Receive a mail from a man called Jan who is concerned about my safety. He suggests I should carry a rolled-up copy of The Telegraph under my right arm so that I can be spotted in any TV news reports.
With a name like Jan, it is entirely possible he is actually referring to De Telegraaf, which I am sure is a very fine Dutch newspaper. But the UK offering, The Telegraph, is a right-wing rag. Blackadder would remark that it was soft, strong and totally absorbent, ideal for wiping your bum on, but little else.
The ongoing crappiness of The Telegraph was confirmed this week when a lady named Francisca Kellett decided to list the twenty most dangerous countries in the world; and Thailand came straight in at number seven, just behind Sudan and ahead of such charming locations as Haiti, Nigeria and Zimbabwe.
But you know, she’s right. This weekend we visited a local market and there was this suspicious undercurrent of goodwill. People were relaxed, smiling and friendly, a sure sign they would slip a grenade into your shopping bag if you relaxed your guard for a moment. I was rattled, I can tell you. Sure, there are loonies at the airport, but the rest of the country carries on life in the same charming way it always has, very suspicious behaviour under the circumstance and entirely deserving of a travel advisory.
Contrast and compare with the last time I visited Nigeria, languishing at number fifteen on the list. We had a convoy of armed guards to get us from the airport into Lagos, an indication of the warm welcome the Nigerians give visitors. Two men on my aircraft spurned such obvious displays of hospitality and were found with a bullet through the head by the side of the road the following morning. The guest house I was staying in had staff sleeping under every barred window at night to listen out for potential raiders. The food was stringy chicken or stringy chicken. The beer was good though and I drank a lot of it.
I have never been to Haiti or Zimbabwe, but I am relieved to hear they are less dangerous than Thailand; maybe I will book a tour next year, the voodoo and cholera special.
Comments 🔗
2008-12-01| Jock saysWhere was Saudi on that list? Or Doha for that matter. Both are imminently better places to live than Nigeria but I have to sadly admit that Nigerian beer (although crap) is better than anything Saudi has to offer which is either fruit flavoured canoe beer or some botched attempt at home brew by some novice trying to add back the sugar and yeast and create something that will leave you with a hangover … and normally does.
But no way is Thailand as dangerous as Nigeria … even judging by last nights news Bangkok is still a lot safer than places like Jos … and that’s by no means the worst city in Nigeria !!
2008-12-01| Billy saysTelegraph? …. only daily paper left worth reading though even it is developing socialist tendencies since “call me Dave” arrived on the scene.
My plan is to retire and spend my days writing my own online broadsheet (it will only be properly viewable on a minimum 24" monitor which should keep most of the hoi poloi out) and will be especially hard on wingeing expats who don’t pay UK taxes thereby making the bailing out of banks, car manufacturers and the like so much harder.
Legislation will be proposed which will have them instantly identified and flogged in the event they should ever set foot in Thiefrow by a phalanx of the specially trained Sikh Immigration officials who seem to have taken over the place.
God, that feels better already, roll on retirement.
2008-12-02| Spike saysSaudi wasn’t on the list; but stories I have heard from people who have worked there indicate that it can be extremely dangerous out in the countryside.
Billy, it is clear from your sentiments that you are a Telegraph reader. And when is the last time that you personally paid any income tax? For me, it was 1984.