Extra donker and a promise of umbala

A surprise parcel from the Netherlands containing three packets of bread mix (well that is what is says on the packets. Coming from Holland, it could be a variety of substances).

This is an unexpected and very kind present from Billy the blogger’s wife. She is referred to as “Her Indoors” in his writing, but I will refer to her as Santi, for that is her name. Thank you Santi for your very kind thought. And commiserations on having to put up with Billy. Having worked with him for several years, I have an inkling of what you must be going through.

I am going to cook the “Boeren Brood” first because it contains extra donker, and as we all know, you can never have too much donker.

So, here are the three packs of brood, plus a couple of other items, and a cat who likes to be involved in everything in case she can disrupt events; which she did by knocking over the boxes a couple of seconds after I took the shot.

On the left is a box of Kellog’s gravel and vomit chunks breakfast cereal; at least that is what it looks like. I picked it off the shelf at the supermarket. The wife enquired why I would want such a thing. “So I can blog about it” was the obvious response. I will have to eat it first, report to follow.

Before explaining the Colonix package, we need to agree on some terminology, so as not to upset those of a more delicate disposition.

When discussing sensitive subjects, my wife and I have developed some codes. Should we come across a young lady of an obvious profession it is not polite to say, “oh look, there is a prostitute.” Instead they are referred to as a chicken. A lady selling herself in a freelancing manner is known as a free-range chicken. A male version is a duck. All very useful terms. Another socially challenging situation arises when we are sipping coffee in a coffee shop, discussing current affairs and nibbling delicate biscuits. Should the need suddenly arise to visit the lavatorial facilities it is not acceptable to shout out “damn, I really need a shit.” Instead, courtesy of a friend who has worked for some years in Nigeria, we refer to this bodily function as an umbala.

Having got that out of the way, we can discuss Colonix. I have a friend who studies and practices what could be summarised as alternative medicine. Chinese herbal remedies, meditation, acupuncture; he has tried them all and is convinced of their efficacy. Included in his list of good things to do is attacking your colon and cleaning out all the years of waste that have accumulated on the lining. The Colonix treatment is what he uses and he persuaded me to buy a treatment. For 30 days you consume the pills and the teas contained in the box. The treatment removes all the ancient umbala from your colon, making you fresh and pure inside. Of course, all the old umbala has to go somewhere; which means you will be spending many smelly hours in the toilet producing monster umbalas. When I go to the toilet I like to check my mails and maybe browse a magazine. Spending my time performing functions which would not be out of place in a horror movie (Umbala Unleashed - The Director’s Cut) is not my idea of fun; but I will get round to it and there will be a full report here, maybe even photos. You have been warned.

Comments 🔗

2008-07-13 | Billy says

Happy to report that my Dutch-English dictionary offers me the following alternatives for Donker as the noun it appears to be on the packet …

dark, darkness, gloom or obscurity

I would therefore guess obscurity :-)

2008-07-13 | Spike says

Like I said, you can never have too much obscurity.

2008-07-13 | jan says

Do you have battery chickens over there or is this a european concept ?

We have a similar colonic cleansing device in work it is nick named C Dif and polititians are raving about it - unfortunately verbal C.Dif is not so easily avoided as the real thing

2008-07-13 | Spike says

We do have battery chickens. At least I assume we do. We certainly have eggs and nobody suggests they are free range.

However, I need enlightening on the relationship between battery chickens and bread mix, weird cereal or stuff that makes you umbala in an extravagant manner?

And please tell us more about C Dif.

2008-07-14 | jan says

Hi Spike I have surfed C.dif literally throughout my career you can virtually surf it here. http://www.amm.co.uk/files/factsabout/fa_cdiff.htm

Should you wish to make a quick buck you can also get a solicitor to get you bags of money to compensate your suffering no win no fee - what a world.

Chickens - see para 3

was the bread mix any good? Jan

2008-07-14 | Spike says

Chickens, ah yes, I am very slow on the uptake. Yes indeed we have intensive chicken farming centres, the local term is “Go-go bar.”

Thanks for the link, although it did not make pleasant reading.

I have yet to embark on the bread (or the cereal, or the colonix), but of course there will be donker, vomit cereal and umbala updates in due course.

2008-08-28 | Jock says

Thailand actually has one of the biggest battery chickens in the world .. it’s called Soi Nana on Sukumvit Road .. and it features heavily in Private Dancer .. a book by Stephen Leather that exposes the cruelty inflicted by farangs on the battery chickens and vice-versa !!! Great read.

2008-08-28 | Spike says

The Ghost has been there recently if you want an update: http://www.pattayaghost.com/2008/08/24/bar-crawl-bangkok-nightlife-special-edition/