Time to bring my ailing iMac back to life. Problem was that I had no nurses and no appropriate screwdrivers.
In predictable fashion, I had received nurse application forms from the cats. In their ongoing quest for entertainment to supplement their usual daily routine of eating, sleeping and destroying furniture; they had closely followed the anesthetising of the patient (I unplugged it) and the careful transfer to the operating theatre (a blanket on the bed in the back bedroom). They were therefore poised for heavy involvement in the upcoming operation to resuscitate my computer. However, their application forms indicated a willingness to eat crucial components and spread cat hair over the innards of the patient, so instead of hiring them I banned them from the room which generated a simmering resentment which lasted for the remainder of the day.
Next problem was the screwdriver.
I have a large collection of screwdrivers, mainly acquired when I lose my current collection, buy more, and then find those I have lost; and unite them all into a super new collection that bewilders she who must be obeyed who understands the need for endless handbags but not for endless screwdrivers. Women…..
But I didn’t have a torque screwdriver, a little star-shaped device to remove the perfectly honed screws with which Apple had constructed the iMac. So it was off to Tuk Com where I acquired the required new hard drive and then took myself to the store in the basement which offers all manner of hardware, from replacement washing machine parts to mobile phone keyboards. They were holding a special sale of instant noodle packets, which seemed out of keeping with a hardware theme; but I forced my way past the Shrimpy Delicious Mega-Pot Noodles (contains some MSG) and found the screwdriver section.
You can buy real screwdrivers in real screwdriver shops, where the business end is special, case-hardened low carbon steel. The end is usually black, perhaps hinting that this particular screwdriver had been treated in the furnaces of the underworld by case hardened goblins to produce a metal so hard you could rightfully call it the Vinnie Jones edition. The screwdrivers in Tuk Com are not like that. They are made of a material with a hardness factor just above putty. The ends are black because they have been treated with a single coat of black paint which collapses into flakes the first time you use it. But they are only 60 baht, so I bought four and hurried home to the patient.
A hushed air descended over the operating theatre as I made the first incision, a hush broken only by the cats bitching outside the door that they were not involved. Six screws and the case was opened.
Then the cover was flipped back to reveal the internals and I had my first shock. I had spent at least an hour watching some spotty-faced American teenager precociously, yet expertly, ripping his (or his unsuspecting father’s) iMac to pieces. I had watched the ten minute YouTube offering over and over again until I knew all the moves. But his was a 17" iMac and mine was a more manly 24", and it looked entirely different once you got inside. But I was not to be hindered by something as trivial as a total lack of expertise or knowledge, and soon there was paint flaking off screwdrivers and four screws were removed which I assumed were holding the monitor screen in place. They weren’t, so I removed four more and finally the screen could be folded back to reveal the intestines of the beast.
After the trauma of manoeuvering a sodding big monitor screen without ripping off the connecting wires, the next step was quite easy. Take out the old hard drive, remembering first to remove a temperature sensor, and then screw in the new one.
Then it was a matter of remembering how I had taken it to pieces and putting it back together again. I only had a small piece of cushioning material left at the end, probably over-engineering by Apple, so I didn’t worry about it too much. Stick in the install disk, restore everything from my last save and in an hour or so it was back to normal.
I was smugly celebrating my success when one of the cats, slowly and deliberately, threw up on a nearby rug. Clearly an act of revenge for being excluded from the operation. Do I need to say that the cats are female? Women…..