Having dragged she who must be obeyed to Bangkok last week to watch The Dark Knight for a second time, it was only reasonable to take her to watch a movie of her choice last night. But what a choice….
The first Mummy movie, almost ten years ago, was a load of fun. A different take on the Indiana Jones type adventure with a witty script and plenty of action. And Rachel Weisz.
The second Mummy movie tried to outdo the first one and failed. It also managed to include some of the worst special effects in motion picture history, attached to one of the worst actors in motion picture history, The Rock. Although it did have Rachel Weisz.
Clearly this was a franchise that should have run it’s course, but for some unknown reason (the pursuit of profit?), Hollywood decided to drag out another offering; and we went to see it last night.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is the worst film I have seen for a long, long time. The script was banal; it’s as if every action has to be explained to a four year old; “they are getting away, we will have to go up these stairs and see if we can catch them; otherwise the world is doomed.” Trouble is, nobody gives a shit if their world is doomed because the cardboard actors deliver the leaden script as if they are auditioning for, and will surely fail, an amateur dramatics audition. We want their world to be doomed so we can stop wasting our life watching this dross, and go home.
Apparently the studio threw $165 million at this movie, and you can see where it went. Huge set pieces, endless special effects; some quite well done (apart from the fake snow which is clearly just bits of foam). But it’s all in vain, because the pathetic story, moronic script and appalling acting means that you just don’t care what happens. By the time the preposterous Yetis show up, you don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or see how much popcorn you can stuff up your nose (I managed three pieces).
She who must be obeyed thought it was rubbish too, so much so that we almost agreed to walk out; except I was having trouble getting the popcorn out of my nose so had to stay in the dark for a while.
And no Rachel Weisz.
Thank goodness Wall-E is coming soon.