Dutch dilemnas

Before I came to Thailand I lived in Holland. Prior to Holland I had lived for about ten years in various countries in Asia, so going back to Europe was a shock. Not just the lousy weather and the absence of smiling people, but also the absence of domestic support. Living in Asia I had had a wife and the wife had had a maid. When I no longer had a wife, I still had the maid (but not in the biblical sense) and the magical transaction, where you threw your dirty clothes in a basket and they came back a day later pressed and smelling nice, continued to function.

Arriving in rainy Holland I moved into a small condo, unpacked the clothes basket and started filling it, but nothing happened, the magic had gone. I tried shaking it and castings spells to no avail. So I spent many happy hours working out how to operate a washing machine with Dutch instructions, and even longer in the supermarket deciding what was washing powder and not quick drying cement. There were similar problems finding a bottle of distilled water to use in the iron.

My job was rubbish, a central office position where you were expected to force your inadequate advice onto operating companies who didn’t want it, and then charge them for what they didn’t want. So I had no problem in leaving work promptly and rushing home. Actually the rushing home bit was fun because I had compensated for the crap job, awful weather and no love by buying a metallic purple BMW 328i with every accessory known to man. The music system was so loud that I ripped a door off entering my condo car park without even noticing; although I told people I had destroyed it after four wheel drifting into a tree during an illegal street race.

Anyway, I would rush home, get out the ironing board and watch The Jerry Springer Show, a program of no artistic or cultural merit; but I loved it. While watching the show I would attempt to iron my shirts, each one would take around 30 minutes and I never got it completely correct, probably because I was concentrating on two fat lesbians fighting because one of them had a male gay lover who was confined to a wheelchair.

One evening, known in legend as the night of the changing colours, I was onto my fourth shirt when I noticed that the first was changing from being bright blue to being bright blue with white splotches. And the second green shirt was also displaying tendencies to change hue to the whiter end of the spectrum. It was only then that I noticed that the distilled water steam coming out of the iron had a rather unusual aroma; one that you would normally associate with bleach….

Four ruined shirts later, it dawned on me that, when sourcing distilled water at the supermarket, I had inadvertently purchased a bottle of industrial strength bleach. It had the word “water” on the label, but the other words obviously did not mean “distilled.” Dutch supermarkets are dangerous places for the stupid.

And so it was with some trepidation that I inspected my packet of extra donker bread mix this morning. Luckily the instructions were quite clear.

Doe de aanbevolen hoeveelheid water in de bakvorm Get any type of water apart from bleach and put it in the back room

Voeg daarna de broodmix en de boter toe Stir the breadmix with your toe if you don’t have a spoon handy

Stel de broodbakmachine in op het gewenste programma en start het programma Throw anything you fancy into the bread machine and get with the programme, motherfucker.

Laat het gebakken brood afkoelen op en rooster Give the charcoaled result to a nearby chicken

So I did all of that, apart from the chicken bit, and the end result looks OK and certainly crammed with extra donker. I am now waiting for it to turn white.

Comments 🔗

2008-07-17 | Santi says

I hope you didn’t have to wait too long for it to turn white. And, more importantly, how did it taste??

Santi

2008-07-18 | Spike says

het was enak lekker aroi extremely tasty

I made a monster ham and cheese sandwich for lunch yesterday, delicious!

Thanks again for the great present; two more to cook!

2008-07-18 | Jock says

Oh Dear. I resemble that remark. With an ex Dutch wife, several ex Thai girlfriends (still resisting the urge to marry one …. maybe when I’m 60 and living in Jomtiem next door to Spike and walking him up and down the beach on his customised 5 speed surfboard .. with the wheelchair accesory as support .. then I’ll get around to it … applications now invited from women currently aged 9 - 11 who will be legal by 13.03.2017

2008-07-18 | grandma says

Dear Jock, I am not yet in the age bracket but will by 2017 and I’ve never done anything illegal (apart from a few spliffs back when there was a shortage of tobacco because of the krauts). I enjoy cooking haggis and love flowers above all. I’d be happy to meet you soon. Please drop me a line or two on spyke: pattayaflower1926 Kisses, Grandma.

2008-07-19 | Billy says

Jock, take careful note, this is probably the best offer you are going to get this year …

Grandma … be very, very careful of this man, pehaps have a quiet chat with Spike ..

Spike … when did this become a dating site? - and please have a quiet chat with Grandma about Jock

Mart … what exactly is your relationship with Grandma?