Day trip to the Big Mango (Bangkok to you, Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit to the Thais, although they settle for Krun Thep). Objective of mission is to take wife’s little sister for a trip to Underwater World, of which more later.
Bangkok is a frustrating delight. If you approach it by road you can see the fog of pollution that hangs over the city. If you approach it by air you end up landing outside the city and then have the fog pollution experience whilst praying to your personal god in the back of taxi driven by someone with the aspirations of Lewis Hamilton and none of the talent. I lived in Bangkok for five years in the Pecten days. After four months I caught bronchitis which the company doctor pronounced as being one month later than normal for new arrivals. Thereafter my lungs collapsed on an annual basis, but that was just to be expected. Bangkok has amazing restaurants, world class shopping and a nightlife which would have prematurely aged me had I not been aged already. The problem is that you cannot get to the restaurants, shops or brothels (I mean, theatres showing ballet and stuff like that) without venturing out into the traffic; which means that everything will have shut by the time you get there.
If I worked on a Sunday (and I did, what a wanker), it took me ten minutes to drive home. Monday to Friday it never took me less than an hour and a half. You had to leave shortly after lunch to make it on time for a dinner appointment. Recent years have brought some relief. There is a skytrain which runs on top of the traffic jams and metro that runs underneath the traffic jams; and if you can live near one of the stations and eat, shop and watch the ballet near one of the stations, life is easy. Otherwise, it is gridlock hell.
But Bangkok is a delightful place to live. In spite of the traffic mayhem and the presence of at least fifteen million people attempting to survive in the same location, the city flourishes in an atmosphere of good-natured chaos. Electric cables hang from poles like over-fertilised creepers; and yet the power rarely fails. Water comes out of the tap and you can drink it if you are feeling brave. Waste products disappear down the various holes where waste products normally go, and you don’t see them again (mind you, I lived on the 21st floor, for all I knew the people on the first floor were up to their necks in communal shit). Most of all, the people in Bangkok are endlessly tolerant and optimistic about life (apart from the tourists). I loved living there and still enjoying visiting.
Today we whizzed down the recently upgraded motorway for about 100 kilometres (46 nautical miles, 23 carrots) before grinding to a stop on the outskirts of Bangkok. Thanks to my demon shortcuts we were parked in a shopping mall next to a skytrain station before our bladders exploded and we headed off on the skytrain for the Underwater World experience.
Thailand is a third world country. Farmers in the north earn less than 4,000 baht a month (92 Zlotys, 0.0000744 light years). And yet there is serious money living in Bangkok and it demands quality shopping. The latest mall to stuff itself with products that most people cannot afford is called Siam Paragon. There is a Ferrari shop on the second floor, and we are not talking about some tacky joint that offers Kimi jackets and keyrings with black horses on them, this shop actually has Ferraris in the window. Not to be outdone, Lamborghini and Aston Martin have shops on the same floor. Every designer label you can think of has an outlet here. So you scarcely lift a manicured eyebrow when you discover that the basement contains an entrance to a billion baht “Underwater World” (a.k.a several very large tanks of water full of fish).
It’s well done and although I had been before I did not mind trailing round after the sister who was being journalistically photographed next to every fish by the wife. After an hour or so we emerged and consumed an above average lunch. Sadly for me, there was insufficient time (or funds) to pop up to the second floor and buy a Ferrari. Luckily for me, there was insufficient time for the wife to indulge in her twin passions of shoes and handbags; because it was off to the toy shop for the little sister toy treat.
My initial attempts to steer her towards a Lego Star Wars Battle Cruiser met with little interest and we ended up with a Barbie Doll. Girls are crap at toys, my son had a Scalextric before he was even conceived.
With sister asleep in the back, clutching an over-priced example of sexist exploitative consumerism (the Battle Cruiser was cheaper), we had an uneventful journey home, interspersed by the usual breath sucking noises from the wife at certain moments which is her way of saying “you are driving in a manner which will very shortly result in the death of all onboard.” I have learned to ignore this. We stopped for noodles and pork on the roadside near home. I like the pork so much that I ordered an extra dish, which means that the whole meal cost us nearly a pound a head, refreshments included. Extortionate.
Back home and the cats were making “we are pretending we missed you, now get your asses in here and feed us” noises. Watching a fishing boat heading out into the setting sun, I felt like it had been a good day in the Big Mango, but I was glad to be home next to the sea.
Comments 🔗
2010-03-13| Jacinto Bischof saysWe recently got back from our vacation to Pattaya and really wish that we didn’t have to leave as we absolutely enjoyed it and will surely visit again! We stayed at Bann Thai Resort and Spa which I would surely recommend. We rented a car at $50 for 5 days, it was by far the most cost effective and a convienent way to go and it was alot of fun too! The zoo is definitely worth while taking a trip. Also eating places in Pattaya to visit are The Sweet n Spicy-romantic, delish and trendy. Book a table with your feet in the ocean! This a good comment isn’t? Just a shame that I put it against an irrelevant post, which highlighted that I was just trying to spam my feeble website; thanks for removing the link. Oh, and I like to masturbate twice daily. Byee
2010-03-13| Billy saysJackoff … you really should come more often - just be careful you don’t get it in your eyes - come back real soon y’hear