The news is running with blood. A man decapitated on a bus in Canada. A girl chopped up and put into a suitcase in Brazil. Honeymooners attacked in Antigua. Mass murder and accusations of ethnic cleansing in Pattaya.
Police were called today to a condo in Pattaya to witness the scene of the killing. In the kitchen sink they found traces of multiple bodies. A representative of the affected commune, Khun Adam Ant, told police what had happened.
Apparently the owner of the condo, legally known as Spike, but referred to by his wife as Haveyoudoneityet, was in the habit of eating a breakfast of cereal, banana and yoghurt. He then placed the empty bowl in the kitchen sink and deliberately left it there for several hours while he disappeared into a back room to “write my stupid blog.” The bowl, encrusted with breakfast residue, was inevitably visited by large numbers of the commune who could not resist the flavours on offer.
Without warning, Spike would return to the kitchen, utter a war cry which sounded something like “furkinants!”, and would then immerse the bowl in hot soapy water, thus murdering the commune members. Khun Adam explained that this ritual slaying had been going on for years, but this morning things had taken a sickening and perverted turn for the worse when Spike had photographed his innocent victims before butchering them in cold blood (or rather, in hot soap).
Khun Adam Ant was adamant (Ed: sorry) that these acts were ethnic cleansing of the most evil kind. However, Pattaya police representatives, after accepting a donation for the police widows and liquor fund from Spike, declared this to be a clear case of suicide.
Asked for a comment by local reporters, Spike replied “100mm macro lens, ring flash, 1/300 second at F16, ISO 200. Furkinants.”