A packet of wafer biscuits

Every year I receive a letter from the pension arm of my previous employer, advising me of the increase in my pension for the following year.

Even though my pension is paid is sterling, it arises from years of sweat and toil (aka lazing about) in foreign countries; in my case mainly Asia. So it would be reasonable to assume that any increase would take account of global conditions.

And so I tore open the envelope today and looked forward to a message along the lines of:

Dear Spike,

Given the current pathetic performance of sterling in world markets, and the clear inflation in your part of the world, we think it is only reasonable to increase your pension by 35%. Please spend it wisely.

Love and kisses,

Your pension buddies

Instead what I got was:

Dear Spike,

According to our calculations (which are a secret and are based on the cost of items that do not increase in price), UK inflation was 0.9% last year. Your pension has therefore increased by that amount, which will be enough for a small packet of wafer biscuits every month. Eat them slowly.

See you next year sucker,

Your pension nazis

Personally, I blame Billy who continues to work for the organisation but is clearly not pulling his weight and propping up the pension fund to the extent required to fund my hobbies.

Get your finger out Billy, or at least send me some more biscuits.

Comments 🔗

2009-03-25 | Billy says

Spike, they are on their way, water biscuits regrettably, as they are the only free ones left in the Great Pecten’s canteen here in the Centre of Excellence following yet another cost cutting exercise.

2009-03-26 | The Son says

Didn’t your previous employer make about a hundred bazillion dollars last year? I remember the news stories.

2009-03-26 | Spike says

A hundred bazillion and two. I am getting the two. The hundred bazillion goes to pay the overly generous salaries of people like Billy; and to keep the fascist bastard shareholders happy by giving them dividends they don’t need to maintain their comfy lifestyles. Meantime, pensioners like myself are starving in the gutter (aka eating mango in a nice condo in Thailand and playing with my Mac Pro). It’s a disgrace. I blame George Bush, and that man with the strange glasses.

2009-03-27 | Billy says

What we say in the Great Pecten is, yeah, great but what have you done for me recently?

So, shape up - and stop fantasising about guys with strange glasses or we will outsource you to a pensioner in Mumbai who doesn’t even know what wind surfing is ….

2009-04-07 | webkatalog says

Since when do you have a blog?

2009-04-07 | Billy says

Ah, clearly a foreigner, total tense failure … leave the rest to you ….

2009-04-08 | Spike says

Billy has had a blog since before the word was invented. Since before the technology was invented and he had to call it a newsletter. In fact he called it “Out of Africa”, given that he was living in some shithole in Angola at the time; although that made for some hilarious stories.

His current blog has records dating back to 1994.

Guest writing on his blog gave me the enthusiasm to start this one. So it’s all his fault.

I trust the above answers the question “Since when did you have a blog?”, even though you didn’t quite ask that. Just be aware you are in the presence of a master. Respect (and do that thing with your fingers).