I should have spotted the warnings yesterday evening. A trip to a local mall and a gang of youths outside were erecting a series of scruffy plastic Xmas trees, complete with flashing lights, static lights, lights that also played music and, most prevalent, lights that failed to do anything within five minutes of being switched on.
So it should not have come as a surprise this morning when she who must be obeyed dragged me out for a coffee (her treat on a Sunday), to find that the piped music featured ancient crooners croaking the delights of log fires, sleigh bells and a boy child slumming it in an inn while creepy old “wise” men fell over obstacles whilst trying to follow a star that was not actually moving. Yes, it Xmas music time again.
I bloody hate Xmas music. It’s trite rubbish with wanky lyrics and soulless sounds. Plus, my ears have been assaulted by this crap in various forms for as long as I can remember, so it’s just the same old stuff regurgitated year after year.
But there has been a new horror unleashed over the past few years, the dirge of the tuneless children. Some bastard has herded a bunch of tone-deaf kids into a room, handed them sheets of Xmas lyrics, and made them “sing” over an accompaniment recorded on a bottom-of-the-range Casio organ. No one gets out alive until “A child’s magical Christmas” is finished recording and copies are rushed out (at a bargain price) to Tesco’s shopping centres all over the world.
And then we have to listen to it. None of the children can sing, they are all at different stages of adenoidal development, and each hits a different note such that the combined effect is one of perfect discord. It’s vile, and it goes on for weeks.
Somewhere, there is a recording studio that is churning out this crap. Every year I resolve to hunt down the location and insert an Xmas tree, complete with flashing lights, into an orifice of the owner. Peace and goodwill to all men, apart from the one with a twinkling fir tree protruding from his bum.
Comments 🔗
2008-11-16| Pete saysSounds like you’re having a bad weekend. If it’s any consolation, I’ve actually got to be back in the land of Christmas, flu and euros (Frog version) by mid-December. For all of four months. I’m dreading it.
2008-11-16| Spike saysFour months France Winter
A trinity of woe!
2008-11-16| Jock saysI hear all the crap is coming from Uzumulu thus year so I suggest you go there with your twig ….
2008-11-16| Billy says
2008-11-16| Billy saysmmmm … it didn’t like my HTML …
2008-11-16| Billy says
2008-11-17| Spike saysI don’t like your HTML either.