2. Drink. A lot. 3. Take knife. Wash carefully (Optional step). Slice neatly across scalp. 4. If all that results is a crewcut; try again, only lower. 5. Take sewing kit from hotel drawer and sew things up as best you can. 6. Hide blood soaked towels and have a nice cup of tea. 7. Wait six months.

If you would like to invest in this exciting business opportunity; get out your cheque book. I’ll bet that Bruce Willis guy will be first in the queue. I am you are going to be rich!

Comments 🔗

2009-04-22 | genuine j says

I have to question the veracity of this post as the bloke with more hair also has more left ear, and a bigger head.

2009-04-22 | Spike says

It’s probably a fake; designed to sell “cures” that don’t work. That’s not the point. “My” cure works. If you don’t believe me, get yourself a kitchen knife and a needle and thread and give it a go. Don’t forget to take photos.

2009-04-22 | Billy’s Manservant says

Mmmmm …

… convinced that the step after, “drink, a lot” should in fact be, “get into your highly overpowered Japanese boy racer car and put it through an innocent looking puddle at around 160 and see what happens ….”

… but then, what would I know, still having a full head of hair without surgery of any kind :-)

2009-04-22 | Camberley says

Now I don’t make a habit of looking at blokes’ bald patches, but the one in the picture doesn’t look real. In fact it looks more like someone with real hair having the colour of the top of their head photoshopped.

Not to take away from your very effective cure Spike, which I have no intention of trying by the way.

2009-04-22 | Jock says

Spike I’m tempted … but first of all we need the before and after shot’s of Spike’s helmet … and be careful with the colour touch-ups … black and white photos will be quite sufficient in your case ..

2009-04-23 | Pete says

Looks like the chap has had the same shirt on for 5 months as well.